This week we pick up right where we left off last week, and where we left off last week was Eric eating Sookie’s fairy godmother. Whoops! That was just one of those plot elements that is so good and normal and for adults that they didn’t want it to get lost in the shuffle from one week to the next. “Hey,” Alan Ball said in the writers’ room, “make sure to stretch out the whole Eric eating Sookie’s fairy godmother thing for two episodes so people don’t forget that is going on because it’s great.” Eric tries to stand up and then he falls down and then he tries to date rape Sookie. “You’re drunk,” Sookie says. Fairy blood makes vampires drunk now, I guess. Sure, vampires have drunk fairy blood in the past and not been drunk, but now they get drunk. Got it. Someone better update the Wikipedia page for the show! Eric tries to get more drunk by drinking some Sookie 100 Schnapps but she tells him no and he listens, just like how drunk people always listen when you say no. So then Eric runs around in circles, you know, like how drunk people are always running. If there is one thing I’ve never NOT seen a drunk person do it is run as fast as they can. There is just something about being drunk and running that is so pleasant. Sookie tries to get him to go inside in case there are any more fairies around, which isn’t really that good of a reason since clearly fairies are just BOTTLES OF BOOZE and nothing to be scared of, but it doesn’t matter because Eric disappears into the woods. Goodbye!
Meanwhile, Jason is getting raped to death.
Haha. There is nothing funny about rape, you guys, but there is something funny about Jason Stackhouse getting raped to death by Panther People teenage girls. FINISH HIM! One girl comes in and is about to lose her rapeginity with him but he tells her that your first rape should be special with a boy you really want to rape and that she should save her rape for when the time is rape, so she loosens up his ropes and lets him free. P.S. Someone in this scene shouts “BREED, GHOST DADDY, BREED,” and it is not important who says it, only that it happens. When Crystal’s boyfriend finds out about this, he gets so mad he just takes his jeans right off, which is kind of a theme of this episode. Like, every five seconds someone is taking their pants right to the pubic hair line and holding them open there for an excruciating and dangerous 10 seconds in order to deliver some very weird and always overly-serious dialogue before shifting into some kind of something who knows anymore. Like, look at this:
How many takes do you think were ruined by someone’s “boom” dropping into the shot?
Also, why does this show need to have Panther People AND Werewolves? (And dog-shifters, but let’s even set those aside for a minute.) Like, could Charlaine Harris’s story simply not be told without two kinds of wild-cat shapeshifters? Probably. “This sucks!” is what someone would have said if this show only had Werewolves in it. “What, no Panther People? Throw this show in the garbage!” Everyone would have said that. Gotta have both kinds, definitely. Anyway, Crystal’s boyfriend chases Jason through a park and Jason climbs in a tree and fashions a spear out of a branch and/or gets it as a gift from his sponsors because only a Hunger Games level tribute would get a spear that quickly and he jumps from the tree and stabs the Boyfriend Panther through the head.
R.I.P. White Trash Abusive Pervert Panther Boyfriend. Crystal shows up and Jason is about to stab her too and she is like “We are going to be Panther King and Queen of the Panther Meth Junkyard” and Jason is like “Fuck you,” and she just laughs and laughs. Hahaha. Yikes! BREED, GHOST DADDY, BREED! Jason falls down on the side of the road and Hoyt and Jessica find him. Jessica feeds Jason her healing vampire blood. Some kind of Lillith Fair Mix wafts out from the truck doors. To be barftinued.
Sam’s new girlfriend has a child. “My ex was a werewolf.” MOVING ON PLEASE.
Speaking of children, Arlene’s demon baby probably is a demon baby it turns out. It’s pretty hilarious:
So, Tommy tracks down his mom and there is like 45 minutes of him explaining to his mom how he knows how to read now and it is just endless and you are like what is going on with this boring thing and then his mom starts talking about how she was in a dog fight (don’t forget: white trash shifters) and her throat almost got torn out by a pitbull and that is when Tommy’s dad throws a chain around his neck and says that he is going to teach him to obey. Uh oh! Why doesn’t Tommy just shift into a snake or a worm or something and wiggle out of the chain? Why doesn’t he shift into a lion and eat his dad’s face off? Oh well. If you’re still editing that Wikipedia page, please add another new rule: “shifters cannot transform themselves when they have a chain looped around their neck next to an RV camp firepit.” Everyone knows that, come on.
Sookie asks the Werewolf Alcide to come over and help her wrangle Eric. They find him swimming in the pond and shouting norse at alligators. He refuses to come in from the water, which, fair enough. That’s the one thing this show has finally gotten right: swimming is fun. Alcide turns back into a naked human man and him and the naked vampire man are about to have a fight but then Eric’s skin starts burning. Uh oh, I guess he is…sobering up? From the fairy cocktails? They wrap a blanket on him but he doesn’t want to go inside because he likes swimming too much. Oh man, I HEAR YOU, VAMPIRE ERIC! You guys, can we take a brief second away from this fucking nonsense show and just agree that swimming rarely gets the appreciation it deserves in popular culture? Anyway, now Eric is all sad because he’s never going to get to swim in the sunshine again. Total summer bummer. “Stay with me,” Eric says. “Can’t,” Sookie says, “human stuff to do.” Haha. Best new excuse/explanation for anything. She leaves Eric to his Basketball Shorts Only clubhouse and goes upstairs to fight with Alcide about whatever anyone on this show is ever fighting about. “You drank the mythical creature straight from the carton!” “You never glamour me anymore.” Etc. Their fight is over very quickly and they give each other just a normal friend hug that is very normal and is just the kind of hug that friends give each other.
Alcide goes home and talks to his
Bill goes with his new girlfriend to visit Andy Bellefleur’s grandmother? Wait a second, how old is she? 1,000,000. Andy would like a Red Bull, please! Haha. That part makes me laugh. The 2,000 year old grandma tells him that Red Bull is vulgar, which I think is supposed to be a joke about how it’s more vulgar to drink Red Bull than Sobe True Blood, which, fair enough, that is probably actually true, but also: then why do you have Red Bull in the house? If there’s Red Bull in the house, Andy should be allowed to order it. WHAT IS THIS, COMMUNIST RUSSIA? Blah blah blah, this scene lasts forever, and then finally Bill learns (using his “vampire-vision,” ugh ugh ugh) that his new girlfriend is also his great great great granddaughter. OOOOOH, MAKE ME FEEL GOOOOOOOD. Gross, Bill. Maybe you should have thought of that before you stayed in the same small town for 10 billion years. Anyway, he breaks up with her, which is reasonable except that he’s a vampire so their relationship was already pretty problematic so whatever, keep fucking your great great great granddaughter if you want, you undead corpse king. THAT IS THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS.
Sookie is downstairs trying to give Eric a pep talk because Eric is listening to the Cure and writing suicide notes on his basketball shorts with a Sharpie. He tells her that if she gives him a kiss he promises he will be happy. What is this show called again? VAMPIRE HIGH SCHOOL: BASKETBALL PANTHER DOGS.
Someone is at the door. Bill forces his way into Sookie’s house because Eric actually bought the house under a Vampire Trust so I guess all the vampires are her landlords and she can’t rescind their invitation. (Might as well bookmark this Wikipedia page because we might never be done editing it.) He insists on looking for Eric even though Sookie says he’s not staying with her, then she says “When have I ever lied to you.” Uh, that is easily one of the worst cards to bust out in the middle of your very first lie. Bill feels shame, because sometimes vampires can feel emotions when it suits the show’s plot.
And so but OK, the witch. Everyone is like “Come on, witch, unwitch the stuff.” Oh, but first she has this, like, fever dream about the spirit that is inhabiting her where she gets burned at the stake for being a witch and the New Witch is like “we have to stop this!” except why? Like, it seems to me that the great tragedy of our ancestors burning witches at the stake was that they were just burning eccentric non-witches or people with mental illness. But if it is an actual witch they were burning at the stake, kind of seems like she deserved it? I’m just saying, if their goal was to burn a witch at the stake, and it turns out she really was a witch, then I’m not sure how you can get mad at them? They are doing exactly what they intended to do. Also: considering the fact that her evil spirit spans hundreds of years and returns to exact terrifying revenge on her enemies, maybe burning her at the stake was at least a step in the right direction. Anyway, the New Witch is like send me a sign, so the Old Witch thumps a book on the ground. Ha. Lazy.
They go to meet Pam in the park (so much happens in the park in this town) and Pam is getting really antsy about this whole sorcery thing in a way that does seem counterproductive. Like, OK, maybe this coven is kind of the Mighty Ducks of covens and, OK, maybe it will turn out that they are full of crap, but Pam is interrupting their spell two spooky ancient words into it. Let them finish, Pam! Anyway, suddenly the Old Witch takes over the New Witch, which you can always tell because the New Witch’s hair starts blowing like she’s in some kind of goddamned L’Oreal commercial, and she starts chanting the stuff and next thing you know, Pam is on the cover of Fangoria magazine.
Pam runs away, Bugs Bunny style, and New Witch falls on the ground and when she comes to she is like “Wha’ Happened?” It is all very the final scene in Kids because she is so tired and confused and everyone else is like, YOU FUCKED US!