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BREAKING: Jeremy Piven Dropped His Phone In The Toilet At A Sushi Restaurant

THIS JUST IN! BREAKING NEWS! ACTOR JEREMY PIVEN (Car 54, Where Are You?, The Family Man) DROPPED HIS PHONE IN THE TOILET AT A SUSHI RESTAURANT OVER THE WEEKEND. WE REPEAT: JEREMY PIVEN (Don King: Only In America, Keeping Up With The Steins) DROPPED HIS PHONE IN THE TOILET AT A SUSHI RESTAURANT. From the HuffingtonPost:

[Jeremy Piven (Scary Movie 3, Rugrats)] dropped his phone into the toilet at Sunda restaurant in Chicago Saturday night, the New York Post reports. He summoned the staff to fish the phone out for him and pack it in rice to dry it out.

Uh. Even as an anonymous civilian living a meaningless life without any mansions or restraining orders against stalkerazzi who can go about his business without anyone paying attention and who could drop dead at any second and no one would even care because he never appeared on a sitcom even once, if I dropped my cellphone into the toilet I wouldn’t SUMMON THE STAFF. Because that is embarrassing. That is why. Because it is embarrassing to point at a toilet and tell someone you dropped your phone in it. Not even getting into the fact that asking another human being to put their hand into a toilet to retrieve YOUR phone that YOU dropped because you feel that you are above picking it up but you feel that they are not above picking it up is disgusting and offensive and makes you human garbage. What a stupid asshole. Pack him in rice to dry out. (Follow him on Twitter!)

That being said, nothing has given me more pleasure today than the headline “Jeremy Piven Drops His Phone In Toilet At Sushi Restaurant.” So I hope the judge takes that into account at sentencing.