Chris Brown Attempts To Dance His Way Out Of Nightmare Town

On last night’s episode of Dancing with the Stars, Chris Brown performed a couple of songs and danced his heart or whatever dark thing beats in that evil chest out. Sure. The truth be told, if there is one thing that Chris Brown can do BESIDES beat his girlfriend in the face in a rented Lamborghini (lol) before running off into the night and leaving her for dead, it’s dance. But Dancing with the Stars is also the most wholesome show on television, basically, and showbiz’s attempt to show families that it can produce entertainment without relying on sex and violence. And Chris Brown’s performance opens with a child who shouts “Hey, there’s Chris Brown,” and then starts dancing. Oof. It is one thing for the industry to try and clean up Chris Brown’s tarnished (with blood and bits of hair) image because he makes people a lot of money and that is what people who are getting a lot of money do and it’s one of the reasons they have so much of it (money). But do we really need to get ACTUAL children involved in defending the honor of a known domestic abuser? What a disgustingly manipulative ploy that should not work but probably will! (Here’s another thing I was thinking about with this whole Chris Brown thing: his defenders have this tendency to argue that, like, it was terrible what happened and Chris Brown has paid his dues and he hasn’t beaten anyone in the fucking face since then and everyone makes mistakes and so that’s that, which I understand where that thinking is coming from, but the one thing that it doesn’t take into account is the fact that the time when he was forced to turn himself into the police because everyone in the world knew what he had done was DEFINITELY NOT the first time he’d been abusive by any means. That’s not how it works? That’s like arguing that someone who got pulled over for drunk driving only did it that one time by accident and never did it before and would never do it again. Right.)

Watch Chris Brown’s performance on Dancing with the Stars after the jump:

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the cast of the show were not particularly excited about his appearance:

DWTS cast members had mixed feelings about his appearing on the show.

Dancing pro Cheryl Burke, who has said she is a victim of domestic violence, isn’t a fan of the singer.

“As a victim of domestic violence, I don’t agree with him coming on the show, but it’s out of my control,” Burke told Extra.

Meanwhile, celebrity contestant Wendy Williams was on the other end of the spectrum. “I can’t wait, I can’t wait! What’s gonna happen?” she told Extra before the show started.

On Monday, DWTS host Tom Bergeron said he wasn’t exactly eager to talk to Brown.

“I did tell the producers it may be to their advantage to not have me interview him,” Bergeron said on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show, “because my natural tendency would be to say something. So, don’t put me in a position where you are asking me not to say something, because I really won’t do that.”

Haha, Wendy Williams. Your wig is on too tight, girl. Loosen that wig up! In the end: whatever. Forget it, Jake, it’s Chinatown, I’m sure. This is the way that the world works, and until people stop buying Chris Brown albums (debuted at #1 this week) and sending Robin Roberts death threats on Twitter there will be no real reason for the world to stop working this way. As far as the world can tell, this is how we WANT it to be. Fair enough, world. You right. Our bad.