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Representative Joe Barton Needs To Make Another Apology

As you probably know, BP CEO Tony Hayward is in Washington this week to make the rounds of face-saving but ultimately ineffective apologies. Yesterday, he received a private dressing down from President Barack Obama, after which BP agreed to establish a 20 billion dollar compensation fund for victims of the disaster, as well as agreeing to end dividends to BP shareholders for the rest of the year. Cool? The fact that there was ever even a consideration that BP shareholders would receive dividends makes that part of the agreement kind of feel like someone agreeing not to slap you in the face. “Oh, I didn’t realize THAT WAS EVEN ON THE TABLE.” Speaking of which, did you see that BP’s stock REBOUNDED after yesterday’s compensation agreement? Neat! Congratulations to BP shareholders. You guys are doing great.

Today, Mr. Hayward is meeting with top congressional lawmakers to do whatever it is that foreign CEOs do when they meet with top congressional lawmakers while meanwhile there is a HOLE in the OCEAN that THEY MADE.

Enter House representative Joe Barton (R-TX, OBVS) who today issued an apology. To BP. For the “shakedown.” Ay-ay-ay. “Could you repeat that?” I’d rather not, but OK: House representative Joe Barton apologized to BP for a “shakedown.” Holy shit. You never told me your boyfriend was a congressman!

Son of a fuck. I will be the first to admit that politics are complicated in a way that is beyond me (by design, but still) and I don’t know the ins-and-outs of a 20 billion dollar escrow fund compensation deal because I don’t even know what half the words in that sentence mean. I also know that at a certain point, on say, the 10 gabizillionth barrel of oil that pours like HELL LAVA into the ocean, there is no single well-heeled figurehead from any corporation or government who can make it all disappear and that excoriating Tony Hayward on C-Span doesn’t amount to a hill of oil-stained pelicans in this crazy world. At this point, who gives a shit about Tony Hayward? Or the fact that BP owned the lease on the rig. They clearly can’t seem to fix this, so let’s just find someone who can. Just kidding, no one can, but you see my point.

But to echo the words of representative Joe Barton, I don’t want to live in a country where our elected leaders FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO COMPANIES THAT ARE LITERALLY DESTROYING THE WORLD, LIKE, IN A WAY THAT IS BOTH VISIBLE AND MEASURABLE FOR AGREEING TWO MONTHS AFTER THE FACT THAT THEY SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOMETHING TO CLEAN UP THEIR IMPOSSIBLE MESS. Are you fucking kidding me? I apologize in advance for bringing down the tone of the rhetoric, but Representative Joe Barton can seriously go suck a dick. (Thanks for the tip, Nicole.)