Look Like This: The Social Network!

[Stephen K has a lifestyle blog and co-authors a fashion advice twitter that never gets updated. In this column, he will tell you how to get the hottest looks of today.]

Classic Ivy League style has been so hot this season! Crimson red hot! Everyone from Michael Bastian to Band of Outsiders to have taken up that silver-spooned baton and run with it (in their mouths)! With reprints of the 60s Japanese Style book “Take Ivy” flying off faux-distressed mahogany hunting mantels in pre-fab mall stores across the world, it is clear that we are entering a brand new age where we are finally looking to rich white people to dictate what is fashionable.

While obviously the romanticization of pre-Civil Rights era Ivy League white men and the fetishization of their trappings depicted in sepia-toned and Kodachromed photos should be totally and utterly divorced from their glaring historical context (we just really like the clothes, ok?!), it’s clear that Americans are yearning for a time when white people were unquestionably in charge and keeping other, less stylish, people down. And no one exemplifies a powerful white man of our times keeping others down more than Mark Zuckerberg in The Movie! This former Harvard John Harvard gives a modern digital twist to those classic Ivy League looks and deserves a prominent place on your fashionispiration dream board so you can work your own variations of the look. But if you want to replicate his look exactly because you have no aspirations to any independent thoughts of your own regarding your style, we have just the thing for you! Here are some great tips so that your next status update will be, “Hey, Friends! I know you hated the way I looked before and thought I was a disgusting piece of dirt, but now I Look Like This!”

Classic Ivy League style is all about comfortable control. Casual pieces such as sweatshirts and golfing jackets are cut slim and paired with sharply tailored pants and shirts to produce a look that says, “I’m confident enough in my wealth and position in this world that I can borrow the clothing of the lower and middle classes while still keeping them underfoot.”

What’s fantastic about Mark Zuckerburg’s style is that he’s taken that same idea of comfortable control and taken it to its fabulous conclusion! He’s cut out the sartorial displays of control and let loose on the comfort as if he somehow knows that he will be exerting unfettered power over billions of people anyways and has no need to prove it through his clothing. To get this look, first you’ll need a beautiful patterned robe. We love this cashmere one from Loro Piana. A steal at $4395, the paisley pattern is a playful take on Mark’s classic plaid. It’s a look you can easily dress up by pairing it with a dressy pair of jeans. Go with a smokey eye and some painted red lips and it’s a look you can take from the bedroom to the Board Room!

Mark’s soccer-patterned pajama pants scream the quiet sophistication that only luxury can. These Rick Owens drop-crotched sweatpants convey the same “I’m so important that I don’t care if I look like I’m about to watch Spaceballs at my first sleepover” attitude for only a couple orders of magnitude more than asking your mom to go to Joann Fabrics and buy some “fun fleece” to sew you some lounge pants to wear to your Intro to the Sub-Saharan Diaspora seminar. Hope no one dips your well-manicured hand in a fabulously warm bowl of water! French Tips Fall Apart!

Another hallmark of classic Ivy League style is the loucheness with which they wore their footwear. By choosing to reject the stuffy lace-ups of their forebears and take up the utilitarian boat shoes and penny loafers of their contemporary poors and wearing them sans socks, they emphasized their freedom from having to conform to the conventions that normal people have had to conform to for centuries in order to advance in society.

Mark takes this convention and turns it on its head yet again by taking it to the extreme! The glamorous and disgusting shower shoes featured prominently in the movie are evocative of everything that makes Ivy style so great: class, subtlety, water-resistant massaging soles. The runways have been filled with statement shoes, and these things definitely make a statement, the statement being, “I Hate You!” to conventional mores of aesthetics, appropriateness, hygiene, and decency.

These Y-3 by Yohji Yamamoto sandals are the perfect way to tell people that you don’t give a hoot about breaching the basic social contract of not being terrible but with a high-fashion co-ed-shared-bathroom-ista twist! This chic multi-pocketed black and white shower caddy finishes that “I live down the hall from where I bathe” vibe with soigne aplomb.

Put all these pieces together and you have a classically chic look that would make Audrey Hepburn’s corpse hit the “Like” button repeatedly from beyond her memorialized profile page.

I hope this advice has been helpful for you in getting your very own Mark Zucerkberg style. Because, remember, you dress for the job that you want in which you use your singular will to achieve all goals no matter the costs, moral or otherwise, not the job that you have in which you do not use your singular will to achieve all goals no matter the costs, moral or otherwise. Thanks for the add!!