Darren Aronofsky’s Pee Material Needs Workshopping

Earlier this week during the opening ceremony of this year’s Venice Film Festival, Darren Aronofsky, who is serving as jury president after Black Swan opened last year’s festival, told a pee joke directed at George Clooney, whose Ides of March opens this year’s festival. “Stop! We’re already sold! The pee part is what sold us!” is what you’re thinking, and believe me I KNOW. But unfortunately the joke did not go over so well with George and the rest of the VFF attendees. See what you think, from THR:

Let’s just say you should be happy this building has been refurbished. Last year, I sat there between Natalie Portman and the president of Italy, and I think I peed in my pants. But they say the place has been redone, so I guess any humidity you feel there is your own.

Holy shinola, that’s not a very good pee joke! And like any good pee comedian would tell you, if you’re going to tell a pee joke directed at George Clooney during the opening ceremony of the Venice Film Festival, it better be a GOOD pee joke. Otherwise you’ll be leaving with egg pee all over your pee face, which is unfortunately exactly what happened to Darren. Luckily if there’s one thing we know here at Videogum, it’s pee.  So. Watch how it’s done, DARREN.

  • Hey, where’s George. George? Oh, I see you. First of all, congratulations on Ides of March – I’ve seen it and I have to say it’s fantastic. [Applause] You know how they say, “Beware the Ides of March”? Well I should tell you, and this goes for everyone, the Ides of March isn’t the only thing you should beware — You should beware all the pee I peed all over your seats before the ceremony began today! You’re all sitting in my pee! No, I kid.
  • What’s one thing George Clooney, Gérard Depardieu, and Hugh Jackman all have in common? They’re all actors? Nope, BEEEEP, incorrect. The answer is: They all love peeing in public places! Look, everyone look at George Clooney, he’s peeing right now! (And then Darren would release a water gun trigger that he had rigged underneath George Clooney’s seat and it would look like George Clooney was peeing.)
  • It’s so nice to be here, opening the Venice Film Festival. When I was a kid I’d always say, “Someday I’m going to go to the Venice Film Festival.” And here I am. And you know what’s the wildest thing about it? Though it’s so many years later, I still have trouble making it to the bathroom when I have to pee! Look out!
  • They don’t call me Darren Aronofspee for nothing.
  • Is it anyone’s first time at the Venice Film Festival? Clap your hands if its your first time. Well, it’s great to have you here. Urine for a real treat! (And then he would show a slide of Calvin peeing on Venice.)
  • Look at George over there. What a handsome guy, right? It’s like he only gets more handsome every year. What’s your secret, George? All that pee you drink? What’s that? You don’t drink ANY pee? Well I guess it was MY mistake then, peeing in your drink just now. (George Clooney spit-take.)
  • What rhymes with Dooney and is sitting in the audience right now? Clooney? George Clooney, you’re all shouting? Nope, you’re all wrong! It’s poo-pee! Poo and pee! Lots of poo and pee all over the audience and it’s all mine!

Eeeeeesh, nope, nevermind. Maybe don’t even try a pee joke. Leave it to the real professionals.