That’s Your Boyfriend: Carl Paladino

Carl Paladino, the Republican for governor of New York, made a speech to a group of orthodox Jews yesterday in which he said the following:

I just think my children and your children would be much better off and much more successful getting married and raising a family, and I don’t want them brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid and successful option — it isn’t.

Oh good grief. What is even HAPPENING at this point? Everyone needs to relax.2012 is almost here! We don’t have to rush it! Unless I’m just confused and this year’s election is actually about voting to see who is the Biggest Asshole. In which case: TIGHT RACE. Anyway, Carl Paladino left the hospital this morning, where he’s being treated for a debilitating case of Crypt Keeper Face, to sit with Matt Lauer on the Today Show and give one of the most convoluted and confusingly contradictory explanations for why he is not, in fact, homophobic. (HINT: it’s because no, actually, he is super homophobic.)

What on Earth? It’s just really hard to believe that you have “no problem” with homosexuals when you spend the next 10 minutes talking about a bunch of the problems you have with homosexuals. And I know it’s not professional to get into ad hominem attacks, but I’m not a professional, and dude’s face looks like a DEATH SANDWICH. He should be less focused on what Andrew Cuomo does with his daughters on the weekend, and more focused on hiring David Fisher to brush some rouge on those cold cheeks. “I promise, if you elect me to office, we will hang so many air fresheners in the governor’s office that you won’t even be able to tell that I shed this mortal coil in 2003. That’s the Paladino promise.”

Gross. Your boyfriend is gross. (Thanks for the tip, Shoogyboomz and FaceTaco.)