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Lost S06E08: Rise N’ Shine, Applesauce!

A Sawyer episode! Oh thank goodness. Who doesn’t love a good Sawyer episode? Last night was the first time this season that this show actually make me smile. Then again, last night’s episode also had the first cliff-hanger of the season to actually make me groan out loud. It sounded something like this: unhhhhhhhhhhhh. Anyway, Sawyer is in Claire’s studio garbage dump? I guess they ran out of tea in the Dharma camp, and you know how much Sawyer likes tea. He goes inside the garbage tent to find Jin who is sleeping off his bear trap wounds and he wakes Jin up just to tell him that he is Team Locke now. Uh, you could have let him sleep, Sawyer. But Sawyer is just very excited to be on Team Locke, and it’s nice to see him so excited about something after being such a gloomy gus these past few weeks. Jin is like “I can’t leave the island, Sun might be out there,” and Sawyer is like, “you have my word that we won’t leave the island without Sun.” Uh, first of all, no one on Team Locke is leaving the island no duh no doy. Second of all, Sawyer, it’s one thing to join up with the reincarnated body of a man you know to be dead, who also happens to be a fucking SMOKE MONSTER, we could all use a shoulder to lean on or whatever, but maybe you should relax with pretending like you hold all the cards and make all the rules. Let me put it this way: one of you has been trapped on the island for centuries, trying desperately to escape, can shapeshift and is some kind of dark-facet of the moral compass, and the other one is really good at homestyle nicknaming. And there is only one pair of pants in this family!

Oh, here comes the rest of the gang!

Hi, Sayid! Hi, Claire! Hi, Locke! Hi, Kate! I’m sure that after spending so many years in a majestic temple filled with magic whirlpools and secret passageways that everyone is pretty excited to be in a garbage dump in the middle of the jungle filled with bone babies. Speaking of, HI BONE BABY!

Kate is like, “Hey, Claire, no big deal, but, like, what’s up with the Bone Baby?” And Claire is like, “It’s all I had.” Yikes. Anyway, Locke reassures some crying children that even though he knows that it’s scary that everyone in the temple who they knew and loved had to get murdered, it’s over. Oh, it’s over? OK, cool. Thanks, Locke! Meanwhile, Claire holds Kate’s hand and Kate is like, uhhhh. Seriously, who knows where those hands have been. You know what they say, the hair is the window to the hands. “Move out!” Yes, sir, Mr. Locke. Right away, sir.

Out in the jungle, Sawyer gets mad at Locke because he wants to go home nowwwwwww and Locke promissssssssed. Haha, sure, Sawyer. Everyone knows that the way to prove your dominance as the Alpha Male is to whine a lot and be confused about what is going on. Locke pulls him aside and is like “I want you to take this boat and go to the other island and see what’s up.” I mean, he gives him some reasons? Like, that Sawyer is good at lying? But mostly he is just like, “Do it,” and Sawyer is like, “Oh fine.” WHAT? What is up with everyone on this show doing anything anyone asks them immediately no questions ever asked. “I will definitely go on this boat alone to another island entirely and do whatever it is that you want me to do over there, because a couple weeks ago you showed me two colored rocks on a scale in a cave, and now you’re the boss. But also I’m the boss and don’t you ever forget that, boss.” Basically.

The other island sure brings up a lot of old memories.

Hahah. Remember that sample sale?

Sawyer finds the plane that is going to get them off the island! He gives it a quick once over, and determines that it is definitely an airplane. Definitely.

Then he finds a pile of dead bodies. PEE-YEW! Yucky! Then he finds a smaller pile of live body. Her name is Zoe. She is the only survivor. OK. She spent days dragging all the other bodies into a pile in the shade. Uhhh. One day she was separate from the rest of the group and she heard screams and then everyone was dead. Sawyer is just like, yup, this is one silly island. Sawyer tells her that he is with a couple dozen people on the main island, and they head over to the boat. But then Sawyer is like, “Where were you going when the plane crashed?” And Zoe is like, “Guam.” And he is like, “What’s in Guam?” And she is like, “My boyfriend.” And Sawyer is like, “GUN IN YOUR FACE.”

I like that we have learned over the years that Sawyer is such a good con man and lie artist that we are just supposed to believe that this was a game of cat and mouse between two experts, but Zoe played the wrong card. “I was going to Guam to see my boyfriend” is a classic Two Nuns In A Cornfield Gambit, any halfwit three card monte huckster could smoke it out in his shuteye. And other colloquialisms!

So Zoe (IF THAT IS EVEN HER REAL NAME) leads Sawyer to a submarine.

Man, this show loves submarines so much. It wants to marry submarines and have little baby submarines. On the way to the submarine, Sawyer sees people putting up anti-smoke-monster pylons. Very smart, guys. That is just the type of thing I would mean to bring but then forget at the last minute. Forgotten socks and anti-smoke-monster pylons have ruined more than one vacation. Anyway, they take Sawyer into the submarine and he immediately sees a door with padlocks on it. “What are these for, shake shake shake,” he says. “Huh? You got locks in here, shake shake shake.” Hahahha. Sawyer to locks is like a baby to a jangly set of shiny keys. Whatever, Sawyer. As if he is just such a professional submarine aficionado that he recognizes an out-of-place lock when he sees one. Anyway, they lead him to the captain’s quarters, and there is Charles Widmore, doing his homework.

MATH IS HARD.

Meanwhile, back on the main island, Claire stops holding Kate’s hand long enough to try and stab Kate in the throat. Get her, Claire!

But Locke puts a stop to this madness, domestic abuse style.

Kate is all like:

I am all like:

Kate is really freaked out. So Locke takes her for a seaside smoke-monster-to-heart chat. He explains that he filled Claire with hate to give her something to hold onto. Fair enough, but if she was holding onto all that hate, then who was holding onto the BONE BABY? Then he goes into some story about how he had a crazy mom? And Kate is like, uh, what? And I am like, uh, what? And then he’s like, “I told you about how I had a crazy mom because now Baby Aaron has a crazy mom.” Good story! “I really enjoyed this conversation,” Kate doesn’t say. Looking good as always, Kate!

So Sawyer makes a deal with Charles Widmore that he is going to lead Locke right to the submarine where Charles Widmore can kill him, and his only rule is that he wants everyone in his boat to be spared and allowed to go home. Charles Widmore asks how he can trust Sawyer, and Sawyer says the same way the he can trust Charles Widmore. I guess. Although one of you has been arrested for Professional Lying. But I guess the other one broke “the truce,” so. Except Charles Widmore can’t trust Sawyer at all, because as soon as Sawyer paddles back (paddle paddle paddle) to the main island, he tells Locke everything, and now Locke is going to be the one surprise attacking Charles Widmore. Oh no! Except, I’m pretty sure that Charles Widmore didn’t get to be the owner of his own private submarine by immediately putting all his faith into handshake deals with grown men who call complete strangers “Freckles.”

That night, at the campfire, Sawyer reveals to Kate that he is actually playing BOTH SIDES. Classic long con. He is going to let Locke and Charles Widmore kill each other, and then he and Kate are going to escape the island once and for all. “Oh, Sawyer, even if we could get on that plane, who would fly it?” Kate asks. “We ain’t taking the plane, Cinnabon, we’re taking the sub.” And then dramatic music fades in. HAHAHHA, THE SUB?! WHUUUUUUUUUUUT? Probably the funniest ending of an episode ever. “We’re not taking the plane, Pinkberry, we’re taking the sub.” I wonder how many takes they had to do for Sawyer’s delivery to be INTENSE enough.

Oh, but wait!

We are not at the end of the episode at all. ALLEY-OOP, it’s back to Bizarro Los Angeles, where Sawyer has just finished doing it with some lady in a hotel. Classic Sawyer. So classic. But uh oh, he is late for his important meeting! And uh oh, his briefcase full of cash fell open. She wasn’t supposed to see that! Except of course she was supposed to see that. He’s Sawyer! It’s a con job! But now the con man has met his match, because she pulls a gun on him. But Sawyer double-indemnities her (I’m sure that reference is appropriate and used correctly) when he explains that he is a cop, and her husband is a con artist, and he is just using her to get to her husband, and she better put the gun down or else this room is going to be swarming with a SWAT team. Obviously, this is just fast-thinking slick-talk from a lie magician. OR IS IT. Sawyer says the safe word, “LaFleur,” and the door busts down. SAWYER IS A COP.

WHUUUUUUUUUT?! And check out his partner:

WHUUUUUUUUUT?! And just in case you still don’t believe me, look:

Sawyer is DEFINITELY a cop now. Anyway, the next day, he is making some secretive phone calls. Huh, I wonder what that’s all about. AND SO DOES HIS PARTNER, MILES. “You can tell me anything,” Miles says. “We’re partners.” Relax, Miles. I mean, sure, but also relax. You guys aren’t actually married, yet. (Although they will be married soon. In the multi-verse Bizarro LA, all cops eventually marry each other, and the World Trade Center is still standing.) Well, Miles says, I guess we will just have to leave the mystery of who you are talking to on the phone for another time, because right now I want to set you up on a date with my friend, because you haven’t gotten laid since last night when we were on a case. (Incidentally, you would be surprised how often cops have sex on the job in Bizarro LA. Needless to say, it’s a ton.) So Sawyer reluctantly agrees to go on a date. Look who he goes on a date with.

WHUUUUUUUUUT?!

Naturally, they immediately go back to Sawyer’s place and do it. Because in Bizarro LA, Charlotte is no longer a reserved scientist, she is just a cold-blood Bang Hound. After doing it so much, she asks Sawyer if she can borrow a t-shirt, and he is like, definitely, I keep my t-shirts in the top-right drawer of the dresser, right next to the DRAWER OF SECRETS. She does what any young lady would do. She gently touches his copy of Watership Down, and then she rifles through his jeans drawer like she’s trying to rob him. Seriously, did anyone notice how FRANTICALLY Charlotte was going through that drawer? Maybe in Bizarro LA, t-shirts are microscopic and very hard to see with the human eye. Because otherwise, it’s pretty easy to tell whether there are t-shirts in a drawer or not. Anyway, she stumbles on James Ford’s secret “Sawyer” file, which he keeps in the loosely packed top drawer of his clothes dresser, because he is a PRO. She’s casually rifling through it, because this is a first date, and she’s an asshole. James is not happy when he comes back from wherever he was, having finished whatever he was doing.

He kicks her out. I guess he is a little aggressive about it, but Charlotte seems way too surprised that snooping through someone’s personal business just hours after meeting them would be seen as anything less than charming. The next night, Sawyer realizes that maybe he acted too harshly, and goes to her door to make amends.

Oh great. Another mystery. How does he know where she lives? They went on one blind date! “Let’s skip the small talk and exchange addresses.” She says it is too late. Really? Again, I understand that people don’t like getting screamed at right after banging. But people also don’t like to discover someone snooping on them right after banging. I think this could just be considered an even stevens. But it’s not. Charlotte is like, get out of here, and take your sunflower and six pack of Dharma Ale with you. Oh well. Better luck next time, Bizarro James Ford. You should call up Bizarro Naomi, see if she is still hot.

Back at the precinct, Detective Miles grabs Detective James Ford (show some respect) and throws him up against the cop lockers. He pulled up Sawyer’s credit card receipts and knows that he went to Australia instead of Palm Springs like he said. Uhhh, yikes, Detective Miles. You seriously should take up scrap-booking or something. Because you are wayyyy too deep up Detective Ford’s butt. He says that they are not partners anymore, because real partners wouldn’t lie about private vacations to deal with personal business. And then Miles excuses himself to GO TO THERAPY. But I guess Miles’s weird, obsessive, boundaries-less freak out strikes a chord with Sawyer, because he finally reveals the secret “Sawyer” file to him, and explains that if and when he ever finds the man responsible for the death of his parents, he is going to kill him.

The only reason he didn’t tell him before was because he knew Miles would try and talk him out of it. Huh. I would have thought that the only reason you didn’t tell him before was because since you are both police officers, I’m pretty sure Miles is bound by law to report you to his superiors for declaring your pre-meditated plans to murder someone in cold blood. But I guess it was just because you hate people trying to talk you out of murder when murder is what you really want. So annoying, right?! No time to think too hard about it, though, because CAR CRASH. Someone is on the run! Oh, it’s just Kate. Looking good Kate.

You don’t have to be a multi-verse bizarro cop to know that Kate should go to jail.