Instant Classic: Lindsay Lohan Is Suing The E-Trade Baby

Lindsay Lohan is suing the E-Trade baby, you guys. We live in a fantastical 3D world where almost anything can happen! From the New York Post:

Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, “milkaholic” baby in its latest commercial — who happens to be named Lindsay — was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering, The Post has learned.


Lohan’s lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.


“Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit,” Ovadia said.

“They used the name Lindsay,” Ovadia said. “They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.”

OK, well she has a point there. Sustained! I haven’t been able to have a normal human conversation with another adult since the Super Bowl without eventually talking and then being unable to stop talking about the E-Trade baby commercials. It doesn’t matter where I am or who I am with. I could be in line at the bank (where I often am, normal place to be) or talking on the phone with my mom, or on a romantic wine date, and BOOM: “Enough small talk, what do you think of the latest round of E-Trade baby commercials that everyone is talking about?” Classic conversation that happens constantly. Followed by, “That baby is Lindsay Lohan, or as I call her, Lindsay. Everyone is talking about it.” And then, “Uh, I know. Jeez.”

Now look.

I understand that being a celebrity can lead one down a dark and dangerous path of sociopathic self-obsession. It’s not surprising that Lindsay Lohan would see herself in a television commercial featuring a CGI baby talking about an on-line stock trading services company. “Hey, wait a second, I’m an alcoholic, I shit my pants, and my name is Lindsay.” The human mind is designed to find patterns in nature, and the broken human mind is designed to find self-absorbed patterns in Super Bowl commercials. But she actually undermines her own lawsuit by asking for 100 million dollars. Girl, we know you broke! And we know that your full-blown addiction to milk doesn’t allow you to feel any pain or suffering. This part is also great:

Ovadia wants an injunction to force the spot off the air, and the Lindsay camp wants every last copy of the commercial.

She says Lohan is owed $50 million in exemplary damages, plus another $50 million in compensatory damages.

Every last copy of the commercial! What do they think this is, Lyndon Johnson’s yearbook? (When Lyndon Johnson became president, he had every copy of his high school yearbook either destroyed or his photo removed so as to erase any remnant of a past he found embarrassing. Total baller.) Good luck, clowns! You will have better luck all fitting into that one tiny car!

Anyway, here is the actual commercial. Get it before they are all gone:

Sure, Lindsay Lohan. This guy definitely knows what you are talking about: