Listen up cool dudes who think that it’s OK for guys to be into fashion now, and even cooler girls who know that they’re the only ones who can keep themselves from achieving their dreams, let’s talk about Twilight: New Moon. Well, first of all let’s talk about the line outside of Twilight: New Moon. Did it really need to wrap around the block 40 minutes before the movie was supposed to start? That is too long, and too early. And that is what she said. Where did you all come from? I know that as a 67-year-old man*, it is virtually impossible for me to keep up with popular youth culture–I wouldn’t even know where to look!–but I was aware that Twilight was very popular, and this still took me by surprise. What a madhouse! I’m glad that no one threw a bomb into the theater on Friday night, because it would have decimated the 19-year-old-girl-still-wearing-Ugg-boots population of New York! Oh, and can we talk for a minute about the trailers that showed before Twilight? Like, The Lovely Bones? Young women who fantasize about paranormal sex are wayyyyy into rape-murder heaven fantasies. EEK! And I don’t know about your screening, but my screening featured not one but TWO romantic comedies featuring Italian magic. And of course there was the trailer for the new Robert Pattinson movie, and of course the ladies in the audience (also known as the audience) all screamed, duh. Would you ask the sun to stop screaming? Would you ask the rain not to scream?
And then the actual movie started. And yes, there was more screaming when Robert Pattinson first appeared on screen, but slowly the screaming subsided. And was replaced with laughter.
On the one hand, the laughter was welcome, because it made me feel less crazy and alone. I really am having a hard time understanding why this series is straight crushing people’s minds these days. It’s simplistic and painfully overwrought and most of all it is BORING. So the fact that a room full of connoisseurs could still find the humor in Taylor Lautner taking off his shirt for literally no reason made me feel a little less adrift in an adolescent void. The only thing is I am not sure what they were laughing at? I mean, they were laughing at lots of things (PAPERCUT!) but perhaps the worst thing about this genuinely awful movie was just how tedious and monotone it was. You just had to TRUDGE through this damp, gray thing.
And then there was the actual story. Huh? Again, huh? So Edward leaves because he doesn’t want to throw Bella across the room anymore like some kind of glittery Chris Brown, and now Taylor Lautner is a werewolf, but oh no here comes the bad vampire from the last movie, but suddenly the bad vampire is no longer an issue, like we literally are just going to ignore that storyline because we need to focus on how there is a vampire court in Italy that changes the vampire laws constantly (you are not in trouble, wait, we decided you are in trouble). Insert cheap, unearned reference to Romeo and Juliet. Edward thinks that Bella is dead…just because? I mean, she’s not dead. And his sister Alice, who oh by the way, is for some reason the emotional fulcrum of the entire movie (?) because her and Bella are best friends now (?) although that has never been explained or explored before, like, at all. And P.S. adrenaline junkies: so hot right now. (Now is 2005, right? Or is now 1991?)
Actually, I was wrong earlier when I said that the worst thing about this movie was how dull and monotonous it was. I mean, that was basically the worst thing about it, but it wasn’t the worst worst thing about it, because the worst worst thing about it was the weird message it had about domestic violence. UHHHH. Taylor Lautner is like “what if I get mad at you one day, and I am standing too close to you, and I turn into a werewolf, and I carve up your FUCKING FACE?” Well, Taylor Lautner, what if you GO TO JAIL. The movie was like “this is just how werewolves are, and you love them through it all.” WHAT. THE. FUCK? Like, I know that we are all empowered young women who are taking control of our own sexuality, but apparently we aren’t at all. It’s one thing for this movie to end with a marriage proposal, which reminds you that even when it comes to soulless paranormal monsters, you can’t have sex until you make things legal in the eyes of the state and God. But to actually pose a basic defense of horrific domestic abuse as a matter of NATURE is insane.
I just don’t understand. Seriously. At all. Like, I don’t understand the appeal of Twilight, but I don’t even understand what is HAPPENING in Twilight. And I definitely don’t understand the meaning of Twilight. You have to choose between getting married and becoming a monster, or you have to be in an abusive relationship. With a monster? Explain yourselves, children!
*Speaking of 67-year-old men, when we were being held in the lobby for the theater to open up, the ticket-taker kept calling out for anyone going to see any movie other than Twilight to step to the front of the line, and he kept making eye-contact with a friend of mine with each announcement, as if to say “naturally, you are not here to see Twilight, old man by himself, please hear my important message about your movie, Law Abiding Citizen, or whatever.”