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True Blood S03E02: Wait, They Are NAZI Werewolves? Oh Hell.

Last week, in the comments, someone pointed out the part where Jessica uses her Blackberry to look up ANCIENT NAZI WEREWOLF RUNES, or whatever, on her ANCIENT NAZI WEREWOLF RUNES APP. That, like almost everything on this show, was so ridiculous. I only mention it now to illustrate a point, which is that there is so much stupid on this show, some of it is going to fall through the stupid cracks. So please accept my apology in advance if I miss something in these recaps. I am only one man! One adult man. Feeling very alone in a world of adults who seem to think this show is acceptable. ANYHOW, this week’s episode opens with Vampire Bill fucking up some werewolves in the woods. You know, television show stuff. Suddenly, a man in polo gear (not to be confused with Polo gear) rides up on a horse and tells the werewolves to relax. At which point, Bill turns to him and starts calling him “your majesty.” Oh good, a new character, and a king at that. You can say what you will about this show, but you could never argue that it doesn’t not have too many characters, each more ridiculous than the last. It turns out the king was the one who hired (commanded? Am I seriously going to spend even three seconds of my life trying to remember whether this Vampire King of Mississippi employs or commands werewolves?) the werewolves to kidnap Bill. “Your majesty, you had me ABDUCTED…by WEREWOLVES?!” Bill says, incredulous. Make that two of us who are incredulous! That was a line of dialog on a TV show for adults in the year 2010! “Your majesty, you had me ABDUCTED…by WEREWOLVES?!” Unbelievable.

Meanwhile, Tara tried to commit suicide and Lafayette, the fool, stopped her. God damn it, Lafayette! We were so close! Tara is seriously the black Kate no joke. “Shoot her, please!” is a sentence equally applicable to both. Lafayette tells her to fucking grow up and realize that life is hard for everyone, which is actually pretty solid advice, but I still wish he would have just let her take those pills. Just because life is so hard it’s painful (TWSS) doesn’t mean watching this show has to be. It is small comfort, but at least in the Sideways Universe in Bizarro Bon Temps, we know that Tara is dead.

Sookie sees a werewolf in the woods. Sookie goes to Vampire Eric (I can already tell that even just typing the sentences required to DESCRIBE what happens on this show is going to drain the very life from my body, or at the very least, my dignity as a grown up) and asks him for help in finding Bill. Eric makes Jessica wait in the bathroom.

He takes a trip down memory lane to World War II when he and Godric (Godric!) were posing as Nazi officers (uh….) to find out who controlled the Nazi Werewolves. OH BROTHER. Also, shame on them for bringing Godric back. I actually liked Godric. I mean, for whatever that is worth. We are still talking about True Blood. But the actor was compelling, or whatever. But if you’re going to kill off a character, KILL OFF THE CHARACTER. Bringing them back the next season in flashbacks is just such a lazy attempt to appeal to viewers. BE A MAN, TRUE BLOOD. Take Lafayette’s advice. Life is hard. Grow up and deal with it.

Seriously, though, why were Vampire Eric and Godric posing as the SS? “We would do anything it took to find out who the werewolves were working for.” Sure. Although, aren’t you immortal beings with the strength of a hundred men who live their undead lives under the shadowy cover of eternal night? Something tells me with your magical powers and a LITTLE IMAGINATION, you could have DONE WITHOUT THE SS UNIFORMS.

Meanwhile, his majesty has had Bill ABDUCTED…by…WEREWOLVES! Now Bill is locked in some guest room on a plantation. The king of Mississippi just wants to talk to him over a dinner of blood bisque (ugh) and BLOOD GELATO (Tara, where are those pills?). It has something to do with the King of Mississippi (sure) wanting to marry (marry?) the Queen of Louisiana (fuck me), and needing Bill’s help to do so. What on Earth? I honestly don’t understand what is going on in these scenes. Excuse me for not understanding the back-room machinations of VAMPIRE POLITICS. Eventually, though, Lorena shows up, and Bill throws an oil lamp in her face! In slow motion she catches on fire and falls into the hallway and they…just…cut to the next scene? Oh OK. I’ve never been to a Vampire Dinner Party at a Vampire King’s House, so maybe the part where a Vampire Woman in Riding Slacks gets set on FIRE with a hurled oil lamp is just part of it.

Sam finds his family. Who fucking cares. He and his brother take off their pants and become dogs and go running in the woods. That is a straight-forward sentence describing something that happened on a TV show with no jokes in it whatsoever.

They should have just shot Sam when they had the chance.

As a rule, everyone on this show should be shot if anyone ever gets the opportunity to shoot them. I just want to get on my walkie-talkie every time. “Take the shot!”

Jason Stackhouse gets drunk with Andy Bellefleur and then catches a meth head. I don’t know. How many people am I supposed to keep track of? Arlene is pregnant. Jessica rents a chainsaw to cut up a dead body. Hoyt. The guy at the crazy person’s home that Lafayette has a crush on now. Terry. The Sheriff. That lady from the vampire bar, Pam. Should I be taking notes? How many notebooks do I need for each episode? Should I just get a separate notebook for each character? OK, so, 400 notebooks, then? Vampire Eric comes over to Sookie’s house and asks to be invited in so that he can “protect” her. “Or we can have, like, a ton of sex,” he says. Immortality can’t buy you class, I guess.

Immortality can, however, buy you a ton of graphic tees.

The episode ends with a couple of open-ended plotlines, the open ends of which will be resolved, as always, within the first five minutes of next week’s episode. Seriously, this show is the worst about pretending like there is any sustainable dramatic tension that won’t just be written off immediately. “Bill has been abducted! Where could he be?! Oh, he is right here.” “Eric and Sookie get attacked by a werewolf! I bet they’re going to be…yup…relax, everybody, they’re completely fine.” One thing is not left unresolved, though, and that is how awful Tara is. On the question of how awful Tara is, no more waiting, we have our answer: she is the worst.

GET YOUR FEET OFF THE BAR, YOU CUNT. She meets a vampire and he is like “What are you doing?” and she is like “To be honest, trying not to kill myself.” OH PLEASE STOP TRYING! Tara, follow your heart! I hate you so much! Next week: the vampire fucks her. Nazis. Werewolves. “Cool, I will watch this again.” — adults, apparently.