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Gwyneth Paltrow Has Just Discovered Sleep. Neat!

The new Goop is here! And Gwyneth has some super fascinating tips for all of us on how to live our lives. Namely, we should definitely sleep. Cool tip from a cool lady.

Basically everyone I know is knackered, me included. But I didn’t imagine that there could be health problems associated with not getting a good night’s rest. I recently read a book called “Light’s Out: Sleep, Sugar and Survival” by T.S. Wiley which talks about the negative cumulative effects of sleep deprivation (aging, hormonal imbalances, etc.) I asked one of my doctors, Frank Lipman, for his opinion on the subject and the result is the fascinating piece below, followed by some suggestions on ways to sleep better.

Let’s get some shuteye, people.

Love,
--- Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh man. Every week with this thing! Well, first of all.

I’m not even going to talk about how ridiculous it is that Gwyneth Paltrow is actually using the word “knackered” (congratulations, England, she’s all yours) with no apparent sense of irony or self-deprecation because why bother, HER CHILD IS NAMED APPLE. However, I am going to talk about how insane it is that Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t know that lack of sleep could lead to health issues. Really? Really, you pompous clown? You skeletal imbecile? Because, no offense, and I’m sure your lifestyle newsletter is definitely very important and very useful, but EVERYONE KNOWS that lack of sleep is bad for you. We learned it primarily from condescending celebrity vanity projects that reflect their boredom and self-obsession the fact that we fall asleep when it has been too long since we last slept. Or at the very least, fatal-nightmare-filled-micro-naps. See also: torture.

I do love that her doctor’s advice is to not use alarm clocks. Cool advice. It’s all part of his three step plan to better health.

Step 1: quit your job.
Step 2: stop using an alarm clock and let your body wake when it is ready.
Step 3: tell your personal assistant to finish ghostwriting your celebrity lifestyle newsletter.

Nonsense.

Gwyneth Paltrow is an idiot. Of course, in England, an “idiot” is called a “lorrie.”