Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]
I’m not a huge Britney Spears fan, outside of being a rubbernecked gawkmonster on the sidelines of her fiery, gnarled public-private life, clapping slowly like the extra someone forgot to tell they were done shooting Rudy twenty-five years ago or whatever. She’s not the best at her job, but who is, am I right? HEATHER MORRIS FROM GLEE IS THE BEST AT HER JOB. And, if it takes a Britney Spears themed episode of Glee to get her in my face for more than two lines a week then sofuckingbeit. I’m
not chill. This episode was awesome!
It opens at Gleehearsal, and Kurt announces there’s a grassroots campaign on Facebook (with all of 5 members) demanding that the Gleetards scream a Britney Spears during Homecoming Pep Assembly. Schue’s concerned because he’s under the impression that Britney is a bad role model for teens (wtf? oh, right…), and plus Brittany the Perfect doesn’t want to do Britney the Famous because she’s spent her whole adolescence in that bitch’s shadow. You see Brittany the Perfect’s name is Brittany Susan Pierce, or Brittany S. Pierce, which if you watch so much Glee that your brain turns pink and your tongue becomes a tooth, that sort of sound like “Britney Spears.”
Emma, on leave from the Sanitarium for a cameo, is of a different mind than Schue about Britney as a role model (big surprise—she’s of a different mind than her own mind most of the time KILLKILLKILLKILLBUGS). Emma thinks that Brit’s really cleaned up her act in the last month and a half or some shit, and should be seen as a symbol for rebirth. Whenever someone says “Renaissance” to me, I always think of Britney Spears—bald, with a sideways wig and her vagina hanging out—riding an open clamshell onto the shores of Daytona Beach, a newborn baby hanging from each of her fingers like perch on hooks. Emma’s got a point. Oh, then we meet her new boyfriend, Carl, who we’ve heard about BUT NO ONE FUCKING TOLD US HE WAS JOHN STAMOS! Carl’s helping Emma kick her OCD, one undeserved and phobia-flicking kiss at a time, and he’s Uncle Jesse and so hot.
The two nameless Football Bullies from every couple episodes attack Finn in the hallway for being such a wuss. They take his varsity football jacket away from him and rip it in half to signify “the duality in [his] sexuality.” You and I wish, girlfriends. Coach Biest sees this from a distance and is touched, still sad from getting bullied herself last week.
Hot Uncle Jesse Carl visits Gleehearsal later to teach all the assholes about how to take care of their teef. He makes them chew tiny capsules that dye any plaque left over from brushing blue; Rachel, Brittany the Perfect and Artie have a ton, no one else has any. Turns out Brittany the Perfect never brushes her teeth, she rinses with Dr. Pepper because she thought he was a dentist.
Brittany the Perfect has to pay Hot Uncle Jesse Carl a special visit because she’s got the worst teeth he’s ever seen—a cavity in every single toof. She implores him “please don’t pull all my teeth. When I smile I’ll look like an adult baby but with boobs.” Then Hot Uncle Jesse Carl puts her under with his nitrous mask and gets to work as Brittany the Perfect hallucinates that she is Britney the Famous singing “I’m a Slave 4 U.” She fucking nails the shit out of the dance moves, DOY, and jumps from “iconic” Britney “look” to “iconic” Britney “look.” It’s fun, but remember, lots of Britney’s songs are suuuuper weird if you don’t sing them exactly like she does—like a gurgly baby who just got out of lacrosse practice? Also, please take note of how DRAG-y it feels to see someone dressed up in Britney-wear—that never wears off for the entire episode.
Finn’s super sad about not being on the football team anymore, but Rachel admits that she’s relieved—he can’t get hurt, he can’t cheat on her, plus when he’s feeling all sad, she gets to be the ONLY THING that makes him happy in his life. She REALLY better watch it! Finn gets grossed out by that, then Santana walks by and tells her she dresses like a bait girl from To Catch a Predator and Finn agrees, to make her feel bad.
Santana accompanies Brittany the Perfect to her second consecutive day of major dental surgery because she wants some of Hot Uncle Jesse Carl’s sweet, sweet drugs gas. The two hallucinate that they are Madonna and Britney the Famous screaming “Me Against the Music,” with the real Britney the Famous making a cameo at the end:
As she should be, Brittany the Perfect becomes super cocky about her perfection and talent. The next day at Gleehearsal, she proclaims “I would like to say that from now on I demand to have every solo in Glee Club. When I had my teeth cleaned I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy? I sang and danced better than her, and now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am… I’m more talented than all of you, I see that clearly now. It’s Brittany … bitch.” YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEP. Then Kurt throws a tantrum at Schue’s face being like “YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR NOT LETTING US SING BRITNEY SPEARS AT ASSEMBLY. YOU NEED TO LOOSEN THE FUCK UP.”
Schue shows up at Hot Uncle Jesse Carl’s dentist office, and Hot Uncle Jesse Carl tells him to back off Emma. And then he also tells Schue to loosen up a little bit and eat candy. Then it’s Rachel’s turn in Hot Uncle Jesse Carl’s chair, and when he gasses her with drugs she hallucinates that she’s singing “Hit Me Baby One More Time” in full Britney drag. Whoooooooooops about this number, it’s all “I didn’t fart, it’s just really windy in here.”
Then she wakes up and GIVES A BIG COOL SHOUTOUT TO THE INTERNET, WHATWHAT in the form of a meme: “is this real life.” GET IT? RACHELAFTERDENTIST.COM!
Rachel shows up for school the next day, still in Britney drag, and Finn doesn’t like all the attention she’s getting: “they’re personifying you!” <3 Jacob Ben-Israel is back to remind everyone that Jews are icky—he offers Finn money and real estate for a chance to own Rachel, and then he says “wank-y, wank-y,” which, like, come on. Also c’mon: Schue’s decided to really cut loose and buys himself a yellow Corvette convertible, which happens to be the car that Hot Uncle Jesse Carl drives.
Jacob Ben-Israel gets caught jerking off naked in the school library, thinking about Rachel dressed as Britney, LITERALLY. It makes Sue so mad, and she assaults Schue with some pretty hilarious words about how outta control his Gleetards are for Britney: “You’re flailing, William. I’m secretly hoping it’s a midlife crisis, which means you’re halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.”
Then it’s Artie’s turn to get high with Hot Uncle Jesse Carl, and he imaginations himself screaming “Stronger” by Britney, all dressed up in football gear.
Artie asks Finn for help getting onto the football team again, and Finn says no again, because he needs to focus on getting himself back on the football team. Then Coach Biest walks in and tells them both they can be on the team—all of a sudden she doesn’t give a fuck. This upsets Rachel because she thinks the only way their relationship can work is if they’re both sad losers, and she tells him to choose between her and football. JESUS, why are they making her be such a bitch?!
Schue is ssssoooooo loooooooooose, so he finally agrees to let the Gleetards sing Britney at assembly. But, there’s one PERFECT catch, and that’s that Schue’s gonna perform WITH THEM, lololol. Then Schue and the Gleetards do a very Fosse interpretation number of “Toxic” in front of the whole school, and it whips all the horny freaks in the audience into a major riot.
This was the best. But, Sue disagrees, and is really upset by the carnage it caused. Schue’s like “relax,” and she outdoes herself by saying “you know, William, that’s what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone’s bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Ladybird Johnson’s tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming ‘sex party’ into the microphones of all 3 major networks… You wear more vests than the cast of Blossom.” PERFECTION.
Emma tells Schue that he needs to loosen up and relax in a way that’s not so spazzy, drawing her mental health idol Britney Spears into the convo for extra backup/truth: “she can’t just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the world—she’s gotta reign it in.” Actually, I respectfully disagree. If ANYONE can just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the world, it’s Britney, bitch.
Then Rachel asks Quinn to act like she wants to get back together with Finn, as a test, and he tells Quinn he’s taken. This makes Rachel happy, so, logically, she screams and cries along to “The Only Exception” by Paramore.
Good job Glee! Now think of a million more excuses to have Brittany the Perfect star in her own episodes, and don’t let me down!