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The Walking Dead S01E04: Homies Don’t Play Dat!

The two blonde sisters are out on a boat in the middle of the quarry, fishing. Are there fish in quarries? Aren’t quarries usually just murky lifeless holes in the ground? We will never know, of course, because there is no Wikipedia in the Zombie Apocalypse. The girls start talking about fishing knots in a very intense way. Relax, ladies. Apparently, their dad taught them different types of fishing knots because of how THEY ARE DIFFERENT TYPES OF PEOPLE. Oh boy, here come the waterworks. Ladies, I’m not trying to interrupt what is clearly a breakthrough bonding session that the two of you are having on a boat in the middle of the quarry, but you do realize that you are in the middle of a Zombie Apocalypse, right? I’m just saying that it is time to buck up. If it hurts too much to talk about fishing knots, then do not talk about fishing knots. Lord knows, you would save the rest of us a lot of boredom. “Are they still talking about fishing knots?” “Yeah, they’re crying now, but the conversation is still pretty much about the knots.” “OK, wake me up when they’re done talking about fishing knots.” “Might be awhile.” “That’s fine, I could use the shut-eye.”

Meanwhile, dude’s up on a hill digging holes in the ground. UH OH!

Back up on the roof, the gang has found Merle’s severed hand. His brother, Darryl, is like “Well, this definitely means that I’m going to shoot the black guy in the head with a crossbow.” But then Grimes is like, “Mexican stand-off!” OH THANK GOODNESS. Can you believe we’re four episodes into this show and this is our first Mexican stand-off?! Grimes tells Darryl that he will not hesitate, and that he doesn’t care if the gunshot brings every walker in the city. CLASSIC CRIMES! Darryl lowers his crossbow. Phew. Thanks, Grimes! Then Darryl asks the black guy (I recognize that it’s weird to just keep calling him “the black guy” but it is also weird that his character’s name is just “T-Dog,” so) IF HE HAS A DOO-RAG “OR SOMETHING.” Hahahhahahahha. He wraps his brother’s hand in a bandana and makes Glenn put it in his backpack. Double haha. Look at Glenn’s face.

Darryl explains that Merle must have used a tourniquet, “maybe his belt,” which explains why there isn’t more blood. That must be SOME TOURNIQUET! They follow some driblets of blood down the roof and into an office building. Whoops, ZOMBIE SECRETARIES! No big deal. If they have time to lean, they have time to get shot in the head with a crossbow.

They find a bloody kitchen (where is this kitchen? In the office?) with the oven burner still on. “What’s that burned stuff?” Glenn asks. “It’s skin,” Grimes says, “he cauterized the wound.” Hahaha. I don’t know why this is so funny to me. Yes, sure, he cauterized the wound. You gotta. Always Be Cauterizing. I guess it is just funny to me because I feel like the only time I’ve ever heard about cauterizing wounds is basically in some ridiculous Zombie Apocalypse movie. Nobody ever cauterizes wounds on 30 Rock, or in my family. Also, there was some book I read in Junior High, maybe Lord of the Flies, where someone cauterized a wound with a lemon? Merle should have used a lemon!

BACK AT THE CAMP: dude will not stop digging holes. Everyone is like, dude, stop digging holes. He says he isn’t hurting anyone. They point out that he is hurting himself because it is 100 degrees out, but also that he is scaring the children. Really? I don’t mean to be a broken record about the whole ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE thing, but I have a feeling that anyone, child or adult, who has seen the walking dead roaming the streets in the thousands is pretty unperturbed by a dude digging holes with a shovel. Anyway, they really do want him to stop with the holes. “Make me,” he says. So they make him. Shane is like, “tackle,” and the dude is like, “oof, I’m tackled.”

Easy enough. They tie him up to a tree. Do you guys remember that time on Lost when Sayid tied Sawyer to a tree and threatened to rip his fingernails off? Man, remember Lost? Kind of wish we were watching Lost right now. Eventually, the dude explains that he was digging the holes because of sunstroke and because of something that he dreamed that he cannot remember. OK, weirdo. They leave him tied to the tree for a really long time, because that’s what weirdos get.

Glenn has a plan for how they can get the bag of guns. It involves a diorama of the city, a bar of soap that is Grimes, and walkie talkies. Blah blah blah, he will go alone and everybody else will cover him from two separate alleyways. What could possibly go wrong? Glenn makes it to the bag and grabs the bag and also gets Grimes’s police hat (GRIMES’S HAT!) and runs back to the alley but meanwhile, some kid in a dirty wife-beater with a VERY EXCELLENT marijuana leaf tattoo on his neck has come up to Darryl in the alleyway and is distracting him. Pay attention, Darryl! And just when Glenn runs up, that is when a car full of cholos pulls up and kidnaps Glenn. Oh no! NOT COOL, ESES! Oh, wait, eses! You forgot the kid in the wife-beater!

Bad job, guys. You either kidnap someone OR you leave with everyone you came with, but you don’t kidnap someone and ditch a dude. Do the math. They go to a warehouse to try and make a trade, but that is when they meet the King of the Homies!

He says that he wants the bag of guns. Grimes is like that is my bag of guns. He’s like you don’t understand. Grimes is like YOU don’t understand. You could cut the racial stereotypes with a knife. Grimes has an ace in his sleeve, which is T-Dog up on the roof with a sniper rifle. But King of the Homies has an ace up HIS sleeve, which is Glenn on the roof with a bag over his head. He tells Grimes to come back with his bag of guns, or to come back “locked and loaded.” Hahahaha. Oh man. No.

Grimes, being Grimes, COMES BACK LOCKED AND LOADED.

NOW WHAT, SON?! I’ll tell you what: ABUELA IS WHAT.

You know how it is. Even in the middle of a high-tension, potentially violent stand-off in the middle of a city ravaged by a Zombie Apocalypse, nobody stands in abuela’s way. She takes Grimes and the gang through some hallways to…an old folk’s home? Sure. It turns out that the dangerous gang of mildly offensive hispanic stereotypes were actually GOOD GUYS THE WHOLE TIME! They wanted the bag of guns to defend their assisted living center! Admittedly, that is a VERY INTENSE CHARADE TO KEEP UP THAT THEY KEPT UP. Like, even the kid with the marijuana tattoo on his neck being faced with the potential threat of having his feet cut off was just, like, “G is da man ovah dere, kid.” Whatever. Slanging on the flippity flop, I’m sure. Grimes and Don Vato have a heart-to-heart discussion about how hard it is to find decent people in the Zombie Apocalypse and how necessary it is to play caricatures of ethnic subcultures and threaten massive gun violence in order to protect some dude in a wheelchair? Grimes gives him half of the bag of guns, they get Glenn, PEACE OUT, DAWGS.

Uh oh. The truck is gone. Merle took the truck. Uh oh uh oh uh oh. (Incidentally, remember how one of the explanations Grimes gave to his wife for why he needed to abandon her and their child on a suicide mission into Atlanta was that he was going to try and raise that father and son from the first episode on the radio because he promised them he would find them and save them? Cool thing he never did any of that. Hope those guys are just wandering around Atlanta all alone being like ‘Grimes? Come in, Grimes!’) Oh, no big deal about the truck, I guess. Turns out, it is totally possible to just run all the way back to camp. (Whuuuuuuuuut?!)

Back at camp, everyone is getting ready for the big fish fry. YAY! FISH FRYYYYYY! The one blonde sister is trying to find wrapping paper because it’s the other blonde lady’s birthday (SPOILER ALERT: it’s about to get MUCH EASIER to keep track of which is which) and she is finally going to give her the hideous piece of garbage dolphin jewelry. Haha. Why do you need wrapping paper, lady? Why don’t you just PUT IT IN A GARBAGE CAN?! “Oh, you shouldn’t have. Seriously. You literally should not have given this to me. It’s horrible.” Oh, hey, Ed, how’s the face?

Don’t worry too much about it, Ed. You’re about to be a zombie! (Did anyone else notice when Ed got turned into a zombie how he sat there for such a long time just waiting for the zombie to do something? Let’s put it this way, if Ed and the zombie were on the phone, they would do that thing where they both coo at each other to be the first one to hang up and no one hangs up. Just hang up already, lovers.)

So, yeah, zombies show up and like TOTALLY ruin the fish fry.

When it is all over, the dude who was digging the holes is like “Oh yeah, I totally remember why I dug the holes now!” Hahaha. Cool. Cool, dude. Maybe this is just me, but I have a feeling that if a bunch of people in my Zombie Apocalypse Survival Camp just got eaten by zombies in the middle of an otherwise perfectly pleasant fish fry the night after I feverishly dug a bunch of graves in the ground and I finally made the connection between the sunstroke graves and the dream I had the night before about everyone dying, I’d smile to myself and KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT. “Oh, hey, guys, stop screaming for a second. I want to tell you about THE DREAM I HAD LAST NIGHT in which I foresaw the horrible thing that just happened. Oh, you’re going to love it, it was SUCH A WEIRD DREAM!” Come on, man. No one wants to hear it. Write it in your dream journal, that’s what it’s for.