Videogum

Let’s Update Beetlejuice 2 3 Tha Kidz

Deadline is reporting today that a couple dudes are writing a script for Beetlejuice 2. Purrrrfect. If there is one thing that the world has been clamoring for, it is the exhumation and defamation of Beetlejuice. It’s what the kids want! The one fear, of course, is the widespread Child Riots that will break out in elementary schools across the country if Michael Keaton refuses to reprise the role. Anyway, Beetlejuice is great. Beetlejuice 2 raises some concerns. But let’s be part of the solution, not the problem. (The problem is that Hollywood is out of ideas and instead of coming up with new ones it just ruins the old ones with lazy rehashes. The solution is rollerblade jokes?) Let’s get this thing up to speed!

Beetlejuice 2 is found floating face down in the Atlantic Ocean with no memory of who he is or where he came from, all he knows is that he is filled with deadly fighting skills. He finds a safe deposit box in Zurich filled with fake passports. What happened to him? Cut to 3D waterslide chase. Jumpcut smashcut back to live performance by Taylor Swift covering Harry Belafonte’s “Day-O.” Beetlejuice must uncover the secret of his past and get back home, wherever that is, before the bank robbers murder his sandworm wife and sandworm children at the beach house. HE DESIGNED THE SYSTEM! “Get off my model train!” Android product placement. Coke Zero product placement. Ironic Winona cameo that goes over the kids heads but is for the parents who were dragged to the theater. (She plays a real estate agent.) Beetlejuice gets the thumb drive full of the secrets and does Parkour over the rooftops of Mogadishu only to be cornered by Agent X from the Videogame Dimension who steals the thumb drive from him and jumps into the ocean. Luckily, Beetlejuice switched out the thumb drive with an even smaller drive that will be in stores this Christmas season. A brand new original song by Wilco kicks and a Geico lizard blooper reel plays over the credits.

You know, even if Beetlejuice 2 turns out to be a poorly imagined, lazily written movie, at least we will always have this wonderfully imagined, very well written blog post. So good. Totally worth it. (Blogs.)