Duh Aficionado Magazine: No One Actually Wants James Cameron’s Help Fixing The Oil Spill

Yesterday, it was reported that James Cameron, director of such films as True Lies, and Ghosts of the Abyss, had been called in to secret, closed-door, top level meetings of leading scientists to discuss alternate solutions to the gulf coast oil spill that continues to gush just crazy amounts of oil into our precious ocean. It was surprising and hilarious that this happened in the first place, but what is neither surprising nor particularly hilarious is the fact that no one actually wants the help of James Cameron, director of such TV shows as Piranha Part Two: The Spawning, and Earthship.TV. From Reuters:

Film director and deep-sea explorer James Cameron said on Wednesday that BP Plc turned down his offer to help combat the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

“Over the last few weeks I’ve watched, as we all have, with growing horror and heartache, watching what’s happening in the Gulf and thinking those morons don’t know what they’re doing,” Cameron said at the All Things Digital technology conference.

Cameron said he has offered to help the government and BP in dealing with the spill. He said he was “graciously” turned away by the British energy giant.

Wait a second. You’re telling me that a multi-national, billion dollar petroleum company responsible for the worst oil spill in American history with its own division of highly specialized, highly trained experts in the field of deep sea crisis management didn’t want the help of the dude who wrote “I’m on top of the world”? AY-AY-AY! Just kidding. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

James Cameron is a lunatic!

“I know really, really, really smart people that work typically at depths much greater than what that well is at,” Cameron said.

The BP oil spill off the U.S. Gulf Coast is located a mile below the surface.

While acknowledging that his contacts in the deep-sea industry do not drill for oil, Cameron said that they are accustomed to operating various underwater vehicles and electronic optical fiber systems.

“Most importantly,” he added, “they know the engineering that it requires to get something done at that depth.”

I love how he pretends that the word “something” is really vague and hard to define. It could be anything! As long as it’s making a 3D IMAX documentary about a sunken boat. When it comes to plugging up a hole in the floor of the ocean that is spewing out tens of thousands of gallons of oil a day with no sign of stopping, then it’s a little less clear whether or not the smart people James Cameron knows who have absolutely no experience dealing with such a situation will be able to get “something” done at that depth, but, if push comes to shove, they almost certainly could plop a fake jeweled necklace in there and make one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.