15 Ways In Which The Bachelor Will Be Different This Season

This season of The Bachelor, which premiered last night on ABC, stars Brad Womack as The Bachelor again. I guess he was already The Bachelor once? Well he’s back. Congrats, ladies. If someone goes on a reality show to find true love and it doesn’t work so they go back on the same reality show a second time, that is when you know they are a keeper! But don’t expect this season of The Bachelor to be your run-of-the-mill season of The Bachelor. It’s going to be different! The HollywoodReporter explains how:

Womack will have 30 women competing for him, as compared to Jake Pavelka’s 20 women and Ali Fedotwosky’s 25. The reason for the extra women? To fill more time.

“We’ve added episodes and gone to two hours of late. It helps us fill some voids and make it more compelling,” host Chris Harrison tells TV Guide.

One woman vying for a rose has fangs — and freaks out Womack, according to Harrison. “Everyone … is going to be like, ‘She has fangs! Of course you’re going to let her go!'” he says. But Womack isn’t quick to send her home.

HAHAHAHHA. Cooooool. Obviously, the woman with fangs is a real TWIST. Everyone is going to be like “She has fangs!” Because she has fangs. But it’s also very cool how much work ABC has put into…filling time. That is the mark of a truly great TV show: that it makes banal adjustments to its format in order to pad things out and stretch them as thin as possible. Think M.A.S.H. Think The Sopranos. Classic time wasters. “This season, Tony is going to have 30 calzones at the Pork Store instead of 25 calzones at the Pork Store!” Two-hour Adriana death scene. Etc.

Here are 15 more ways in which this season of The Bachelor will be different:

    15. All of this season’s group dates will take place in sweatshops and field hospitals.
    14. All of this season’s one-on-one dates will take place in a high school cafeteria.
    13. Instead of handing the women roses, Brad will hand them deli line tickets.
    12. If the women refuse the tickets, they are forced into internment camps.
    11. Some of this season’s group dates will also take place in the internment camps.
    10. In the finale, one woman that Brad regrets eliminating will be brought back from the internment camps, blindfolded, spun in circles, and allowed to shoot a gun with one bullet in it in whatever direction she chooses.
    9. One of the women will actually be a replicant with a poisonous synthetic vagina. If Brad fucks her, he will die.
    8. If the women do not argue in the kitchen at night after the dates, they will be tased by off-duty law enforcement officers.
    7. Each week, the show’s host, Chris Harrison, will share an embarrassing detail from his personal life in a tear-sodden private confessional.
    6. There will be elements of Fear Factor incorporated into this season.
    5. On one of the dates, Brad Womack will discover that one of the women has a penis. Everyone is going to be like, “She has a penis! Of course you’re going to let her go!” But Womack isn’t quick to send her home.
    4. One night, a dead body is discovered in the billiard room and no one can leave until they have determined who is the culprit.
    3. In a surprising twist, the final three women will have the choice between spending one romantic night in the honeymoon suite with Brad, OR attending a guest lecture by Noam Chomsky at Rutgers University.
    2. This season of The Bachelor will be sponsored by Pepsi instead of Coke!
    1. On the thrilling season finale, it is revealed that Brad Womack has been dead the whole time.

Of course, one of the ways in which this season of The Bachelor will not be any different from past seasons of The Bachelor is that I will not be watching it. You can’t change EVERYTHING, you’ll confuse the audience!