Avril Lavigne In Garbageland

Avril Lavigne’s “Alice” video, you guys:

Um, this video is fine. I mean, it’s a movie tie-in music video, so you can’t expect too much, and it’s certainly better than that phoned-in style of 1990s movie tie-in music video where the artist (haha, artist) would be performing in, like, an alleyway and scenes from the movie would be projected onto a garbage can lid. Or this shit. (Topical!) The video does what it is supposed to do.

But what on Earth is this song?! And I say that as an actual Avril fan. That’s right, I’m a 67-year-old man who enjoys Avril Lavigne, SO SUE ME. I think that “Girlfriend” and “Complicated” are exceptionally well-crafted pop songs, so what, who cares? But this is not an exceptionally well-crafted pop song. This is literally just a woman screaming lyrics written by a child. “I’m spinning around. I’m underground. I fell down! I’m freaking out. I’m upside down!” What? We are not actually supposed to listen to this are we? This song feels like a joke. I feel like a joke is being played on me. Ashton, you can come out now, we have been PUNK’D and it’s 2002 so that is still a relevant joke to make! Also, how old is Avril Lavigne anyway? 40? You should know better, Avril Lavigne! You’re a grown woman who has experienced life and is currently going through a divorce. ACT LIKE IT!