Brett Ratner To Produce This Year’s Academy Awards

Oh brother. The creator of Rush Hour, Rush Hour 2, and this YouTube video, Brett Ratner, has been chosen to produce this year’s Academy Awards. Neat! The thing about Brett Ratner is that he just seems like a cool, fun person. Obviously, he has impeccable taste and is a creative genius, we know that from watching his movies and that YouTube video. But I’m talking about as a person I bet his friends just consider themselves lucky to have such a great, loving, loyal, and most importantly NORMAL human being as a friend. If you do a Google image search for him you’ll see that he gives the peace sign in a lot of his press photos. That’s cool! And I bet no one has ever been raped in the swimming pool at his mansion during a drug-fueled party of human trash wearing Tap Out gear and complaining about the 10 Worst Valet Parking Services in LA. But now that he has been chosen, what can we expect from this year’s show? Here are a few guesses:

  • The show will be hosted by Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan
  • Award presenters will ride out to the podium on motorcycles
  • Instead of saying “and the Oscar goes to…,” presenters will say “hey _____ come get yer fuckin oscar, bro!”
  • Ring girls
  • Viewers will be taken backstage to get a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s really like via Brett’s patented “Cocaine Cam”
  • Someone will die LIVE on screen by being punched to death by Chuck Lidell
  • The infamous seat-fillers who replace the celebrities when they go to the bathroom or to smoke a cigarette so that the auditorium looks filled will be played this year by CGI talking animals
  • This year’s Lifetime Achievement Award will go to The Fonz (not Henry Winkler, The Fonz)
  • A strain of mild, unconsidered racism will run throughout the broadcast

Nailed it. You know, we’re having a lot of fun at Mr. Ratner’s expense, but truth be told no matter what he does (and whatever he does, it will almost certainly include that last guess) the 2012 Academy Awards will almost certainly still be better than this year’s. Sheesh! At the very least, they will be our last. GOODBYE!