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Gossip Girl S03E15: America Almost Raped Jenny Humphrey

It used to be that the dramatic tensions of this show were constantly shifting as people changed alliances, changed sleeping partners, or changed boroughs, but everyone seems to be treading water at this point. For one thing, the Sex Intentions of the show are not as highly charged as the show would like to have you believe. Dan and Vanessa? Really? I mean, sure, I don’t care, they can fuck each other off a plane (huh?), I don’t care. But it’s not like impressive. This show seems to think it is exciting to finally get those two together. Uh, no. Not unless you are getting them together into a prison cell with a bunk bed. And Nate and Serena? I feel like their sex life is just a lot of going to the doctor. “We should probably get this checked out.” They both are so riddled with disease it’s crazy. At least in the past there was a revolving sex door that led back onto school campus. Now that everyone is graduated and yet unemployed and not even really in college (Blair seems to be majoring in “sofa studies” this semester, she is always lying around on Chuck’s sofa) it is just boring. Then there is Rufus and Lily, whose storyline is already dull and drawn out, but in last night’s episode seemed to reach a conclusion of sorts only to go right back to where it started? The only person who is even active in this season at all is Chuck Bass, because Chuck Bass is the best, but also Chuck Bass is even kind of the worst at this point. “OH NO, I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE HOTEL THAT CHUCK BASS BOUGHT FOR SOME REASON THREE EPISODES AGO, HOW OLD IS HE?” Did you know that Gossip Girl has already been picked up for a fourth season? I feel like CW is falling for that prank where it holds its hand up to its face to see if it has AIDS.

Anyway, so Jenny is going to lose her virginity. Greaaaaaaaaat.

She has been cutting class all week to go visit her boyfriend, the drug-dealing Keebler Elf. He’s staying in a hotel that he probably payed for with El Fudge DRUG MONEY. Jenny is supposed to be grounded and staying with Rufus in Brooklyn, where he has run away from his marital troubles, because the key to good parenting is setting a terrible example and constantly keeping your children guessing (where you live). Jenny pretends like she is following his rules, but as soon as she leaves the house, she LETS HER HAIR DOWN.

Haha, what? I mean, honestly, Jenny has looked like a 14-year-old heroin addict who lives in the Boxcar Children’s leggings factory for the past three years. I just don’t think that it matters whether she has her bleached-raw hair up or down, she still looks like a Russian mail-order bride determined to become the second richest woman in all of New Jersey. Anyway, she lets her hair down. UH OH, JENNY IS OUT OF CONTROL! (Later in the episode, Rufus says to Lily, “I just hope that under that mop of blonde hair she’s still my little girl.” What is it with Jenny’s hair this week? Did I miss something? She has always looked like a radiation victim who got kicked out of a laundromat for dressing herself out of mismatched dirty hampers.)

Keebler is trying to GET IT WET, but he can’t because Jenny keeps going to class. He is like “why is it that every time I am about to get it wet, you claim you have to go to so-called class?” Uh, she is 16 years old, bro. She literally has to go to class. The way that children do. Because they are in school. Because their brains are unformed. But then Keebler actually lays it out on the line pretty honest-style. He is like “look, if you don’t want to let me get it wet, that is fine, but just tell me what is going on, because in my relationships I definitely do get it wet for sure.” And Jenny is like “oh, no, I’m sorry if you got the wrong idea about me bro, I definitely am a slut and I bang allllll the time, it’s just that I have this stupid school for nerds, ugh, don’t you hate school? There should be a school for banging where what you learn is how much you looove to bang. But so, yeah. That’s all it is LOL.” She is a child in real life as well as on this show, so the whole scene is just super fun to watch and not creepy and uncomfortable and rapey at all. Keebler is like “look, why don’t you sneak out of your house tonight and come down here and we will bang, wouldn’t that be awesome? No rush.” Groooosssss. Just to make sure you understand how gross this whole thing is, when he says “no rush” he is not talking about rushing into sex, because that wouldn’t even make sense, since he is definitely trying to rush the sex, he is talking about the sex itself. “We will just have sex so slow you will barely even know we are moving,” basically. And Jenny is like, “Yup!” And I’m like, “Yuck!”

That night there is a Historical Society event to honor Bart Bass for his history, or something, it’s getting increasingly difficult to keep track of all the different interests groups throwing the different parties that everyone is constantly throwing. Everyone is there, no duh. Just to get this out of the way: Rufus and Lily make up. The end. I mean, seriously, it is 2010 and we are all adults and/or 12-year-old girls here, so let’s free up some valuable time in our lives by pretty much never talking about Rufus’s and Lily’s relationship ever again. Also, something super boring is going on with Dan and Vanessa? Like, they are hiding their relationship because they don’t want to blow everyone’s minds with the fact that they are dating? But it’s like, uh, you’re not blowing anyone’s mind? Because no one cares about you? Because you’re both stupid clowns? “Guys, we have a pretty big announcement to make?” “Did someone scam you out of your fortune?” “No.” “Did your dead mother come back from beyond the grave?” “No.” “Are either of you keeping a secret that could destroy your marriage?” “No.” “Are either of you dealing drugs to the French Ambassador’s daughter and losing your virginity to mythical cookie elves?” “No.” Well what is it then?” “We’re dating.” “Sweetheart, get me a bottle of Voss and my golden locket of poison.”

Goooooood face!

Nate and Serena create this elaborate scheme to save Jenny from Keebler that involves Serena inviting Keebler to lunch and then having him try to rape her and then having Nate and Jenny walk in on them? It is basically the next installment of Ocean’s 11. Just so ingenious and for sure going to work. But Keebler refuses to rape Serena (although he does eat all of his lunch), and it wouldn’t have mattered anyway (yikes) because Nate called Rufus. Oh, Jenny is so mad.

Now Jenny is DOUBLE grounded. But Rufus brings her to the aforementioned party. And Keebler shows up. And immediately punches Nate in the face. Uh, what? Remember when people on this show used to punch each other in the face FOR A REASON?

Seriously, it is as if the writers were like “uh oh, it has been two months since someone punched someone in the face, and we are required by law to have a facepunch in this episode, so I don’t care how you work it into the script, we don’t want to have our license revoked.” Also, Keebler is a grown man. Which means that he would almost definitely be arrested and charged with aggravated assault. Well, no time to worry about that now, he has to get back to his hotel and statutory rape Jenny.

They don’t end up going through with it. But the scene where Jenny and Keebler are about to have sex is just so gross. Like, the grossest. Taylor Momsen is 16 years old, Gossip Girl. And while I understand that teenagers have sex IRL and that you’re just exploring a story that many young women might relate to, most teenagers don’t have sex with drug dealing scions in a secret hotel room after punching Nate Archibald in the face at the Historical Society’s honoring of Bart Bass. Like, this has nothing to do with the realities of adolescent sexual awakening, and everything to do with trying to turn Taylor Momsen into the next Gossip Girl hotbod, and that is awful. Shame on you. Shame on you so hard. Anyway, Jenny has second thoughts because Keebler is treating this like no big deal (actual things he says “I’ll give you something to really thank me for,” and “Jenny, can we just talk about all this after?”) and so he gives her a Classic Rich Creep Scoff and storms out of the room without evening finishing buttoning his shirt. “I knew you were just a kid,” he says. Well, yeah. I mean, yeah. Yes. She is just a kid? I’m confused.

Jenny heads home and EVERYONE IS THERE. Perfect. You know how it is when you were almost statutory raped and everyone in your family and social circle knows that you were probably statutory raped and they are just sitting there waiting for you to walk in? It’s a rite of passage everyone goes through, probably.

Jenny excuses herself with her typical shittiness (she is shitty. In our rush to defend the honor of young women, let us not also forget that Jenny Humphrey is the worst) to listen to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack on her Zune (don’t ask). Serena enters her room without knocking (classy lady of society) and Jenny lies to her and says that she did in fact get statutory raped by Keebler. Cool. Jenny is just a really wonderful young woman who it is so exciting to watch grow up.

Meanwhile, Jack Bass is back and Chuck and his mom and the hotel and something. Some of the housekeeping staff are suing him for sexual harassment. He tries to fight it, but his lawyer tells him that he is definitely going to have to sign his hotel over to someone. And so he does a DNA test of his mom after plying her, once again, with alcohol? Just to be clear, this is still ostensibly a show about high school children for high school children, right? Perfect. Anyway, of course his mom is in league with Jack Bass and now he has been swindled out of his hotel, because if there is one thing that I am sure of it is that he definitely would just sign over everything he owns to someone. And another thing that I am sure of is that his long lost mother would definitely exploit a reunion with her child to steal a hotel? A hotel?! Like, a business that she is going to have to stay in the city and manage? Something tells me she didn’t think this one through. Something tells me no one involved with this show in any way thought anything through.

Next Week: “if Jack Bass wants a war, he’s got one” — typical 19-year-old stuff.