An Open Letter To OMG Cat

Dear OMG Cat,

Congratulations. I can only imagine how exciting it is to be the Cat of the Day. Very? I bet very. In fact, I would argue that you are the Animal of the Day. So double congratulations on your success. I’m going to keep this letter brief, because I don’t want to take up too much time when I’m sure you’d probably rather be out celebrating than reading open letters on the Internet. I just wanted to remind you to enjoy it. I know that you’re probably thinking, “Shut up, old man, of course I am enjoying it, why don’t you crawl back into your wheelchair and die.” What a rude thing of you to say! But I understand you reluctance to hear me out. I was once young, OMG Cat. I know the full flush of youthful arrogance and undirected outrage. I’m just saying enjoy it. You won’t be around forever. Think of Dramatic Chipmunk. Where’s he today? I will tell you where he is: Chipmunk Heaven. Dead. From cocaine.

But for today, let’s enjoy your triumph together. You earned it.

OMG, indeed, OMG Cat, OMG indeed.

Tree Horse

(Animal of the Day, Sept. 23, 1999.)