Videogum

Overboard 2.0, Or: “Oh No, Someone Has Fallen Off The Hover-Zune!”

Hollywood is a soft, gray place. A swamp. And lo be unto the person who tries to carry an idea into that swamp. Do you remember in The Neverending Story, when Artax dies in the Swamp of Sadness? It’s like that, only instead of beautiful, wonderful horses who would be your best friend for sure and that you would brush every day if they were yours dying, it is originality and thoughtfulness that dies there. My point is, they are remaking Overboard. From the Hollywood Reporter:

Jennifer Lopez is in talks to star in the remake of the romantic comedy “Overboard,” which Overbrook is producing for Columbia.

The 1987 movie, which starred Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn and was directed by Garry Marshall, centered on a snooty, spoiled woman who falls off her yacht and is taken to the hospital by a local, morally challenged carpenter. When she wakes up with amnesia, he convinces her she is his wife, thereby getting a free housekeeper for his four boys.

Right. No, definitely. Good thinking, guys. The problem is, just as one does not simply drive into Mordor, one does not simply remake Overboard with Jennifer Lopez. You’ve got to jazz it up! You know, 4 tha kidz! Here are a couple of suggestions (relax Hollywood, they’re not “ideas”):

  • A snooty, spoiled hover-woman falls off her hover-yacht and is taken to the hover-hospital by a local, morally challenged hover-carpenter. When she wakes up with hover-amnesia, he convinces her she is his hover-wife, thereby getting a free hover-housekeeper for his four hover-boys.
  • A snooty, spoiled alien falls off her spaceship and is taken to the secret government substation by a local, morally challenged Zune Repairman. When the alien wakes up with amnesia, he convinces it that it is his wife, thereby getting a free alien-housekeeper for his four Pandoran Prawns.
  • A snooty, spoiled barista falls off her Starbucks and is taken to the hospital by a local, morally challenged Tony Hawk. When she wakes up with space cancer, he convinces her she is a robot, thereby getting a free robot with space cancer for his four homeboys who must SKATE OR DIE.
  • A snooty, spoiled Heelies™ inventor falls off her Burton™ snowboard and is taken to the Apple™ store Genius Bar™ by a local, morally challenged Pepperoni Hot Pockets™ distributor. When she wakes up with an X-BOX 360™, he convinces her she is Guy Fieri™, thereby getting a free Mountain Dew Code Black™.
  • Also this is going to be in 3D, right? Just kidding. I’M NOT AN IDIOT, HOLLYWOOD. I know this is going to be in 3D, jeez.