Hollywood Is Developing A Barbie Movie, Ladies!

All your dreams are finally coming true, girls. A full-length, major motion picture featuring your favorite hero on a wonderful adventure. Probably. “Barbie has to destroy the All-Spark by shoving it into Ken’s mouth after a drawn-out shape-shifting battle on the streets of Mission City.” Something like that. “Imagine the #1 movie of all-time, Confessions of a Shopaholic, but with a lot more CGI.” Ugh, stupid Hollywood. Barbie Idea Jeans, right, you guys? Although I do hope they cast this guy as the star. Here’s an executive explaining what’s taken so long in getting the Barbie movie off the ground. From Variety:

“The brand wasn’t ready for a movie,” Dickson said. “In the last 10 years, Barbie has evolved from a toy into an intellectual property. We’ve already had enormous success in the entertainment industry. Barbie has a proven track record in home entertainment, there have been live stage shows, live symphonies and other non-traditional forms of entertainment. There is a flagship store in Shanghai. There are a lot of ways we are already communicating with Barbie’s audience, and there is a richness to the brand as an entertainment property.”

Uh, LIVE SYMPHONIES? Huh? But ooh, a flagship store in Shanghai! This guy is right, then, it is definitely time for an awful movie adaptation. The brand wasn’t ready (?) but now the brand is ready (?). It’s just the logical progression. It goes popular toy – live symphonies – flagship store in Shanghai – movie adaptation. Look it up in your Success Textbook. It’s right there after the chapter on dressing for the job you barf not the job you fart.