Videogum

The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: I’m Still Here

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. What WAS that? I know it wasn’t a movie, so now the trick is to figure out what it actually was. I know it wasn’t a joke, because jokes are funny. It theoretically could have been a hoax, except that for something to be a hoax, people have to believe for at least one second that it was real, but this thing was obviously so fake for months before it even came out that it’s not really one of those either. It wasn’t a documentary, because it was fake, and also even if it was real it probably still wouldn’t have been a documentary, because a documentary, at least as far as I am concerned, should be ABOUT something. It was definitely TOO LONG. I know that. An hour and 45 minutes? Seriously? For what amounts to an insufferable, egomaniacal, self-indulgent, intellectually bankrupt inside joke that could not possibly have actually even been funny to the three people who would have gotten it in the first place? No. Some of us have lives to lead, Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck. Oh man, if I was Facebook friends with you I would block you so hard right now!

Short version: So, a couple years ago Joaquin Phoenix claimed that he was retiring from acting and pursuing a hip hop career, and supposedly his friend (and brother-in-law?) Casey Affleck was going to document the whole thing, but it was obviously fake the whole time and now there is this big, long, terrible, stupid, boring, fake thing to prove it the end. Long version:

Unlike most of the previous entries in The Hunt, there isn’t much of a synopsis to give. The movie just features endless mockumentary sequences in which Joaquin Phoenix’s hair gets longer and his beard gets full of food-ier and he keeps trying to talk to Diddy about producing his supposed rap album and having tantrums intercut with clips of the nightly entertainment shows wondering whether it is real or not? It’s not. Obviously. But even if the question of whether it’s real or fake is embarrassingly easy to answer, there remains another question: WHAT IS THE POINT?!

I mean it! I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m not sure! Like, at first I thought maybe it was supposed to be a commentary about the self-entitlement and over-indulgence of celebrities. But, the only thing more self-entitled and over-indulged than a celebrity who is having some kind of implosive melt-down is a celebrity who is having a FAKE implosive melt-down. How insulting! I’m all for performance art (wait, no I’m not. Not at all! But maybe sometimes kind of in very specific circumstances and always in moderation) but this isn’t that. For one thing: MORE LIKE SNOREFORMANCE ART! Doing cocaine off of a hooker’s tits? Dude. I am pretty sure that the editors of the Cliche Encyclopedia decided not to include that because the “Too Obvious” section was all full up. There is a part where someone takes a shit on his face while he’s sleeping, I guess, but if you are going to make a fakey fake movie at 24 fakes a second try and get the guy who shits on the other guy’s face NOT TO START LAUGHING WHEN THE GUY YELLS AT HIM.

If it’s not a commentary on how celebrities are out-of-touch nightmares, insofar as the people who made it expected us to actually believe it, then is the point supposed to be that we are supposed to actually care about Joaquin Phoenix’s hip hop journey? Are we supposed to think that he is brave for putting his career on the line in order to pursue his passion? Because about that: NO. Near the end, during one of his very stupid Miami nightclub performances, he is rapping on stage and has a fake staged argument with someone in the audience in which he berates him for being poor while Joaquin is rich. Yuck. Also: what? Is the point of the movie to get us to just hate the shit out Joaquin Phoenix? Because if that is the case then this movie should be called GO AWAY! Get it? BECAUSE THEY DID IT!

What it “is” is clearly a thing that Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck drunkenly thought up one night in a “dudes only” hot tub. This has drunken, giggly, “wouldn’t that be hilarious” written all over it. Too bad those dudes have no idea what the word “hilarious” means! Dudes, there is a dictionary app for your assistant’s iPhone, have her download it! The fact that Casey Affleck famously caved like the final resting place of One-Eyed Willie’s treasure as soon as the movie came out only makes it all the more confusing. He was even APOLOGETIC! If that isn’t the epitome of artistic failure, to so whole-heartedly abandon your work. It almost breaks your heart, if your heart is a stupid piece of shit. The fact that the dude who made the thing couldn’t be bothered to care enough about it (whatever it even IS, because let’s not forget we still don’t know!) is the final insult. Especially because he seemed to think he was setting the record straight? The record was straight. What you actually owe everyone is an apology!

At the very least Diddy deserves an apology. I’m sure that if there truly is honor among thieves then there is also honor among over-indulged ego-maniacs, and it’s not so much that I’m worried that Diddy feels like his time was wasted or that he was made a fool of. If anything he comes off really well in the movie. He’s pretty honest with Joaquin Phoenix (OR IS HE?!) about how much his music stinks. The reason that they owe Diddy an apology is for the simple fact that no single human being should be forced under any circumstances to give their imprimateur to this disgusting disaster even if their faces are the best part.

That is probably the best review of this movie you will ever read.

So stupid. Such a waste of time. Also: infuriating! It has no point and is painfully unclever. Joaquin Phoenix is kind of a good actor, but this is easily his worst role ever. He should fire himself. Casey Affleck should go to jail. Netflix should send me a check for an hour and 45 minutes. And just in case, let’s sink Hollywood into the ocean just in case another one of these “people” gets one of their “ideas.”

Next week: Remember Me. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.