Twilight: A Primer For Adults

In preparation for this weekend’s release of The Twilight: New Moon (OMG u guyz, is it possible 2 die from 3 much excitement?!), I decided to actually watch The Twilight yesterday, you know, see what the kids were into these days. Wow, kids these days, you are into something really terrible! Like, I figured Twilight was bad, but I did not know it was going to be THAT bad. I assumed that while I wouldn’t like it, I would at least understand why kids liked it, but I don’t! It’s a disaster!

For one thing: it doesn’t make any sense? I’m sure that if you’ve already read all of the books 12 times by flashlight underneath the covers because your mom said no more staying up so late since you look so tired that she’s worried the teachers at your school are going to call social services on her, then maybe this movie makes sense because you already know everything that is going to happen anyway. But for people who haven’t read the books it’s a jumbled mess of inexplicable motivations and events. Like, for example, with almost no explanation, a game of Vampire Lightning Baseball is interrupted by the sudden CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE out of nowhere, in which a character that has literally been on the screen for 30 seconds so far is now at the crux of the movie’s major dramatic arc? I will tell you what is spooky: this movie’s inability to follow any rational structure of plot or character development!

Also, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are so terrible at acting! “I’m going to bite my lip repeatedly while you struggle to maintain your already terrible approximation of an American accent.” This vampire movie’s motto is “I want to suck…the end.” Right, you guys?!

Anyway, I have provided a little cheat sheet for adults who might want to see Twilight New Moon this weekend for some reason, but who don’t want to actually sit through the unbearable two hours that is Twilight Old Moon.

  • Teenage vampires travel from high school to high school pretending to be incestuous siblings, because that is just a smart cover story.
  • Teenage vampires always sit in a semi-circle around their cafeteria lunch table facing away from each other, it just makes it easier to give everyone “fuck me” eyes.
  • Vampires know just where to find rays of sunlight in an otherwise gray forest, FACT.
  • When you transfer to a new school, it will somehow be prom right away.
  • Vampires of all ages love to play Vampire Lightning Baseball.
  • Although vampires can hit baseballs very, very far, the outfielders must remain at a regulation distance from home plate during every at-bat, and then run fast into the woods to find the ball.
  • If you’re a bad vampire, wearing shirts is optional.
  • It only takes two hours to drive from coastal Washington to Phoenix, Arizona.
  • Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) can read everyone’s mind except Bella Swan’s (Kristen Stewart)–perhaps a “she is clinically brain dead” twist in future episodes?
  • Werewolves used to be really awkward and goofy looking when we didn’t know they were werewolves, but then werewolves put on 30 pounds of muscle and somehow that also fixed the werewolves’ face?
  • Vampires cannot go out in the sun because their skin sparkles and everyone will know they are vampires (or extras in a Lady Gaga video), but vampires CAN live in giant glass houses that let in as much sunlight as possible, no problem.
  • Vampires never go surfing because surfing belongs to the werewolves.
  • In a town of 3,000, you know that at least eight of them are going to be rapists, and they are all going to try and rape you together.
  • Vampires drive their hybrid cars like Vin Diesel drives his dinner trays.
  • You can throw off a Tracker Vampire by rubbing a hoodie on a tree.
  • There are Tracker Vampires.
  • Some vampires have psychic visions that can only be transcribed in charcoal drawings, you just never know, different vampires have different powers, sometimes, apparently.
  • If you are a bad vampire who hangs out in a crew of bad vampires, and one of those bad vampires is black and has dreadlocks, watch out for him, because he will betray you for no reason, right away.
  • Although in times of distress it would probably be faster for vampires to use their superspeed to get away, sometimes they just like to drive!
  • Sometimes vampires have venom and sometimes they don’t?
  • If you are a good vampire and you are about to kill a bad vampire, you should try and restrain yourself and remember that you are a good vampire. The easiest way to do this is by letting other good vampires kill the bad vampire.
  • Going back to Vampire Lightning Baseball for a second: it is important to wear a non-denominational “baseball” hat in a way that makes you look like a special needs child.
  • Werewolf dads are very concerned with whether or not their human friends’ daughters are dating teenage vampires, and will pay their teenage werewolves human money to try and break up these relationships that have nothing to do with them.

I’m sure there are some NUANCES that I’m not picking up on, but this is a good start for the novice. I recommend that you print it out, size it down, laminate it, and carry it around in your wallet. Just in case some kid starts SEXTING you and you don’t know how to respond.