If You Are Going To Have A Michael Jackson Seance, Keep It To Yourself

Guys, I don’t want to bum you out, but Michael Jackson is dead. Forever. Now, I’m not trying to be a downer. I understand how comforting it can be to believe that there is something waiting for us on the other side of that mortal coil. Perhaps you think that we’re all going to heaven, a perpetual pajama party in the clouds where all the water fountains run with champagne. Perhaps you think that we become pure energy, and our souls disperse into the atmosphere like Powder. Or maybe you think that we hang around on some hidden, spiritual plane for all of eternity, hoisting our descendants onto our shoulders, like Mr. Amistad. We’re all entitled to our beliefs.

But please don’t hold a seance to raise the spirit of Michael Jackson. And if you are going to hold a seance to raise the spirit of Michael Jackson, for heaven’s sake, DON’T PUT IT ON TELEVISION!

Really? This is a thing? Someone in an expensive suit was like, “hold on, let me just sign the check.” Good work, everyone. Extra juice at snacktime. Maybe David Spade can host!

Dear 2012,

Come over anytime. Please.