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Gossip Girl S03E19: The Relationship That Must Not Be Named

Oh, good morning. Jenny comes out into the kitchen wearing nothing but a man’s oxford shirt. Nate offers to make pancakes. WHAT IS THIS? I guess Jenny just slept over. At Chuck’s penthouse apartment. You know, my favorite thing about this show I remembered last night is that these people all graduated from high school LESS THAN ONE YEAR AGO. Do you remember where you were 9 months after graduating from high school? Let me remind you: you had just finished up your affair with a congressman, and were happily living in the hotel that you had rescued from the clutches of your long-dead mother after giving up your momentary dalliance in dealing drugs to the children of foreign dignitaries. But enough reminiscing, you’re going to be late to the party being thrown in someone’s honor or maybe it is for charity but everyone is definitely going to be there, including your parents. Especially your parents.

WHAT IS THIS SHOW?! Anyway, Nate leaves because Serena texted him, and Jenny is like, “pout,” and Chuck comes home drunk with some girls and tells Jenny how to trick Nate and Serena into breaking up so that she can have Nate to herself, because Chuck wants his friend back. Good friend! So Jenny takes the oxford shirt to make Serena jealous and I’m already exhausted. How far are we into this episode? Three minutes? Perfect.

Serena is in a limousine with Lily, and they are making jokes about love triangles. Suddenly, the limousine is blindsided by a dump truck and bursts into flames. The limousine spins in wild circles, and yet the circles are circumscribed and keep the vehicle just in front of the dump truck’s massive bumper, and the driver of the truck doesn’t bat an eye as he pushes the wreckage further and further, picking up speed as they rush towards the river. The dump truck driver cackles wildly as he drives the battered and broken limousine filled with smoke and the screams of Serena and Lily Van Der Woodsen Bass Humphrey into the river, plunging everyone into the murky depths. As they sink, Serena and Lily make one final joke to the effect of “how are we going to explain THIS ONE to Rufus,” as the weight of the dump truck settles on top of the limousine, collapsing the roof, and rendering everyone inside to a thick paste.

Blair has tried to organize some kind of suitors event at her mom’s house where she lives alone and also some times Serena lives I guess (and meanwhile Dan is just living constantly in the Brooklyn apartment which it turns out they clearly could have sold to pay for his Yale tuition and what is even the value of New York real estate in this make-believe world since everyone has at least three spare apartments depending on who needs to secretly fuck who or petulantly take a break from what marriage) but no one shows up and Blair knows that Chuck has put out a fatwa on her love life. Right. Definitely a good use of the word fatwa. If you go to the Merriam Webster website, “a legal opinion or decree handed down by an Islamic religious leader” has a strikethrough, and has been replaced by “the thing Chuck does to Blair’s lovelife after they break up because of the thing with Jack.”

Gooooood faces!

Dan didn’t get into his creative writing program. But Vanessa did get into his creative writing program. Something happens, I think, but no one cares about Dan and Vanessa. Although, this girl is definitely your girlfriend:

And the Gossip Girl Bushwick party is definitely your party.

Blair is also at the Buswhick party (no she’s not) and meets a guy who offers to help make Chuck jealous, because he is also at the Bushwick party (no he’s not), but Blair realizes that the only way she’s going to move forward is to believe in herself. It is a rare moment of emotional maturity for a character on this show. Next week: Blair manipulates one of her best friends into doing something to the detriment of her own family because handbags. Chuck is like: “acting sad face.”

Oh, I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned it yet: LILY HAS CANCER! And was married to Alec Baldwin’s Portrait of Dorian Gray!

Her big secret is that she has been going to Palm Springs to be treated by Billy Baldwin, her ex-husband and longtime romantic rival to her current husband, for her unnamed “cancer.” Sure. I mean, it just makes sense. A billionaire Manhattan socialite would definitely travel halfway across the country on a regular basis to the possible destruction of her marriage to get medical treatment from the ex-husband who fathered her children, because as we all know, there is absolutely no decent medical treatment available in New York City and especially not if you have so much money. She would have loved to have stayed with her family and not lied to her husband and gotten medical treatment within a taxi-ride of her favorite brunch spot, but it simply wasn’t realistic. Palm Springs, here Lily comes!

Fucking nonsense.

Of course, Billy Baldwin is evil. Of course. He is going to increase Lily’s medications to win her back because if there is one thing that brings families together, it is fake cancer and high doses of WHAT ON EARTH? Suddenly, a dump truck blindsides Billy Baldwin…

My favorite part of the whole episode, though, was the Serena-Nate-Jenny love triangle, because, um, aren’t Serena and Jenny stepsisters now? Yes. Serena and Jenny are stepsisters. So, sure, Jenny tries to make Serena jealous, and Nate is getting frustrated with Serena’s secrets, and Serena is angry at everyone because she is a selfish cunt whose selfish cuntiness has the weight of a collapsed sun, it is a blackhole of selfish cuntiness, but at any point the whole issue could have been put to rest by any of the three of them pointing out that Serena and Jenny are stepsisters. “Hey, we live in the same house and share parents now,” either of them could have said. Or, “Hey, you live in the same house and share parents now,” Nate could have said. The end. Because gross.

Next week: WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER DUMP TRUCK OR AT LEAST A FLEET OF THEM.