Who Was Watching All This Royal Wedding?

Well, so, right. THAT happened. I will say this about Prince William’s wedding to her Royal Highness the Duchess of Kate Middleton: it explored new depths of not caring about a thing. It was kind of like that movie The Descent in that it went as deep and dark as possible and in that I didn’t watch The Descent, either. Apparently, though, someone watched this thing? As the Hollywood Reporter points out:

The BBC feed alone was broadcast to 180 countries, in what is thought to be the biggest television event in broadcast history.

THE BIGGEST TELEVISION EVENT IN BROADCAST HISTORY?! Good grief. More like the biggest television event in BOREDcast herstory, AM I RIGHT, YOU GUYYYYYYYSSSS?! Look, we should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy, because life is short and no one else is going to do it for you, and if that thing happens to be watching two strangers in a foreign country indulging in a lavish wedding that is reminiscent of an era in which everyone was a chimneysweep and the state bird was Consumption, then knock yourself out. The rest of us will be over here wondering if you are OK. Are you sick? Did you watch the Royal Wedding because you were that kind of sick where you’re stuck in bed but it’s so uncomfortable that you can’t actually sleep? It is the only reasonable explanation, as far as I can figure out, although please feel free to post your explanations in the comments for why anyone would watch the Royal Wedding. Let’s get to the bottom of this! Or not!