Videogum

Even More, You Know, Upfronts

So, I lied earlier this week. In talking about all of the exciting parties where the stars of Fringe do burlesque routines in novelty-bathtub-sized martini glasses that the networks throw themselves, I said that I was not invited to any of these parties, and that is not entirely true. I was invited to ONE of these parties: the Adult Swim party. Makes sense, I guess. Right? You think CBS is going to invite me to their party? CBS is not going to invite me to their party. No offense none taken. Let me tell you guys something, though, based on the one upfront party that I went to: WE ALL NEED TO GO TO THESE UPFRONT PARTIES MORE! Citizens! Storm the castle! Holy moly. Every joke I have ever made about caviar omelets and a jacuzzi filled with champagne hardly even covers it, and this is Adult Swim we are talking about, a segment of programming on a basic cable network! Can you imagine what it is like at the FOX NEWS party?! Anyway, I know that it sounds like I am bragging about how I got to go to a fancy party, and I am! It was so great! I wish you had been there! My advice is that you start a pop culture website about movies, TV, and YouTubes, and then alienate yourself to most of the industry about which you write, with the exception of one or two small groups that seem to like what you do, and then meet me at the open bar. I will be the one wearing druuuuuunk.

Anyway, here are some preview clips from the new CBS and CW shows premiering this fall:

CBS

How to Be A Gentleman is a new sitcom starring Johnny Drama! Johnny Drama! Mr. Cool Sitcom!

Yikes. OK, CBS, what else you got? 2 Broke Girls starring Kat Dennings? Let us take a look:

Uh, you know what? Let’s just move on to the drama. No no, it’s fine! It’s a big wide world out there, with all kinds of people who like all kinds of things even terrible things. How about A Gifted Man?

OH MAN HAHAHAHA. I mean, sure, this looks like a perfectly fine network drama with a “clever” hook, but I can’t help thinking of Large Marge and Paul F. Tompkins’s joke about haunted stromboli. Now, look, I’m not saying that CBS should DEFINITELY greenlight a show about Large Marge running a restaurant that serves haunted stromboli starring Pee Wee Herman and Paul F. Tompkins, but they should at least shoot a pilot and see what they think.

Unforgettable:

I bet that lady is a BEAST at bar trivia night!!!! Next.

Person of Interest has Ben Linus! And the dude who played Jesus in that terrible Mel Gibson movie about Jesus! Also it kind of seems like precogs are involved? I love precogs!

Say what you will about CBS, that they stink, that they tend to flood the market with mediocre garbage for dumb-dumbs, this actually looks kind of good. There is still time to ruin it, CBS! Good luck!

CW

The CW has a bunch of new shows coming out and they all look terrible so forget it. There’s one about Sarah Michelle Gellar as, like, an assassin maybe? I don’t know. Also: something about witches. And while I’m very happy for my girlfriend, Rachel Bilson, her new show about a “Manhattan doctor” (whatever that is) who has to move to Alabama (classic doctor stuff) is simply not for me! But one show does look kind of promising. It is called H8ER and it features minor celebrities confronting people who have said mean things about them on the Internet in bars.

Not bad for what it is! Although why do they have A.C. Slater watching this from the backseat of a car? What is going on THERE? It feels like he’s going to start jerking off at any second. (Sorry, I know that is gross. But also it DOES seem like that!) Is the concern that the audience won’t know what to think about the situation if they don’t see A.C. Slater laughing about it while watching it on a monitor in the back of a livery cab? Because if anything the audience (me) finds that even MORE confusing.

TV! New shows! I can’t wait just kidding I can wait!