Jeremy Renner To Be The New Jason Bourne Maybe!

We don’t usually report on behind-the-scenes casting news because it’s more like behind-the-scenes casting SNOOZE, am I right? It’s just hard to get excited about who is going to be playing some scientist in a movie that’s not coming out for three years, especially when half the time they don’t even end up playing that scientist at all because now they are playing a reclusive but inspiring professor. (Although, I have been enjoying watching the breathless casting updates for the movie adaptation of The Hunger Games because it’s just a ton of child actors I’ve never heard of. Haha. NEAT! It’s almost TOO exciting that Willow Shields ??? will be playing Prim Everdeen!) In general the whole prospect of behind-the-scenes casting news is like someone telling you that you may or may not get a sandwich in a year and a half, and you’re like, well, what’s on the sandwich, and they’re like maybe lettuce, and you’re like, OK, I like lettuce OK, what else? and they’re like, tomatoes are in serious talks to be on the sandwich with Quiznos as the sandwich artist, and you’re like oh great, tomatoes! But then they’re like, well, it looks like lettuce is out, but there is going to be cheese, and you’re like, hmm, I could go either way with cheese, and they are like, also tomatoes couldn’t do it because of scheduling conflicts so the role of tomatoes will now be played by oranges, and you’re like, well, oranges on a sandwich is problematic, and then you find out Tubby’s Submarines has taken over, which isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t exactly a vote of confidence, either, and also, you’re kind of hungry now and don’t feel like waiting TWO YEARS for this sandwich. All of that being said, The Hollywood Reporter is Hollywood reporting this morning that Dame Jeremy Renner of the Queen’s Realm is probably going to replace Matt Damon as Jason Bourne. That’s great! Dame Jeremy Renner is the best. I mean, Matt Damon is the best, but so that is why this might even work out. GET ME BOURNE! HIT HIM IN THE FACE WITH THE BOOK! NOT IF I FIND YOU FIRST! YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! ACTING!