In the above commercial for the Italian coffee market (via Vulture), American actress Julia Roberts was paid a reported 1.5 million dollars, and yet, as you will notice, she does not say a single word. WHAT A WORLD! It’s a little late in the proverbial day to make too much noise about the ways in which some people in this world make ludicrous amounts of money for superfluous contributions while others literally starve to fucking death, and Julia Roberts is actually one of the lesser offenders, but also, you know, STILL. Good grief. Also, really, Italy? Julia Roberts? What, was Kathy Ireland unavailable? (Insert other examples of famously beautiful women who still look great not only for their age but for any age but also whom we can all agree have lost a certain cultural relevance when it comes to representing physical ideals.) At the very least, if you’re going to give Julia Roberts 1.5 million dollars, at least get some snappy sass from her. SNAPPY SASS! Let’s give her some snappy sass. “But Gabe, by giving her snappy sass for free while she continues to pull in massive sums for doing nothing, aren’t we kind of reinforcing the system’s aggressive disregard for value-added?” “I don’t know, probably. Now let’s do it!” Caption her face!
Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. Mama Mia, that’s ah spicy comments!