A Jack episode, of course, is little better than a Kate episode, but it is a little better than a Kate episode, and fthese days we need to take our blessings where we can. “A Jack episode? Well, Lord, I still have my health, and You, in your infinite wisdom, could have just as easily given me a Kate episode, so I thank You for this.” We start back in bizzaro LA (as if there is any other kind of LA? HOLLYZING!) where Jack realizes that what he needs right now is a nice, refreshing splash of cold water in the face. JACK, LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
OR DON’T! NEVERMIND! FINISH HIM! It was very hard to watch the Jack mirror scene without thinking of this. Hold on a second, Jack, look down.
Jack, what is that? Enhance, Jack.
Jack, of course, does what anyone of us would do when we suddenly realize that we have a scar on our bodies that was not there before, unless by before you mean when we were trapped on a magical island after a plane crash and only managed to get back to our normal lives years and parallel-universes later by having a lady fall down a magnet well and smash a hydrogen bomb with a rock: he called his mommy. It turns out the scar is from having his appendix out? When he was seven? In the multi-verse, of course, there is one version of you with your appendix and one version of you without your appendix. It’s called physics, and this show is a professor of it. It’s very similar to how in a world of infinite choices, where time is a man-made creation, and every path not taken becomes an alternate reality, a spinal surgeon can drive around in a piece of shit jeep without putting his seatbelt on. GOOD DOCTOR!
But obviously, the mystery of why Jack doesn’t wear a seatbelt is just one of those classic Lost loose-ends that you kind of just get the sinking feeling will never be resolved. Hopefully Damon Cuse and Carlton Lindelof are a little kinder when it comes to providing answers to the more pressing question of HOLY SHIT, JACK HAS A SON, WHAT?!
Jack’s son seems like kind of a jerk, which I guess is appropriate. The jerk never falls far from the jerk tree, as they say. He is constantly listening to his Zune and giving Jack dirty looks. We are supposed to get the sense that Jack has not been a very good father to him, but because we did not even know Jack WAS a father to him, mostly all we see is Jack trying pretty hard and this kid being like “I’m the 37-year-old twin brother of Haley Joel Osment who sings lead for Vampire Weekend, and get out of my room, daddy.” My favorite part is when Jack finds a book on the kid’s bed and is like, “are you reading this book, son?”
The kid should have said, “no.” Because the kid is not reading that. I’m sorry. I know that we are all THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS NOW, and that Jack is late, he’s late, for a very important date, but some grumpy prep school kid who hates his father is busy trying to build up his connections to become a coke dealer, not reading Alice in Wonderland on his own for fun. Anyway, Jack gets a call from his mommy about his dad’s missing coffin, and his son gives him the Trademark Look that all neglected children give their fathers:
That song, “Cats in the Cradle,” is about how a father never got to know his son because he was always too focused on talking to the son’s grandma about funeral preparations for the son’s dead grandfather after the son’s dead grandfather’s coffin went missing in a paranormal flight from Australia, right? Folk music. Anyway, Jack goes to visit his mommy, and it turns out SHE IS THE SMOKE MONSTER.
Yiiiiiiiikes. WE’VE GOT TO GET BACK TO THE SURGEON! They are rooting around through Jack’s dad’s old office, trying to find his last will and testament. They can’t find it anywhere (until they just find it, like, right there) but this gives them a chance to talk. And to drink some Lost Whiskey.
Jack’s mom is like “you didn’t get along with your father either,” and Jack is like, “that’s because I hated my father, it’s different with my son,” and his mom is like, “did you ever think maybe your son hates you?” and Jack is like “deep thoughts.” When they do find the will, Jack’s mom puts on her will-reading glasses, and is like “did your dad ever say anything to you about Claire?” This is the first, but not last, instance in this episode, where Lost pretends like we did not already know the answer to a mystery. Lost, heads up, we already know that Jack and Claire are brother and sister. Can you get busy on telling us what is up with Libby and Hurley? Or those weird injections that Desmond used to give himself in the hatch to “protect” himself from the island air? Like, OK, SPOILER ALERT, but the very final scene of the episode involves Locke-Monster showing up in Claire’s tent made of hair and human bones, and Jin is like “John?” and Claire is like “That’s not John, that’s my friend,” and the dramatic music swells. Except, again, Lost, please, WE KNOW THAT IS NOT JOHN AND WE BEEN HAD KNOWING THAT FOR WEEKS NOW. Your cliffhanger is a plateau.
Anyway, back in Weirdowood, Jack comes home to his apartment to find that his son is missing. He calls his son’s cell phone but there is no answer. So he finally goes to his son’s mom’s house to see if maybe he went there. No one is home, so the mystery of who Jack’s son’s mom is will have to wait for another day. Honestly, at this point, I’m kind of expecting the season finale to be a guided narration taking us point by point through the resolutions to a billion mysteries. Anyway, Jack goes into the house and goes upstairs to his son’s room and finds sheet music. UH OH, SHEET MUSIC! He pauses for a second on a strip of photobooth photos.
Aw. Remember when you two took those? Yesterday? Seriously, there is no way those photos are older than 12 hours. Jack picked him up from school, took him to a photobooth, stopped by his mom’s house to put the photobooth photos in the mirror, and then went back to his apartment for some quality father-son-ignoring-time. Then Jack sees his son’s answering machine has messages on it. Because even though people don’t use answering machines anymore and we have already established that Jack’s son has a cellphone, teenagers in the multi-verse are super into answering machines. Answering machines is their anti-drug.
Jack learns conveniently from the answering machine that his son has a piano recital. I’m surprised the son knows that he has a piano recital. YOU SHOULD CHECK YOUR MESSAGES IF YOU ARE WAITING TO HEAR BACK FROM THE MUSIC CONSERVATORY. Jack rushes over there and is overwhelmed by the fact that his son can play piano. Whatever, I am overwhelmed by who one of the other fathers at the recital is:
Whuuuuuuuuuuut. I’m willing to believe that Ben is a teacher in the Los Angeles public school system, but this guy is a father?! Upside Down Town! Just kidding. But my favorite part is when he tells Jack that his son is very talented, and asks how long he’s been playing, and Jack is like, “I don’t know. Bye.” Good one, Jack. It is a sophisticated social skill to just know when conversations have run their course. So Jack goes outside and finds his son and is like “I will always love you, even though I just found out about you,” and blah blah blah. It all goes back to how his father told him that he didn’t have what it takes, and Jack always hated him for that, but that Jack knows that his son will always have what it takes, and nothing he could ever do would make Jack think that he doesn’t have what it takeszzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Let’s get back to the island. Seriously.
The second chillest Jack after Johnson.
So the guys are all still in the papier-mache temple. Sayid has on his favorite Bullet Hole Tank Top.
Hurley, tired of playing a ridiculously elaborate game of leaf-tic-tac-toe, decides that is finally time to find out where the kitchens are and have a snack. He heads inside, and asks someone down by the magic Death Jaccuzzi where the kitchens are, and I’m just going to tell you right now that the person he asks is Jacob, because that makes it even funnier when I tell you that Jacob TELLS HIM WHERE THE KITCHENS ARE.
Then, of course, he tells him some other stuff. But it is so funny to me that Jacob is being all Moody Broody down by the Death Jacuzzi and goes so far as to keep up his ruse of just being some dude chilling by the pool for way longer than he needs to. “The kitchens are that way, Hurley, but also I’m….wait for it….Jacob.” Perfect. Anyway, he tells Hurley to get a pen, which Hurley manages to do, but not paper. Classic Hurley. But immediately Hurley stops following Jacob’s instructions? Like, he is supposed to get Jack and go down a secret tunnel out of the Temple and back into the jungle, but he immediately decides to just go alone? A rare case of boldness, Hurley. Oh look, there is the hieroglyph!
I think this was etched into the stone around the same era that Jack took those photobooth photos with his son (the yesterdayicine period). But before Hurley can escape, he is double-teamed by the Secret Ninja Other and also by Ghost Jacob.
I love Tracy Morgan, but clearly Secret Ninja Other and Ghost Jacob should have been cast in Cop Out. Ghost Jacob helps Hurley to evade the Secret Ninja Other, but he’s like, you have got to take Jack with you on your mission like I told you in the first place. Ghosts are very strict about their mission instructions. And he gives Hurley a secret message. At first Jack is like, there is no way I am going on a mission with you, Hurley, because I am stubborn and unadventurous when it is convenient to the story. I’m just going to sit here and eat this mango, because I’m a total mangohead.
But then Hurley gives Jack Jacob’s secret message, which is “you have what it takes,” and Jack is like, “that is the most generic thing anyone has ever said, I AM READY TO ESCAPE WITH YOU INTO THE JUNGLE.” Whatever. You have what it takes. “Who told you that, Hurley? How did you know that my Junior High Basketball Coach said that to me once in our game against the Pittsfield Bulldogs?” So Jack and Hurley go into the jungle. They have lots of adventures while they are there. Oh look, Shannon’s inhaler! That was an easy enough way to work her back into the script now that actress Maggie Grace has officially cleared up her schedule enough to make a cameo appearance in the final season. Oh look, there is Kate.
She is going to look for Claire. Bye Kate! Jack and Hurley continue through the jungle until they get to ANOTHER FUCKING BUILDING THAT DIDN’T EXIST UNTIL FIVE MINUTES AGO.
You guys, I don’t know. They need to cool it with this constant deus ex buildings. Always with the new buildings. Anyway, they go up to the top, where Hurley has been instructed to turn the mirrors to 108 degrees in order to “help someone get to the island.”
But Jack notices that his name has been etched into the lighthouse.
Huh. That is strange. Hurley, turn the lighthouse to Jack degrees. Do you see that? What is that?
Oh, it is the house where Jack grew up. That means that Jacob has been watching him for his entire life. Now, it’s hard to understand why, exactly, but this is clearly one of the most magical lighthouses ever discovered by mankind. So you know what we should do? We should fucking smash it.
“I HATE MAGICAL AND INCREDIBLE LIGHTHOUSES!” — Jack
Jack is like, “after all this smashing of wonders, I need to go sit out by the ocean.” Hurley gets in a fight with Ghost Jacob and is like “we didn’t do what you wanted,” not realizing that this was exactly what Jacob wanted. Hurley should seriously watch a couple of episodes of this show, because he would have known it was exactly what Jacob wanted a half hour ago. Also, Ghost Jacob is kind of a condescending dick to Hurley. “Some people you can just get in their cab and tell them what to do, other people you have to make them smash a magic lighthouse and think it was their idea and then have them sit out by the ocean and think about it and eventually they will know what you want from them, but they’re smarter than the cab people, you know? It’s harder with them, more elaborate. Not just like telling them because they are so dumb and easily manipulated and you just know they will do what you want. Right, Hurley? Does my constant knowing smirk make it any clearer?”
“P.S. don’t go back to the temple.”
And then there is Claire. She caught Jin in a bear trap. Ouch. Maybe she should have caught some shampoo in a bear trap instead.
Anyway, blah blah blah, Claire is evil now. She has a voodoo goat baby in a cradle.
Cute baby! What is it’s name? Oooh, we always thought if we ever had a baby, we would name it Koron The Wicked, too!
She is also a field surgeon and a murderer.
Anyway, she’s been in the jungle alone for three years, which she says is because everyone left, but we already know that she disappeared and was in that weird cabin with Jack’s dad? But she does bring up a good point: where IS Baby Aaron? Jin tells her that the Others don’t have him, that he is with Kate, and Claire is like, that doesn’t change the fact that I am going to axe murder. Then he says that he lied and the Others do have Baby Aaron and they should go back to the temple and pick him up, Raising Arizona style. Uh, Jin? And Claire is like, it’s a good thing you told me you were lying, because if I found out that Kate had Baby Aaron I would kill her, and it’s like UHHHH, JINNNNN?! You are really blowing this for us, Jin. And then Locke walks in and we are supposed to pretend like we just learned a secret when we did not learn any secrets whatsoever. We are adults, Lost. Please treat us like some.