Videogum

A Question About The Tourist

The Tourist opens today, you guys, and it looks terrible. It stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp (and I bet you that the person who wrote the screenplay would tell you that as far as they are concerned Venice is the real star of the movie) in some kind of madcap (but not silly madcap? Like, Oscar madcap?) mistaken identity spy/murder/something thriller. Angelina Jolie meets Johnny Depp on a train and seduces him but then people want to kill Johnny Depp because they think he’s Angelina Jolie’s boyfriend and he’s like “ROOM SERVICE HELP!” Something like that? But then I think it’s also one of those things where, like, by the end of the movie Johnny Depp proves himself to be somehow very good at shooting a gun while driving a boat over a ramp into a helicopter, and even Angelina Jolie, a terrible person who put a stranger’s life in danger in an attempt to escape international murder cartels over some other equally serious crime is like “may I kiss you?” One of those movies. It just looks dumb! Whatever, maybe it’s great! Although I was talking to a friend about movie trailers the other day, not The Tourist trailer, but the trailer for The Town, actually–you guys know how it is when you’re talking about the trailer for a movie that has already come and gone from theaters months ago, it’s called a conversation, look it up–and I was saying that my friend’s critique of The Town as not being very good (I still have not seen) made sense because the trailer was weird, and we live in a time in herstory where trailers are so heavily produced and thoroughly codified that even most bad movies can have really great and exciting and compelling trailers, so if there’s something off about your trailer where the movie looks bad IN THE TRAILER, then the movie itself probably has some very serious problems. See also: the trailer for The Tourist, is my point.

But, so, I have a question about The Tourist:

Why does Hollywood think that everyone will be excited just because Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are in a movie together? Have you noticed that? All of the promotional hum surrounding the movie is all about how exciting it is that THE Johnny Depp will finally “share the screen” with THE Angelina Jolie. Uh, so what? Correct me if I am wrong, but aren’t they both movie stars? So, then, the excitement is that they are both doing their jobs? And how come we are supposed to be excited when they are the ones getting millions of dollars and a free European vacation? You know, come to think of it, movie stars almost never talk about how exciting it is to get millions of dollars and free vacations. They should talk about that more! It seems REALLY exciting, and I know that talking about how much money you make or how many free luxurious first class European vacations you get might seem kind of gauche, but come on. SMILE AT LEAST. But, so, does my question make sense? Can someone answer my question? This isn’t Heat 2: Hotter. Although there again: we’re just talking about movie stars being in movies, I do not understand the fuss. You know, when Jungle 2 Jungle came out in 1997 it was the first time Time Allen and Jo Beth Williams had ever appeared in a movie together and no one said a word.

Hmm. I know this is kind of a lot of words just to bring up a very minor point that I happened to be thinking about. Deal with it. Oh, and also, here’s a dancing hamster!

And a cat reading a newspaper!

Is that better, you COMPLAINING LAZYBONES? TGIFRIDAY! GO SEE THE TOURIST HAHA JUST KIDDING PROBABLY. (Both videos via Arbroath.)