Let’s All Pitch In And Buy The Rights To Terminator, You Guys!

I was casually flipping through Variety this morning over a classic Hollywood breakfast of half a grapefruit, some cottage cheese, and a cocaine-and-egg-white omelet (no, I wasn’t!) when I happened upon this bit of BREAKING news:

An auction is set for January for Halcyon Co. to sell the rights to future “Terminator” pics, TV series, DVDs and merchandise as part of its bankruptcy process.

Ay-ay-ay! You guys! This is our ticket out of this DUMP! If we all pool our money, I’m sure we could buy the rights to the Terminator franchise (I am not entirely sure of that) and then we would all live together in a Beverly Hills mansion, just like a family. Just like in Ken Burns’s Entourage! Let’s do the numbers:

“Terminator Salvation,” the fourth film in the franchise, carried a production pricetag of about $200 million and took in $371 million worldwide.

Bear in mind, Terminator Salvation was awful. Now, I’ve done some number-crunching (no I haven’t) on my TI-85, and a $371 million return on a $200 million investment is over 14,000 percent profit! Probably!

Now, we’re going to need a strong pitch if we’re going to beat out the Hollywood Fat Cats who we’ll be competing against for this. They’ll have their fancy solid-gold sportscars and their money-shaped hot tubs with built in champagne holders, but we can beat them on heart. Here are a couple of ideas for the new direction of Terminator:

* The Terminator opens up a chain of family-owned suburban waterparks. Things are going pretty well, until the evil FunCorp conglomerate opens a flashy but soulless franchise waterpark across the street and threatens to put the Terminator out of business. So, the Terminator travels back in time to kill Betty Connor, the woman who will give birth to Frank Connor, the founder and CEO of FunCorp brand Water Amusements.

* The Terminator drops his honors thesis down a steam vent, where it falls into the rascally hands of a homeless man living in the boiler room of the Harvard library. The Terminator makes a deal with the man where he will get one page of the thesis back for every service or kindness that the Terminator provides for the homeless man. They both learn a lot about life and friendship, but eventually the Terminator realizes he really needs that thesis if he’s going to graduate with honors, so he travels back in time to kill Penelope Conner, the woman who will give birth to Edward Conner, who will eventually grow up to lead the resistance against living somewhere other than the Harvard library boiler room.

* The Terminator has just gone through a difficult break-up with his actress girlfriend. In an attempt to get over it, he travels to Hawaii, only to discover that his ex is staying with her new rock star boyfriend in the same hotel. They spend an awkward week in paradise, until the Terminator decides that he is in charge of his own happiness, so he travels back in time to kill Andrea Marshall, the woman who will eventually give birth to Sarah Marshall, who the Terminator would just really like to forget.

GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF THIS AMAZING INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY. Just send as much money as you can to [email protected] I’ve already started working on a cardboard thermometer that goes from 0 to our goal of low-to-high millions, and I am going to color in that thermometer as we go! Look out, Jerry Bruckheimer!

“I quit.”