Oh Shoot, So We Have To Watch The Event Now?

Uh, did you guys watch the premiere of The Event last night? It’s a new NBC show that’s been hyped up as the new Lost. I’m not sure where the comparisons come from. The only things they even have in common are AIRPLANE CRASHES and TROPICAL ISLANDS and IMPOSSIBLE MYSTERIES. Just kidding. I get where the comparisons come from. I will say that the first episode of The Event was no the first episode of Lost. Remember the first episode of Lost? VERY GOOD FIRST EPISODE. That being said, The Event is pretty good so far! Unfortunately. I feel like there is enough going on in the world that we don’t need another TV show to feel compulsive about, and yet here we are. The beginning was silly, like, when that guy was trying to ram an airplane with his Jeep Cherokee? LOL. He is a bad actor! No offense if his mom is reading this, but your son is bad at his job. At one point, this dude (Federal agent? Who knows) is trying to ram an airplane with his Jeep Cherokee and he actually says “bring it on” or something like “bring it on,” TO THE AIRPLANE. If I were in charge of the federal agents I would definitely put that guy on some forced R&R to get his head on straight. “I’ll need your gun and your badge and your impulse to shout boring action cliches at airplanes.” But by the end of the episode I got that sinking feeling that was just like “oh great, oh no, now I have to actually watch this.”

Basically, the show follows a couple of storylines.

There’s this internment camp in Alaska with 90-something “prisoners” in it. The President (the black President born in Cuba, LOL) finds out about it somehow, and everyone wants to know how he found out about it, but the point is that he did find out about it, and now he wants to close the camp and bring all of the people there to America. Well, you know, Not Alaska America. Everyone is like “you can’t bring them here,” because there is something wrong with those Esthers. But the President insists, and he is the President, so there you go. He brings their leader, who is basically Poor Man’s Julianne Moore, to, what, Florida? You know how the President is always holding Brunch Press Conferences in Florida. But right when they are about to make the announcement to the world that there is a mysterious secret internment camp in Alaska filled with people who are, I don’t know, aliens? X-Men? (We don’t know! Welcome to Mystery Town!) the President is emergency evacuated because there is an airplane headed straight for them. Incidentally, I never realized the Secret Service was SO BAD at evacuating presidents. Like, they shove him into a limousine and don’t even close the door, much less drive him away. He just sits in the limousine staring at the airplane heading straight for him. Whoops, that’s your Secret Service.

Meanwhile, this dude is on vacation with his girlfriend of five years in the Caribbean. On a cruise? In a suite? Do people in their 20s really go on cruises? I thought that was just for old fatsos. Anyway, he is going to propose to her for sure. I mean, it’s very subtle how many times he pulls the engagement ring out of his pocket and looks at it in its little jewel case. Almost too subtle. But he’s definitely going to do it when the moment is right. But he is interrupted by screaming for help, and he dives into the ocean and saves a beautiful woman whose boyfriend can’t save her because his arm is in a cast. But now the four of them are best friends. Yay! New friends! Except the new friends are kind of weird. Guys, I don’t know what it is about our new friends, but there is just something about them. That night the girlfriend is too drunk, and the next day she is “sick” and stays on the ship while the boyfriend goes snorkeling with the hot stuff he saved from the ocean. Really? You’re going to propose to your girlfriend as soon as you get back from snorkeling with a bombshell? Fair enough. TEMPTATION ISLAND SEASON DIMES. But when he comes back to the ship, his key doesn’t work, and someone else is in his room, and they have no record of him in their database, and his girlfriend has disappeared. UH OH. Welcome to another mystery!

Meanwhile, the girlfriend’s dad calls her while she is on the beach having drinks with our new pals, but she can’t talk because it’s too noisy and she will talk to him later. He hangs up. Why is his face so sweaty? I’m sure it’s nothing. Oh wait. His other daughter gets abducted and a masked man shoots his wife to death. YIKES. And now it turns out that the girlfriend’s dad is the one FLYING THE AIRPLANE INTO THE PRESIDENT’S FACE! Uh oh. And the boyfriend (this is a few days later, I guess) is also on the plane (!) and he has a gun and he is trying to get into the cockpit and stop his future father-in-law from, you know, flying an airplane into the President of the United States. But an Air Marshall tries to stop the boyfriend. Oh no! The boyfriend looks crazy but the boyfriend’s not the one who’s crazy! I don’t think? I don’t know! And now they’re locked out of the cockpit. And the dad shoots the co-pilot. One mystery for sure: how did some old dad know how to fly a plane? NO TIME TO THINK. The plane is definitely about to hit the President and also the leader of the Alaskan refugee camp of goblins. Brunch is totally ruined. “Whatever they promised you, they’re lying,” the boyfriend says. “I want to find her too,” he says. Dad don’t care. (Just to clarify: the dad allowed people to abduct/kill his 7-year-old daughter, shoot his wife in front of him, seems complicit in the disappearance of his other daughter, and is about to fly an airplane into the President, and won’t stop sweating, so something’s definitely going on with him for sure.)

And then THE SKY OPENS UP WITH A MAGICAL HOLE AND THE FUCKING AIRPLANE DISAPPEARS. Oh man. The leader of the Mystery Monsters tells the President “they saved us.” He is like, “uh.” And he is like “who saved us?” And she is like “Mr. President, there are some things I haven’t told you.” I BET THERE ARE.

So, that’s sort of where we’re at. The show’s production values are kind of shitty and there are, as mentioned, a couple of Federal Agents who need to attend a night class in acting at the Learning Annex. But pretty good! Where did that plane go? Who are these creeps? Unknown answers to other mysteries? Fuck! We’re stuck now!