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The 2010 MTV Movie Awards

Holy shit. I know that I am now well-past the age of the intended audience for the MTV Movie Awards, but I have to say that last night’s event was scary and confusing and made me feel like a crazy person abandoned on an alien planet. And to be completely honest, I’m not convinced that people who WERE in the intended audience for that thing didn’t feel equally miserable and disoriented. WHAT WAS THAT? Seriously, I have not seen something on television that felt as lazily thrown together and as disinterested in being something anyone would actually want to watch since the Catwalk reunion episode. Let’s start, and practically end, with the anchoring logic of Tom Cruise reprising his Lev Grossman role from 2008’s Tropic Thunder. Wait, what? Just to clarify: Tom Cruise, an actor in his mid-60s, did a mildly anti-Semitic portrayal of a BUSINESSMAN, which people might recognize from a movie that came out TWO YEARS AGO, at an awards show for TEENAGERS? Ay-ay-ay, my head just fell off and rolled under the Bentley that “The Situation” and “Vinny” pulled up in. What a load of garbage! Even the people who are suppose to want this don’t want that. “Dude, it’s going to be awesome. We’re also going to have Jennifer Lopez, mother of two, perform a song from, oh, I don’t remember, 1999?” If you look up “mind-boggling” in the dictionary there’s a picture of the 2010 MTV Movie Awards, and you can just barely make out my eyeball, rolling on the red carpet, after it popped out of my skull, which was crushed under the wheel of that aforementioned Bentley.

Of course, the point of the MTV Movie Awards is not to entertain people, which is good, because it doesn’t. The point of the MTV Movie Awards is to be a two-hour long advertisement for other movies. This is so pervasive and insistent that even if the movie has come out already, you must pretend that it has not, and advertise it. So when the cast of Get Him to the Greek presents an award, Diddy will actually say on national television: “if you didn’t see Get Him to the Greek this weekend, go see it.” Cool! Good ad! Jaden Smith will be everywhere. Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell will noisily and confusingly hang from the ceiling as an obtuse reminder that they are going to be in a buddy-cop comedy together this summer. Although there were two startling and wonderful uses of advertising last night that stood above the rest. The first was when, after Ken Jeong accepted the award for “Best WTF? Moment” (because remember, this is an awards show with REAL AWARDS) for having a small penis in The Hangover with a genuinely human moment in which he tearfully discussed his wife’s struggle with breast cancer, the show immediately cut to a contextual advertisement for Orbit Gum. COOOOOOOOL! CAN’T WAIT TO TRY THAT GUM!

But probably the best was when Angelina Jolie’s Salt, a movie that does not come out until July 23rd, almost two months from now, WAS NOMINATED FOR A FUCKING AWARD. What are we even doing here at this point? What is this even about?

Aziz Ansari did fine as the host. I think people who like him will continue to like him, and people who don’t like him will continue to don’t like him. It didn’t really move the needle one way or the other. I give him the most credit for introducing Russell Brand as Russell “Bland.” The video he made with Zach Galifianakis was funny, although not as funny as the fact that Zach Galifianakis couldn’t even be bothered to show up to the MTV Movie Awards in the first place.

And also there was the Human Giant reunion, which counts for something.

But even a Human Giant reunion can’t PUT MY HEAD BACK ON MY BODY. Whatever. I can still remember watching the very FIRST MTV Movie Awards on my great-grandfather’s hand-crank steam-powered television. That was over 100 years ago. This thing is so addled and exhausted and deluded with its own mis-wired memories. Maybe we should just pull the plug. For its own good.