The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: Down To You

People’s first loves are important. It’s an exciting and memorable time in a young person’s life as they experience new emotions for the very first time and enter into a purely adult relationship with another human being. People’s first loves are also FUCKING BORING. No one cares about your first love! Let me put it this way: it is boring and painful to hear someone talk about their first love when they are someone that you know really well and care about and in whom you have a genuine emotional stake in their happiness. So you can only imagine how boring and painful it is to watch a make-believe first love between two badly drawn fictional characters. HINT: very boring and very painful.

Down to You is basically the (500) Days of Summer of 2000. Which is an apt comparison. Because you know what else was terrible? (500) DAYS OF SUMMER!

Down To You is about two 19-year-olds in a boring, shitty relationship. The end.

Seriously, that is what this movie is about. It claims to be about “first love,” but really it’s just about two white kids in college who meet each other in the student lounge, start having sex in a dorm room, eventually break up, and eventually–YEAH, RIGHT–get back together. I guess they have some adventures along the way? I know that they get into a HILARIOUS drunk driving accident.

HAHAHHAHA. Sometimes in a relationship the funniest things can set you off! Oh, and don’t forget about the pregnancy test. Classic. LOL FIRST LOVE! But mostly it is just them in a dorm room. COOL MOVIE.

This is the opening scene of the movie:

Woof. You know how it is when you go to a coffee shop and can’t help but smile at all the couples in love because it reminds you of how you were in love in college one time? Also, if you could see the baggy-crotched dockers and wrinkled button downs that Freddie Prinze Jr. wears throughout this movie, he should not be talking about anyone’s shoes. And it is all downhill from there. Here is when Freddie Prinze Jr. and Julia Stiles first meet. This is literally the SECOND scene of the movie:

Yikes! What magnetic chemistry! I was worried while watching this last night that my TV would MELT from the HEAT (SARCASM). I’m not sure if I have ever seen two people in a movie together who looked less comfortable with each other. I guess there was the rape scene in Irreversible. But even then, only ONE OF THE PEOPLE seemed miserable. I will give this movie some credit, though, it was a pretty realistic depiction of a college romance between two 19-year-olds. Which is to say that it was awkward, and boring, and the timing was all off, and no one seemed to know what they were doing, and you never really understood why they liked each other, and when they broke up you were kind of glad.

Also, is there a less interesting age than 19? I was actually just talking to someone about Gossip Girl last week and why I am basically definitely for sure going to stop watching after this season: because the reason I started watching in the first place was because it was a show about high school students. That is interesting and relatable in a way. But I don’t actually care what happens to them after they graduate. Who wants to watch a show about a bunch of rich 19-year-olds who don’t work or go to school? What? And this movie is the same: I don’t care about your college relationship. Because I know what is going to happen at the end.

Of course, in the movie version they get back together, which is somehow even lamer? Like, it would be lame to make a movie about a college relationship that inevitably ends, but at least it would be REAL. Now what are we even talking about? A fairy tale? WELL THEN PLEASE WAKE ME UP, I DON’T WANT TO DIE IN HERE. Speaking of dying, at one point Freddie Prinze Jr. tries to kill himself because he misses Julia Stiles so much by DRINKING SHAMPOO.

Down to You is filled with these kinds of nonsense plot devices and details. Like, two of Freddie Prinze Jr.’s college friends are porn stars? Right. COLLEGE! One of them is so good at being a porn star that he becomes really rich and famous? YES. It just seems like if you are going to try and make a movie about young first love, at the very least, make it about young first love ON PLANET EARTH. And if you are going to put a cotton candy machine in the background, FILL IT WITH COTTON CANDY.

The movie wants to be quirky and fun and fantastical, with the narrative soliloquies being one example, but how quirky and fun and fantastical is it REALLY for Freddie Prinze Jr. to imagine himself on an episode of The Man Show?

And what is THIS SHIT?

But even when it is not trying to be clever, and is just sticking to the most rudimentary of romantic cliches, even then it makes no sense. Take for example this classic moment:

Wow? Wow what? I know you are not saying wow about her JC Penny outfit. I know you are not saying wow because of her resemblance to a 47-year-old lesbian heading down to city hall to take part in the public city planning committee meeting to determine whether or not a Whole Foods will be approved for a land grant and zoning clearances. WOW.

Even the faces in this movie make no sense.

Now, in case you were wondering from what the movie takes its title, it is from this:

And to answer your follow up question, no, I have no idea what that is. It’s a book? That she made him? About their relationship? But she might have just painted a cover to a fake book and left all the pages blank? I don’t know why it’s called Down to You other than that the movie is called Down to You? Forget it, Jake, it’s GARBAGE TOWN.

The most surprising thing about Down to You is the all-star supporting cast. No joke. Look at these guys. Never forget these guys.

Rosario Dawson:

Selma Blair:

Zak Orth:

and a very young (too young?) Ashton Kutcher:

You all are responsible for this, actors, no matter how much you think people don’t remember. WE REMEMBER NOW!

To summarize, if I had to put into words how bad Down to You is, I would say “it is this bad.”

Next week: Chasing Amy. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.