Glee S02E12: “Afores I Endsya”—Santana in Bitchy Solo Twin-Speak FTW!

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

Y.E.S. Fuck yes. This always happens—I’m like “why do I watch this fucking awful show, besides the big VIDEOGUM MONEY to keep my body pillow plump and convincing?” There’s a terrible episode one week and then the next week the show’s fucking great. Luckily, this week I only had to wait about 48 hours for the shit to get back on track. And back on track it was: hilarious jokes, lovely renditions of songs I love AND hate, relevant plotlines (high school drawmah is EXTREMELY relevant to me because I am only 15)… It was excellent, and I should’ve known to just hold my breath and stare at the ceiling for the Super Bowl, because everyone knows that February 8th is VALENTINE’S DAAAAAAY, and Glee always brings the heart-shaped fudge!

We start the episode inside Puck’s ‘roid-and-poppers-addled brain: he’s so fucking in love with Lauren Zizes (which is “hilarious” because she’s the size of four Quinn’s stuffed in a tire), after she verbally abused him during a bribery-kissing session.

Meanwhile, everyone else in the school is in love with Finn, who’s somehow getting credit for winning the football game on Sunday night. Even Becky’s in love with Finn, but Finn’s back in love with Quinn (even though she did that whole … baby thing last year? (apes have the same kind of memory-capacity as goldfish maybe? I wish there were somewhere I could look that up…)).

Kurt and Blaine are at Starbucks before school, and Blaine tells Kurt he’s got a big crush on a boy he hasn’t known that long, and instantly Kurt’s little tail starts wagging so hard that Gloria Estefan: Unplugged Duets CD’s fly off the counter and blind the baristas. Kurt thinks Blaine has a crush on him!

Schue assigns the Gleetards their weekly homework: pick and perform your favorite love song ever. UGH, yes. Can I just live this episode again, Groundhog Day style to protect me from bullshit episodes to come? Brittany the Perfect reads the word “Love” off the whiteboard, then cheers for herself: “totally gonna graduate now!” That’s a new kind of Brittany the Perfect joke, and there’s another of this genre to follow. I support it! It’s all in the delivery, not just insane words, and girl’s got the delivery down like Heathcliff Huxtable (who delivered babies so well he could afford a mansion in Brooklyn (hi Tempestt Bledsoe! My cousin Becky used to call your talkshow “Tempsett” and it would make me laugh and laugh!)).

Finn is convinced that he’s a mondo McKinley celebutante now, so he’s opening a kissing booth to raise money for charity. His charity of choice? Nude Erections—a temporary home for the misshapen, unlovable, and Schue. Then everyone decides to tell Santana that she’s a huge bitch—Lauren tells her, Quinn tells her, even Rachel tells her, somehow still admitting that she herself is “destined” to play Willow on Broadway.

Puck starts in on Lauren, trying to waft his perfumed pec cleave before her at every available moment; but, unlike the characters just like her on a million other shows, Lauren’s not desperate for penises, so Puck’s going to have to step up his game if he wants a date. How Jane Austen of you, Lauren Zizes… I’m intrigued (“don’t fuck it up”—RuPaul).

Back at Delicious Boymeat Academy, Blaine has called an emergency summit of the Warblers Council. He has a crush, and his boner for this unnamed MALE person threatens to tear the very fabric with which he is pants’d. He needs everyone’s help to pull some Improv Everywhere shit at the poor guy’s workplace, which happens to be The Gap in the mall. Sah-wee Kuwt, it ain’t u, grrrrl. The Warblers Council is OUTRAGED at the suggestion that they sing off-campus, because the last time The Warblers sang off campus, a bunch of them died in a hilariously-dated joke and reference that I kind of missed because I was giggling. Forgiven? Oh! And the The Warblers Everywhere stunt is going to be called Gap Attack, in case you want to look it up on YouTube and send that shit VIRAL.

Kurt’s pretty saddened to learn that he’s not Blaine’s crush. I know how you feel—every time I remember that Blaine is fake and couldn’t possibly have a crush on me, and those blazers probably cost like $1,200.00, I get real sad too. He has a slumby with Rachel and Mercedes, which turns out to be a really cute scene FOR REAL. The three self-described “divas” (shudder, but I get it) are probably better off without boys—all their idols (all the obvious ones plus Patti LuPone (très authentique)) were discovered while single. Then Rachel says she’s going to buy 100 kisses from Finn at his kissing booth to prove they belong together, LOLOL. Rachel… ARE YOU BACK FROM HELL? COULD IT BE TRUE? I KNOW IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT, OKAY? I KNOW. (Again: “don’t fuck it up”—RuPaul).

Time for some fucking songs already! Puck’s got the first number: “Fat Bottom Girls” by Queen, directed at Lauren and full of teen male horniness. I kiiiiiiiiiiiind of loved this, even though I wanted to not care about it? His delivery was Rotweiler-esque, I can’t describe it any better.

Lauren H8’d it. Whoops?

Finn’s kissing booth is in full swing, everyone lining up to lick the banana pulp off his canines for a buck. He really wants Quinn to pay him for a kiss, but she won’t; Naked Sam spies them talking and is like “oh no!” So he confronts Quinn about it, and she gets offended, and is like “fine I WILL kiss Finn NOW.”

Back at the booth, Rachel’s next in line and demands a kiss from Finn. He pecks her on the cheek, which sends her into a fit, during which she admits she’s still in love with Finn. She apologizes for cheating on him and being intolerable, and he doesn’t forgive her but he DOES finally give her her Christmas present, which is a necklace with a star on it. Cute.

Down the hall, Mike and Artie are deep in conversation about how against all odds (Asian-ness and a wheelchair?) they’ve both got great girlfriends. Aw. Then they REVOLUTIONIZE the art of Gleeformance with an imagination-rendition of “P.Y.T.” by Michael Jackson that had me clapping so hard my hands became Roti. ZOMG, I love that song (everyone does in the entire world), and the whole thing being shot in slow-mo? I know it’s nothing “NEW” per se, but it werk’d. It werk’d real hard.

“Tenderoni”—that song, lol.

Brittany the Perfect was so impressed by the Gleeformance that she had to simply give Artie a slow and earnest “Arsenio,” saying “that’s my man, his legs don’t work.” YAY (joke #2 in that style I brought up a hundred pages ago?).

Meanwhile, a couple lockers over, Santana is AWARE of Puck’s feelings for Lauren (his pheromones fuckin’ STINK when something’s on his mind), and she is NOT OKAY with it. You see, Santana previously Kegel’d Puck halfway to the grave, and she’s not about to share her fuckbuddy with some overweight young woman named Lauren. Lauren sticks up for herself, and she and Santana get into a monster smackdown of a catfight. Santana’s quick, and from the wrong side of the tracks, spitting HILARIOUSLY made-up and bitchy slang in Lauren’s face. But, Lauren’s a hulk of a fighter with both brains and brawn, so she picks Santana up and throws her against the lockers a million times, then slides her down the hallway like a dead Curling stone. DUNZO.

Quinn finally makes it around to Finn’s kissing booth for a smooch, under Naked Sam’s watchful JEALOUSYSTARE. When their lips touch, Finn and Quinn both see and feel FIREWORKS, and Quinn wants M.O.R.E. She secretly makes a plan with Finn to cheat on Naked Sam with their mouths.

GAP ATTACK TIIIIIIIIIIIIME. We get to see the object of Blaine’s affection, and he is a stunning Euro muscle-twink with a disgusting mop of Alice in Chains hair named Jeremiah. Of course she is.

The Warblers, with Blaine on lead vocalzzz (doy) launch into a stirring Gleeformance of “When I Get You Alone” by Robin Thicke. Normally I couldn’t give 3 farts in a g-clef balloon about this song, though I do love me the fact that Robin Thicke exists and kind of rules. But, Blaine’s singing on this, oh lord. He sings SO HARD, almost Mercedes-level gut-screaming perfection. ALMOST.

Jeremiah H8’d it, got fired because of it, and oh yeah, wasn’t even out of the closet. Saw that one cumming. Also, he can’t date Blaine because it’s illegal—Blaine’s underage and he’s from the ‘90’s. Hey Blaine: I don’t care AT ALL that you’re underage. Meet me at Gitmo, booboo, let’s make it HAPPEN.

Then it’s time for Gleehearsal, and we’re inside Santana’s brain. She’s wearing a STUNNING sleeveless vest, which was the first time I really noticed that she, Quinn, and Brittany the Perfect were wearing normal-girl clothes instead of Cheerio’s uniforms. This vest was genius:

And there were two other looks (on the other girls) that deserve Grammy’s or some shit. Brittany the Perfect’s Debbi Gibson on top, Pippi Longstocking on the bottom get-up:

…and Quinn’s Industrial Revolution skirt in crimson (she’s like an American Girl doll with too complicated a back story):

Right, so we’re inside Santana’s brain and she figures out that something’s up with Quinn and Finn. She decides to pull some insane shit and expose them: expose them as cheaters BY EXPOSING THEM TO MONO. She dons a pornographic candystriper outfit (just had it lying around in my HURT LOCKER), and Frenches a kid with Mono at the nurse’s office.

She’s immune to that shit because she’s “had Mono so many times it turned into stereo.” Then she passes the bug along to Finn at his kissing booth. THIS SHIT IS SHAKESPEARE.

Puck finally corners Lauren in the library and begs for a date. She says “I look like America, and just like America I need more than just a song to get my juices flowing.” Where to begin? Then Puck says something charming-ish, and she relents. They set a date to eat at Breadsticks.

Quinn and Finn meet up for their secret tryst onstage in the auditorium. I was really expecting them to scream a duet, but for whatever reason, they just talked and then kissed.

Back at Starbucks, Kurt confesses to Blaine that he has a crush on him, and was hoping Blaine’s crush was on him and not Silverchair. Blaine takes it well, even though he wasn’t really ever thinking of Kurt that way. But, he’s sweet about it, and you never know, right?

Lauren stands Puck up at Breadsticks, so he makes out with a waitress out back to dull the pain. The waitress says “my dad’s a drug addict so losers make me horny” (LOVE), and then ditches him to take a phonecall from her husband (lol).

The next day at school, Finn and Quinn totally have Mono. They have to go home. Santana: you minx-hole.

It’s time for Tina to Gleeform her favorite love song ever for Mike, and she’s chosen “My Funny Valentine,” because of his world-famous dance comedy skillz. My <3 choked a little on bile when she first started singing—after such a good episode, was I really going to have to sit through this donkey shit? NOPE! A couple bars in, Tina starts to get real emotional and choked up, and ends up scream-gurgling the song through powerful pangs of FEELINGS-NESS. Ho, boy, it’s pretty fucking hilarious. Kind of wish they’d kicked it up a notch and CGI’d some 300-looking storm clouds brewing, sync’d up to her emotions, but, whatever, I guess Glee doesn’t want to stray from their documentary-esque portrayal of reality. “She’s possessed! Goodie Cohen-Chang is totes communing with dark magixx!”

Puck confronts Lauren about standing him up, and she gives him some shit about wanting to take it slow (how much slower can you go than dinner before the first fuck????), and agrees to hang out with him on Valentine’s Day, as friends. Me not like that. Own your shit, Lauren Zizes. It’s okay to want to date and hookup and live, girl, LIVE.

Rachel visits Finn in the nurse’s office, and tries to Florence Nightingale herself back into his good graces. But then Finn tells her about the fireworks her saw and felt when he kissed Quinn, and Rachel is pretty hurt. He never saw fireworks when he kissed Rachel, even though she’s beautiful and talented (she really fished for those compliments, it was kind of sweet).

Rachel’s feelings all explode in a MAGNIFICENT Gleeformance of Katy Perry’s “Firework.” UGH, I am NOT a fan of Katy Perry, or of this song, which I hear playing in every room I enter (store, office, car (moving room), bar, etc.), much to my nausea. But take Katy herself out of the equation, and the song is fucking FINE, good even! Rachel’s screaming drags it out of the garbage by the hair and plops it right down in Heaven.

So that was Rachel’s love song for the week. Okay!

That night, every single person from the show descends on Breadsticks, to take in a live performance by The Warblers. It’s adorable: Blaine and the girls scream “Silly Love Songs” by Wings, and all is right with the world. Santana kind of makes eyes at Sam, and then the shit ends!

Great job, Gleetards! Wait, I just realized: NO MERCEDES LOVE SONG?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????????????????? I’ve suggested it before, and I’ll suggest it again:

Next week: Justin Bieber songs and Sue joins Nude Erections. Oooofa, who knows? I guess I’ll just start taking my Imodium now? It’ll probably be FINE :) !