True Blood S04E07: Silver Me Up! Silver Me Down!

So, that old scrapbooking witch who runs the scented candle store is 100% 400-year-old Spanish witch now. U GOT POSSESS’D! She uses her Vampire Powers to make it look like she is being attacked in her prison cell so that the librarian from Witch Club runs in with her gun drawn, but it turns out she got Spike Lee’s Bamboozled because now she is total Vampire Meat. I am not entirely clear when the librarian became the head of the SWAT Team, but I guess she is, so she makes all the guards stand down and then Vampire Jose breaks her neck (“no blood,” the witch says, without explaining why no blood). I do have a question just right off the bat: if the 400-year-old Spanish witch can control all of the vampires then how did she get caught and raped and burned at the stake in the first place? Nevermind, who gives a shit. Jose attacks Vampire King Bill in his office. There is a gunshot and some rolling around on the floor. You know, considering how fast the vampires can usually move with all the running and flying and fighting and jumping, it turns out that they roll around and crawl on their elbows just as slowly as anyone else. There is a tug of war for the Sacred Execution Stick Of Wood From The Velvet Case. Bill gets the upper-hand on Jose, which makes no sense since Jose is hundreds of years older than him and it has always been explained that a vampire’s strength in comparison to other vampire’s is directly related to their age difference, and this is one of the more egregious examples of the ways in which this show never follows its own internal logic to a point that would be maddening if you weren’t required to turn off your brain before they even play that HBO fuzzy static Dolby™ sound. Anyway, Jose pulls the stake into himself and explodes in a pile of GUTZ but not before telling Vampire King Bill that the witch from 400 years ago is back. Bill makes this face:

Meanwhile, Pam is about to kill Tara in the parking lot of Merlotte’s. You guys, we should eat at Merlotte’s more! So much seems to happen in that parking lot, it is almost hard to believe. Pam is about to kill her but then a crowd of people gather around shooting video of it on their telephones for YouTube and Access Vampirewood. Someone shouts something about Pam being a zombie and Pam gets so mad and is like “I’m not a zombie!” Although, it’s kind of strange this show doesn’t have zombies yet. A rare miss, True Blood. Pam runs away. Tara’s girlfriend tries to get her to move back to New Orleans with her, but instead Tara breaks up with her. Wait, what? She says something about how she is having enough trouble holding her own life together that she doesn’t want to be responsible for her girlfriend’s life, too. Well, you’re not? This is a thing that happens in movies and TV that does not happen in real life. People in real life hold onto their relationships until every last bit of sustaining energy has been sucked from them, and then they drop the wilted carcass on the dirty floor. No one walks away at the moment that they most need love and support out of some inflated sense of heroic selflessness. Whatever. Tara is “the one that got away,” I’m sure.

Something something Lafayette is a medium. I’m sorry, I cannot get into this plotline. And I love Lafayette! But it’s just sort of boring. Like, they spent three episodes talking about going to Mexico, going to Mexico, and coming back from Mexico just so that Lafayette could see some pied noir au pair in the kitchen at Merlotte’s singing “Frere Jacques” to a devil baby? MOVE IT ALONG, SHOW.

Sam finds out that his brother took his form and also fucked his new girlfriend. Eek! He is pretty PO’ed about it. SHIFT AT ME, BRO! He sits creepily by Tommy’s bedside while Tommy has a nice nap, and then when Tommy wakes up he shoves his forearm in his throat and tells him to get the hell out. Uh, Sam? Tommy insists that he is sorry, which, OK, that is kind of a weak apology, Tommy.

Like, it’s one thing to shift into your brother’s form, we’ve ALL been there, and maybe you even get a little overzealous and fire half of the employees at his restaurant and run his business into the ground. Sure, it happens. But you did fuck his girlfriend. She is hot, but come on, man. Be cool! But, more importantly, I will tell you this: if MY brother ever shape-shifted into MY form and then fucked MY girlfriend I would KEEP MY EYES ON HIM FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. It’s like they say, keep your friends close and your skinwalking relatives closer. I wouldn’t just kick him out of the house and let him wander the swamp. This is just a bad strategy.

Oh, just in case you thought that Sookie and Eric’s vaseline-lensed sensual FUCK FEST was safely behind you, tucked away in last week’s episode: SURPRISE!

Vampire King Bill tells everyone that the 400-year-old Spanish witch is back, and he insists that the vampires need to evacuate the area, and those who remain should silver themselves so that she cannot cast a spell on them and draw them into the sunlight. (Incidentally, this is exactly what the witch tries to do, which seems mildly convenient. Like, from a tactical standpoint, you would think either the witch would change it up a little bit and catch the vampires by surprise with a new scheme, or the vampires would have the timetable wrong, and she would wait two weeks to draw them into the sunlight when they weren’t expecting it. But no. It’s just that she is immediately going to draw them into the sunlight and they knew that so they took precautions. OK!) Everyone gets silvered. Here’s a pro-tip: if you are a vampire and you are about to get silvered, DON’T wear a halter-top.

Bill stops by Sookie’s house and the place just REEKS of fucking. He brings a velvet bag of silver chains to silver Eric to protect him from the witch. Sookie silvers him in the basement. “I must be very powerful” he says, because of all the silver. I like how Sookie just lays some silver on his throat. Is that really all it takes? Later in the episode, we will learn that when Vampire King Bill almost silvered Jessica’s throat but then decided against it, he made a mistake, because she just rips off all the silver chains and heads right upstairs. Is there, like, a Wikipedia page that explains how this silver thing works? Because it seems VERY confusing. “Sometimes all you need are silver handcuffs and sometimes you need a pile of silver chains loosely draped and sometimes you need the silver chains to be deadbolted. It all just depends on how big of a pile of horseshit this show is.” Anyway, Sookie and Eric are being super lovey-dovey and she keeps talking about how badly she wants him and he is talking about how he doesn’t want to become the mean old vampire that he used to be. What’s up with Sookie on this one, though? Like, if you had a long, traumatic herstory of someone constantly trying to rape and murder you, would it really be enough for them to just say “me confused!” and flash vampire puppy dog eyes at you? And even if that was enough for you to be generous of spirit towards them, and help guide them through this difficult and confusing time, would it really make your pussy so wet? I am sorry, that is gross, but that is literally what is happening here, so we might as well just ask the tough questions.

Alcide joins a werewolf club and fucks his wife a little bit but not enough.

Pam consults some kind of vampire dermatologist who starts her on a beauty treatment regimen that involves six shots four times a day for the rest of eternity. Yikes. But also: haha. I mean, it is just funny that there is an actual MEDICAL TREATMENT AVAILABLE for a VAMPIRE WHOSE FACE IS SLOUGHING OFF IN CHUNKS. Who knew that this problem of Pam’s was treatable the whole time. Anyway, she looks great.

I will say that the Vampire Dermatologist who treats her is the best lady.

I wish she had her own show. It would be called Shaddup.

Speaking of Pam, Tara is drinking a bottle of vodka on the side of the road when she thinks she hears Pam in the forest. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I was drinking vodka on the side of the road and I thought I heard Pam in the forest I would ask her to marry me either run away or stand my ground. What I would not do is just stumble blindly into the forest while shouting drunken threats and also throw away my vodka bottle which is the closest thing I had to a weapon. But it is not Pam. It is the witch. What was she doing in the woods? What the FUCK is everyone always doing in the woods? The witch says that she and Tara are a lot alike, what with them both being 400-year-old necromancers reincarnated in candle-dipper’s bodies. She urges Tara to join her cause and destroy the vampires. Tara agrees. She also gets, like, six other waitresses to team up. Oh shit. WAITRESS COVEN! So, the gang gets together and starts their chant and thus begins the CURSE OF THE TERRIBLE ACTING.

Holy moly. You guys, we have a lot of fun around Videogum with the questionable choices that celebrities occasionally (regularly) make, and we are constantly criticizing things for not being good enough or being cash grabs or whatever, but at the end of the day, acting is a relatively thankless profession. Very few people ever get successful enough at it that they’re able to make their own creative decisions, and usually as an actor you are at the whim of the project. These people sign long-term, restrictive contracts that require them to basically do whatever the show or network asks of them for years and years and years with little to no say in what that might mean for them as human beings or creative people. That’s just the nature of the business, but what I am trying to say is that it’s hard to find work no matter what, and once you find work it is always respectable to do it the best you can. For all the teasing that we do, we should be a little bit more respectful, at least from time to time, of how difficult it must be to navigate the acting waters. BUT BOY OH BOY ALL OF THE PEOPLE DRESSED UP AS VAMPIRES WITH SILVER CHAINS DRAPED ON THEIR TUMMIES SCREAMING AND THRASHING IN THEIR VAMPIRE PRISON BEDS AND YELLING “SUUUUN LET ME AT THE SUUUUN” IS ONE OF THE FUNNIER GARBAGE THINGS I’VE SEEN IN AWHILE.

Haha. Acting! How many takes do you think they had to do? I hope it was a lot.

They show some old black lady vampire walk out into the sun in burst into flames, as if to prove to us that the spell really works? Relax, True Blood. This is the seventh episode of season four. We “believe” you! Anyway, Baby Jessica tears off her chains (Yoops! That was easy!) and crawls upstairs. Bill commands her to take off his chains but even that doesn’t work!! This must be SOME spell! Meanwhile, Detective Jason Stackhouse is running to Bill’s house to save Jessica. He tackles one of the SWAT guys. Jessica opens the door and the sunlight comes flooding in. There is a gunshot. The end. UGH. Really? I know this is supposed to be an exciting cliff-hanger, but it’s not. It reminds me of the first season of Heroes where each episode would have some amazing cliffhanger and then the whole thing would just be casually dismissed within the first five minutes of the following episode. You know that Jason isn’t dead. You know that Jessica isn’t going to burn up. So, whatever. WHO CARES! ERIC DOESN’T CARE! I wish this show would walk out into the sun.