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Gossip Girl S03E07: I’m Dreaming Of A White Halloween

It’s Halloween, and you know what that means: Kiss pumpkins! Wait, what? The episode opens with Rufus carving an entire series of Kiss pumpkins. WHY DON’T YOU FOCUS ON RAISING YOUR CHILDREN, RUFUS? Later, Rufus will dress up like the Ramones. Ugh, we get it. Music. The funny thing is how the writers don’t even try to give him a realistic musical aesthetic. Because there’s nothing about being a Kiss fan that suggests you’re also a Ramones fan. They are two very different types of bands. Although, Rufus is an idiot, so I guess that does kind of fit. Kiss pumpkins. If I saw a Kiss pumpkin on someone’s porch, I wouldn’t smash it in the street, because obviously they worked hard on it and destroying other people’s property is awful and unacceptable, but I would definitely IMAGINE SMASHING IT IN THE STREET!

Chuck is going to open a nightclub. Because as he mentioned in a previous episode, his father turned his first profit when he was 22, and Chuck plans to turn his first profit by the age of 21. That is why he put all of his money into a hotel during one of the worst economic crises in history when people are traveling less, and wants to open a speak-easy-themed nightclub? For one thing, nightclubs are notorious money-losing ventures that are really more about the ego of the owners than they are about actual business. Second thing: not to get too Gothamist on this episode, but the speakeasy trend peaked in, like, 2006. Everything is a speakeasy now. These days, the guys who sell Sun Chips at the bodega wear suspenders and waxed moustaches, and you need a password if you want salsa. In any case, Chuck wants to do this his way, but Blair wants to help him her way. Which I guess means going behind his back and being untrustworthy and manipulative. You know: help.

But Chuck doesn’t want her help! He wants to do this his way! Whatever that means. I mean, he’s trying to “create a club in 24 hours from nothing.” (Whatever THAT means.) It seems like “creating a club” in 24 hours would require more than one 18-year-old dandy in a three-piece Thomas Pink suit making bedroom eyes at the liquor shelf. If she wants to help, couldn’t he just put her in charge of something? No. Stay out of this, Blair! Chuck calls Serena and asks if she is alone, but she is with Blair, so they put him on speakerphone. SPEAKERPHONE. Didn’t these guys all go to a private school? They can’t tell when they’re on speakerphone? WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER TUTOR. Anyway, Chuck says he doesn’t want Blair involved at all. Oh, also, Serena is the publicist for Chuck’s party, because Serena being a publicist is a thing that’s still happening on this show.

But Blair goes behind everyone’s back and calls in a favor from Jack Bass to get Chuck his liquor license in time. But that just makes Chuck more angry, and he tells Blair she is not invited to his party. Uh, why would anyone WANT to be invited to Chuck’s party? Everyone dresses up like they’re at a 1930’s pimps and hos party. Yuck. Oh, except for Eric, who dresses like he’s at a Job Fair representing a casino for elves.

Also Albert Hammond Jr. was there dressed as the 1,400 year-old anemic ghost of Albert Hammond Jr.?

Blair discovers that Jack Bass gave Chuck Bass a fake liquor license, and she goes to the party to warn him, but it’s too late, the cops are on their way. Because Chuck called them himself! There’s no such thing as bad publicity, or something. He is angry that Blair went behind his back, but he is happy that she…got him a fake liquor license…so that he could call the cops on himself…as if he couldn’t call the cops on himself…if he just threw the party with no liquor license…I don’t know. I’m not a billionaire playboy with terrible business ideas.

I do love that the cops put all the liquor into cardboard filing boxes.

2009.

So it is the “hottest party of the year.” Haha. OK. I’m sure it made the cover of Hot Parties Magazine.

Meanwhile, Dan and Hilary Duff are still dating. She was dating Robert Pattinson, but they broke up, and Dan is worried that he won’t be able to give Hilary Duff a paranormal orgasm. Yuck. Hilary Duff’s publicist wants her to go to Chuck’s party with Robert Pattinson, and she agrees, but only because (it turns out) she wants to help him with his career? Right. “I saw a photo of you at a party with Hilary Duff. Please be the star of this movie now.” Dan is mad, but later they have sex in a dorm room, so I guess it worked out OK. And now Serena is dating Robert Pattinson because she has to for her publicity job? It’s great that she didn’t go to college. She doesn’t even need it! She’s the smartest!

What doesn’t work out OK is Jenny’s relationship with Eric. Jenny is the Queen of Constance now. Remember Constance? Remember when this was a show about rich kids in private school and sort of made sense, rather than a show about rich kids hanging out in New York engaging in various hobbies? Anyway, no one can sit higher than Jenny on the steps of the Met because of how fast kids grow up in New York and engage in the adult behavior of pouring yogurt on each other’s heads.

I didn’t pour yogurt on someone’s head until I was in my 40s! Jenny gets in trouble with Lily, who is apparently pregnant again?

Pregnant, or her transformation into a paper towel roll is nearly complete! She tells Jenny to apologize to Eric, and Jenny does, but she also tells her friends to egg Eric’s boyfriend Jonathan, which, I suppose you can file it under the rubric of mean girl high school politics, but it looks an awful lot like a hate crime.

So Eric doesn’t want anything to do with Jenny. And neither do I. The only difference is that I never wanted anything to do with Jenny.

Speaking of things that don’t work out: Rufus’s Ramones costume.

Whoops, Rufus, you are an adult.