Falcon Heene Was In The Attic, And Now He Is Puking On TV

The boy from the balloon, Falcon Heene, was in the attic the whole time! Uh oh! I mean, on the one hand, GREAT NEWS. The first thing that everyone in America wants is for Falcon Heene to be safe and sound. And he is. So we can all breathe our collective sigh of relief at that. But the second thing that everyone in America wants is to never be made to look the fool ever. We are not so lucky on that one. There is something noble in our immediate (our?) reaction and expansive rescue effort, but you have to admit that it feels a little silly when you discover that the boy was just in the goddamn garage the whole time. Richard Heene, Falcon’s father, is claiming that Falcon had hidden in the attic because he, Richard, had yelled at him. OK. “It’s a dad, they yell.” Although, Falcon has never seemed to give that explanation, I don’t think?

No, Falcon has a whole different explanation, and it is sending shockwaves through the Heene household:

Things really started to unravel for the Heenes early yesterday evening when the Heenes appeared on the Situation Room and Falcon dropped this precious gem:

Huh? “We did this for the show”? That IS suspicious! (Although the good news is that 2009 finally has its new catchphrase. Sorry, “Chaos Reigns.”) Now the police want to talk to Richard Heene as a suspect in a Great Hoax? Reasonable. I mean, the man is a lucky man because his son did not plummet to his death from a magical alien balloon in the afternoon sky. So already he is ahead on points. But there are definitely some questions that professionals should ask him about who knew what when.

This morning, the Heenes were on the Today show, and that is when Falcon Heene threw up into what appears to be a tupperware container? A very low-walled Tupperware container. Yikes. All I know is that if I ever have kids, I am going to get them something very tall and comfortable to vomit into when we are being interviewed on a national morning news show about one of my child’s disappearances into space. Vomiting begins around 5:50:

Uh…this is ALSO a very strange interview. Again, who knows. I am not trying to place this Richard Heene under a wooden board and then pile suspicion and psychological trauma on top until he is crushed under the weight of being a witch. But, like, at the end when he says “we never expected so many people to help us out”? Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he is just sleepy and wants to clean his child’s puke from his trousers, because otherwise one could extrapolate and surmise that they did expect some people to help them out when they were PLANNING THIS, just not that many people. I’m sure it was a slip of the tongue. Also, he yells at Falcon too much? It’s almost as if he is trying to portray himself as a child abuser just to escape suspicion of having perpetrated a hoax.

But I digress!

Here is Richard Heene in another interview with the press last night on his porch, and when the questions push him towards reliving the events of the day he has a very ADULT HUMANOID MALE STANDARDIZED MANUAL EMOTIONAL-REACTIVE RESPONSE THAT NO ALIEN ROBOT COULD EVER REPRODUCE.

Again, I am going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. He just almost lost his boy in a spaceship of his own design. Unless he planned the whole thing for attention, in which case he didn’t ever even come close to losing anything in nothing. But I think it is a dangerous thing when the outside world starts imposing its cultural standards on what is or is not an appropriate emotional response. And for the most part he actually does react the way one expects a father should, even if the reaction is delivered with the slight air of a ham-fisted third-market basic cable telenovella. But I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, which is why I’m not even going to talk about THAT HAIRCUT. Not today. Be with your family, sir. Your complete, totally alive, somewhat covered in puke and acting very strangely to be completely honest family.