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Duh Aficionado Magazine: Roman Polanski Is A Flight Risk

Hahahahhahahaha. Roman Polanski’s request to be released on bail was denied? That’s weird! Guy seems super trustworthy with that kind of stuff. From the AP:

Roman Polanski’s three decades as a fugitive are coming back to haunt him.

Noting his previous escape from U.S. authorities, Switzerland’s top criminal court on Tuesday rejected Polanski’s appeal to be released from prison because of the “high” risk that the 76-year-old director would try to flee again.

Polanski’s offers of bail, house arrest and electronic monitoring failed to sway the tribunal. Even a Swiss chalet in the luxury resort of Gstaad was brushed aside as insufficient collateral to guard against Polanski fleeing the country, as the United States seeks to have him extradited for having sex with a 13-year-old girl in 1977.

Wait, even a Swiss chalet in the luxury resort of Gstaad was brushed aside as insufficient collateral to guard against Polanski fleeing the country?!?! So you’re telling me that the Swiss government doesn’t believe the threat of losing one of his many mansions scattered across the globe would keep a man who has been living a life of exile for three decades from returning to a life of exile to avoid spending the few remaining years of his life in prison? Come on, Swiss government! Where is he going to go? Besides ALMOST ANYWHERE?!

That is hilarious.

I mean, we all have to put requests for bail on our families. It’s not weird that Roman Polanski dislikes being in jail and would rather spend his time in his luxury resort Swiss chalet, resting his ankle bracelet on a velvet ottoman as he enjoys a prisoner’s brunch of smoked salmon raclette and omelet fondue. But COME ON. I’m not a lawyer, and I didn’t go to law school, but I’m pretty sure if you look up “Flight Risk” in the Crime Dictionary, there’s a picture of Roman Polanski. I heard that for a few years in the early ’80s they were trying to get the official legal term changed to “Polanski Risk,” but they never had the votes. (What votes? The votes I just made up for this thing I’m joking about!) The point is, clever girl, Switzerland’s top criminal court.

I know everyone’s been working really hard to get the October issue of Duh Affich (yuck) ready to go to press, but let’s move Richard Heene Wins Dad Of The Year Award to the Community Interest section, and put this on the cover instead.