One of the hottest shows on tv right now is Glee. And, why not? Who wouldn’t want to watch a tv show about young, nubile 20 year olds pretending like they’re high school students, sincerely singing show tunes that are normally relegated to the campiest of piano bars and contemporary dance hits that one usually only hears while trying to cruise a muscled latino power bottom at Barracuda? I know at least 660 people who would! However, not content to infect popular culture with its Autotuned Infectious Dance Scenes, Glee has spread to the lymph nodes of high fashion as well! The cast of Glee (well, the most conventionally attractive and whitest portion of the cast of Glee) has recently shot an editorial with world renowned fashion photographer and celebrated pervert Terry Richardson for Gentleman’s Quarterly magazine. And we’re here to help you achieve your life’s goal of looking like someone who would spend their time singing in a glee club, which apparently is the same as looking like a school girl by day, prostitute by night (and also by day)!
Nothing says high school student interested in musical theater like performing fellatio on a lollipop.
Terry Richardson really brought out the joy and innocence that is high school life from the Jewish one in this photo. That lollipop is the equivalent of Proust’s madeleine, bringing back all of the bittersweet memories of walking down the hallway to your locker wearing nothing but panties and thigh-high socks. To get this totally age appropriate look, we say go big or go home, ladies! And going big in this case means showing some underboob. Over the top cleavage is so last season! Fall 2010 is all about under the top cleavage. Playing off the sportiness of the baseball T on Lea Michele, we found this great Detroit Tigers’ half-tee that will perfectly show off your perky bounty. If you’ve got it, flaunt it! Also, if you don’t have it, please try to get it or otherwise don’t flaunt it. Dress for your body type, that’s what we always say!
For the thigh-high socks, you could go to American Apparel and get the exact same socks, but what fun is that? We love mixing high and low, vintage with designer, Forever 21 with Zara. We’re just eclectic that way! That’s why we think an even chicer option would be these used gym socks on eBay. For the non-disgusting price of just $69.69, you could get a great pair of heavily used gym socks that some woman wore and sweated in! They would make a great conversation piece at any dinner party. People will barely be able to pick up another canape while listening to you describe the fascinating provenance of the gym socks you are for some reason wearing to an adult dinner party.
Now, so as not to leave all my blond ladies out (Ladies!), here’s how to get Dianna Agron’s wholesome cheerleader look! If any lady (by lady, I mean girl) knows how to Bring It On, it’s Dianna Agron. With this fun and flirty look, you’ll have the varsity football player begging your father to let him pin you in no time.
First, you’ll need a demure plaid skirt like the one Dianna is wearing. We think this sexy one from Penney’s is perfect! Worn with grey woolen tights and sensible orthopedic shoes, this maxi skirt will send ALL the right signals to your crush while being able to camouflage any potential menses you may have to help you avoid being a YM ‘Why me?!” The plaid says playful, but the maxi length says, “Hold it right there, buster. My Church youth group comes first.”
Dianna’s chaste ivory sweater transmits that she’s willing to wait to find the perfect guy she wants to spend her life with before giving up her most precious gift and that bstinence-only education really works! This ultra chic ivory cardigan from Talbot’s gives the same message that will keep the boys at bay, while the delicate flower details will constantly remind them what they’re missing (your vagina). Top it off with a dripping pearl necklace, oozing with beads of glimmering opulence, and the only balls your football player beau will care about are his blue ones!
I hope these tips have been helpful. We know what it’s like to be desperate to re-live an idealized recreation of what high school was like via fictional tv characters dressed up for a magazine editorial. We do it every day! But with any luck, time machine and plastic surgery technology will soon allow you to go back in time with a better face and body than the disgusting one you grew up with originally so that you can have the life that you never had that for some reason you are desperately clinging to. Until then, this false-memory-tini is on us!