Glee S02E10: “Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ!”—Rude Homosexuals

[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]

It’s December 8th, 2010: THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS! Oh man, hope you’re not all so hungover from how it was Christmas last night. You probably stayed up all night chugging egg nog and eating whole geese, French kissing your brand new Sega, making snowmen, learning lessons about real-life Earth angels and poverty, having deep and meaningful intercours under the mistletoe with all your relatives, while watching Reindeer Games on Blu-ray over and over and over and over. I know what it’s like—I’ve seen a few Christmas episodes of shit. This was one of those!!! It was fine. A million weeks ago, when Glee burped its XXXmas album out into the ether for tons of cash, you know I listened to that shit, and it made me shudder. Yick. It sounded like Pokemon emailing about Christmas. But, once those beep-boop sounds were coming out of the characters’ faces last night, it didn’t seem so bad at all. I mean, it wasn’t this:

…but what is? Also: Rachel has so many berets, and no doy is planning to have Chinese takeout on Christmas. Now that that’s out of the way…

The episode opens in the teachers’ lounge, where Schue and Emma are having a post-elope, awkward chat about the holidays. Schue’s gonna be alone with his Herbal Essences helmet on Christmas, which makes the bugs in Emma’s skull all sympathetic. She invites him to her party she’s throwing with Hot Uncle Jesse Carl, and then all the teachers pick names out of a tub of protein powder for their Secret Santa. Schue picks Sue, duh, and Emma’s upset by her pick, too, but we don’t see who it is.

Brittany the Perfect still believes in Santa with all her Perfectness, which throws Artie for a loop. She delivers a few choice lines on the matter of Christmas:

“Last year I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation, and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was Rabies … Artie, the roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous, you need to write your letter to Santa really fast, and get it in the mail today. And remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.”

Then all the Gleetards sing “The Island of Misfit Toys” from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” as they decorate the Gleehearsal room for Christmas. No asshole put that number online yet, probably because it’s not part of the official Christmas album, so here’s the original:

The Gleetards take extra special care to emphasize “we’re all misfits!!!!” in the song, in case you’ve missed the last two dozen episodes or so. Get it? They don’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Their Christmas decorations are as left-of-cool as they are: a big tree that Finn stole when it fell off someone’s truck, ornaments from Santana’s neighbor who’s a holiday hoarder. Schue’s unimpressed with their efforts, so he forces them to go and sing at a local school for either poor or mean kids, I wasn’t really listening at this point, called MicKinley Bento (?). The Gleetards show up and scream a few bars of “We Need a Little Christmas” to the poor or mean kids, who heckle them, and then the poor or mean teacher throws her shoe at them. Lolz.

We’re gonna need a lot more shoes! “This is a goodbye kiss from the music industry, dog!”

Brittany the Perfect is sick of her Gleetarded friends getting bullied for being assholes, so she asks Santa to end bullying. WE GET IT. All the other Gleetards are like “what did she say?!” but Artie’s all “please don’t burst her bubble,” and enlists everyone to help him keep Brittany the Perfect’s belief in Santa alive.

To do this, all the Gleetards go an sit on a black mall Santa’s lap—Mercedes thinks he smells like McDonalds, Santa pops a boner for Santana’s warm ass—and Brittany the Perfect isn’t fazed by his face because her belief is color blind. And perfect. She IS concerned about the working conditions of Santa’s elves—she likens it to slavery. Then she asks stinky, horny Santa to make Artie walk—that’s all she wants in the whole wide world. Gulp.

Rachel’s desperate to win Finn back after begging Puck to fuck her (and getting reject-o-ed) last week (ish?), so she’s created a “winter wonderland” on the stage of McKinley’s auditorium, just for him. Then she gives him a gift certificate for one song of his choice to be screamed by her directly into his face—that gift is SO Raven Rachel. Anyway, this whole plan doesn’t work—Finn bitches about the artificial trees Rachel used in her “winter wonderland” set (ape need real tree in habitat), and declines the scream-offer right to Rachel’s ever-quivering mug. But, Rachel is Rachel, and her overlords on the writing staff don’t want to give her one second of fine-ness this season, so she’s like “THE SHOW MUST GO ON” (nope, no it doesn’t), and then screams “Merry Christmas, Darling” into the void:

Ugh, couldn’t this have been fun for EVEN ONE SECOND? No? What if she’d sang “All I Want for Christmas is You”—same lyrics, faster tempo, make Rachel look like she’s from now-ish? Try it on:

Lolz, that video has WAY OVER 20 million views. Perfect/duh/yaaaaay/REALLY?! Also, this performance is BEYOND perfection, every goddamn second of it, every stitch of every costume. What is it, 99 degrees out? LOLOLOLOLOL. At least 10 of the views on this guy are me:

STOP IT. That is so good. Hopefully you made it to the pure-white second-long fireworks “display.” Yes. What’s this blog about? Ugh, right…

So, Schue is really stuck, trying to think of what to buy Sue for Christmas—he’s making a list WITH A SHARPIE and so far all he’s got is “robot dog” (Schue would never think of that) and “a soul” (ZOMG IS THIS ANOTHER JOSS WHEDON EPISODE?! (no.)).

Meanwhile, over at Delicious Boymeat Academy, Blaine needs Kurt’s help rehearsing a song he’s singing for some shit or other. So, they scream “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”:

Swoooooon. There’s a really fine line between cloying and delightful sometimes, and this number used that line to floss its asscrack, tight-rope-style, miles above the ground in Heaven. Just fucking ADORABLE. So, maybe you’ve noticed, but the numbers in this episode blow harder than Santana trying to take it easy on you for the most part, so this one gets the Princess Crown 4 Alright-ness this week! That’s my new weekly awards show, tune in!

Schue shows up at Delicious Boymeat Academy right after Blaine and Kurt stop screaming and he and Kurt have a pretty adorable reunion for a second. Then Schue’s like “I’m here because you’re FABULOUS, GIRLFRIEND” or some-such shit, and asks Kurt to help him shop for Sue, because Kurt is so FIERCE at SHOPPING, ssssister.

The next day at McKinley, all the teachers are delivering their Secret Santa gifts to the lounge, when they all figure out that THEY ALL drew Sue’s name, she rigged the whole fucking thing, and is gonna be drowning in home appliances and fur-lined Adidas hoodies (that’s what Kurt picked out for her <3) this year. That. Bitch. When the other teachers object, she’s like “IT IS ILLEGAL FOR YOU TO REMOVE THIS PROPERTY FROM THESE PREMISES” or some bullshit (typical Sue), and the other teachers are like “frowny-face, but fine!” Oh, except for Schue and Bieste, two scenes later, who are like “nuh-uh,” and take the gifts back from Sue and put them under the tree in the Gleehearsal room, to be donated to the needy.

Artie, Mike, Naked Sam, and Puck beg Coach Bieste to dress up as Santa and break into Brittany the Perfect’s house, to keep her belief alive. Remember that from a million minutes ago? Then Sue dresses herself up as The Grinch, and Becky up as a Rein-dog, and steals back her gifts and ruins the Gleehearsal room’s decorations, while literally k.d. Lang sings “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”:

Uh huh… That’s gotta be one of the weirdest things that’s ever happened on this show, right? Including k.d. Lang in the equation, doyoyoy. Guess she’s not “worth” promoting as a guest star? Or showing her face? Or, just having someone from the show sing it? God, she sounds gr8 though, right, and why is Sue dressed up like The Grinch for real? No one’s gonna see her.

But then Brittany the Perfect DOES see her and is like “Santy Claus?” or whatever. Man, whenever they tried to make Brittany the Perfect seem like an innocent, little child with a <3 full of sugar plums … IT FUCKING WORKED. Ooooh, man, so adorable and fucking hilarious. GR8 JOB, all! Sue’s pretty tender and tells Brittany the Perfect to go home, Santy’s just … fixing things, and she’s like “OK!” Was this a scene from the actual Grinch cartoon? No time to check (time=energy÷interest, yes?).

The Gleetards are all pretty devastated by the vandalism, and Schue’s like “I know Sue did this,” but Brittany the Perfect is like “no, it was Santy Claus, I saw him.” NOPE, STILL NOT ANNOYING. YAAAY! Finn is like “fuck this noise, ‘TIS THE SEASON, ASSHOLES, FUCKING GET OVER IT.” He’s SO INTO Christmas.

Finn and Rachel go shopping for a Gleeplacement tree, and Rachel tries to be all flirty with him, but he’s not having it. Then, in the background, some music starts and Rachel’s like “ZOMG, this is my fav X-mass jam, it’s by Wham!” And they proceed to sing “Last Christmas” as a stirring duet, without even TRYING to make a gay joke about Rachel’s dads. Are you sure you don’t even want to try? How ‘bout “my shorter dad loves this song, and I always thought he loved egg nog, too, but then I realized he was just drinking my taller dad’s cum out of a glass at the dinner table, spiked with Rum, because they are disgusting sinners who should be in jail for trying to raise a child in their den of depravity”? Just brainstorming here… Oh, right, hit it, boys!

The song was fine, and I know a lot people are probably thinking “but Rachel’s Jewish, why would she even have a favorite Christmas song?” But, let’s get real. A) Rachel has a favorite EVERYTHING song, and B) every Jew (I think?) has a favorite Christmas song. Right? I do. It’s “The Little Drummer Boy,” DOYOYOYOYOYOY and these bitches didn’t scream it for me last night, even though Finn “plays” the drums and everything!

After the song, Rachel’s like “last Christmas, I asked Santa for you” and Finn’s like “oh, really, whose … face were you wearing?” JKJKJK, that would’ve ruled. Instead he’s like “fucking stop it, YOU ARE OFFICIALLY DUMPED.” Burnzo.

The Gleetards have fallen into a deep funk over their Christmas worriez, and decide to go all “Gift of the Magi” for presents? Like pawn their watches and cut off their hair? This was sooo weird—who the fuck got in a nasty debt with the O. Henry estate? Schue’s not hearing it either, he’s like “Shut the fuck up! We need to find some truly needy people right now and scream in their faces!”

That night, Brittany the Perfect is tucking in her Barbie and Ken dolls (“Barbie took the early flight from Tampa” so she’s real tired), when she finds Santy Claus (Coach Bieste in drag) in her house. She’s elated, but then very sad when Santy Claus tells her that he/she can’t make Artie walk. Santy Bieste even tries to soften the blow, telling Brittany the Perfect about a certain husky little girl who asked Santa to make her pretty, but he didn’t, and then she learned to use her husky-ness to her advantage. Ugh, poor Coach Biest, Jesus. Then Brittany the Perfect is like “are you talking about Ricki Lake?” Lolz.

Brittany the Perfect is TOO SAD to sing the next day, so Artie takes her home, while their fellow Gleetards scream “Welcome Christmas” in the faces of McKinley’s entire faculty, wearing matching maroon snowflake cardigans and begging for cash. This is a BONUS TRACK on their XXXmas album y’all, BUY BUY BUY (JK, don’t):

Sue and Becky overhear the number—they haven’t murdered everyone’s happiness after all!

After their screaming, the Gleetards come back to the Gleehearsal room to find Brittany the Perfect and Artie waiting for them. When those two got back to Brittany the Perfect’s house, they found a Re-Walk under the tree, which is an actual invention by an actual Israeli that actually allows actually handicapped people to actually walk around. They have no idea how it got there—Brittany the Perfect’s dad was “taking a long poop” (LOLOL finally) and it just appeared under the tree!!!!

Artie takes a few steps for his friends, and then the camera pans to Coach Bieste, watching angelically, and it’s clear that she bought the Re-Walk to make Brittany the Perfect’s dream cum true. According to one website, the Re-Walk costs $100,000.00, and comes out some time this year. Yaaaaaaaay, Coach Bieste is at least loaded—the least they could do for dragging her soul through the shit-machine for so many months.

So, Schue heads home (en pointe, probz) to spend Christmas alone, just wearing a casual long-sleeve body suit and a normal, casual wool suiting vest over it, when suddenly HE’S NOT ALONE IN HIS HOUSE AT ALL. Sue’s there, decorating the tree, maybe returning all those presents if that’s even still a thing, and she’s bought him a hair-trimmer too, because his hairstyle is nuts and actually he’d be such a fuckin’ fox with a crew cut. THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT:

Sue’s got another surprise: all the Gleetards are there too, and they’re gonna help do whatever at their teacher’s house on Christmas. Very cool!

Next week’s a rerun :(. The Madonna episode, I think. I really don’t want anyone to die, so here is my XXXmas gift to you all: the full My So-Called Life Christmas episode on Hulu, or broken into pieces on YouTube, for the foreigners in our e-midst.