The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Alter-Inflated-Egos

Sheree is in the gym, working out with her trainer, who has trained some of the “top celebrities” in Atlanta. Haha. No offense, Atlanta, but one person’s celebrity ceiling is another person’s celebrity floor, if you know what I mean, and Sheree’s gym is in a strip mall and looks like a Curves Outlet. I’m not saying that her trainer isn’t very talented, or that we all shouldn’t work a little harder to lose those Double Decker Chicken Sandwich pounds, but sometimes you can just go to the gym because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s another opportunity for you to sound like an asshole. Sheree interviews that she has “the hot body of a 25-year-old,” and then they cut her off before she says “man.” You know how clever those reality TV editors can get with the interstitial voice overs. Seriously, someone should do a test on Sheree, just to make sure all her medals (for most woman-like man) are legitimate.

Later, Sheree will go to a…show.. at the invitation of her trainer. That’s nice. They are friends. Except WHAT IS THIS SHOW?


And you just know that all those guys, if this ever comes up in conversation, are like “yeah, I’m in showbiz.” Or some bullshit like that. So it’s a body-building competition for people who want to be strippers? In a nightmare? In any case, Sheree misses the entire thing because her trainer tried to set her up with a man whose body looks like it was packed tightly with loose hamburger meat. He has to wear a Bluetooth headset at all times just in case some of the meat falls out and he has to make an emergency phone call to Western Beef for some more meat. “This skin isn’t going to stretch itself!”

Meanwhile, Kim goes over to Kandi’s house, where Kandi is working on “Tardy for the Party” for some reason. I mean, look, I know that “No Scrubs” was a huge hit and made Kandi a billion dollars, because she keeps reminding us of that fact. But did it really make her enough money that she can throw it all away? She says at one point that this is her career and she can’t be “attached to wackness.” As if there is some way that two reality TV stars with no discernible talent for anything other than wearing wigs and yelling at each other in restaurants is going to be anything other than the definition of wackness? Anyway, Kim shows up and Kandi is like “OK, let’s make this terrible song that you will not stop talking about wanting to make,” and Kim is like “I’m not wantin’ to sing today.” Then don’t! Don’t ever sing, Kim, please! Spend that time learning how to construct proper English sentences. Because here is the thing: you can’t! (Sing, although she also can’t construct proper English sentences.) And it baffles me that you have so little self-awareness about your strengths and weaknesses that you would fail to recognize things that you can and completely cannot do. It’s one thing to WANT to sing, we all WANT things. But come on. Somehow, Kandi convinces her to go in the booth, and Kim is terrified. She should be! Kandi is like “don’t be scared.” Yes, Kim, be scared! You have a voice that is almost as terrible as your face. Anyway, Kim lays down a seriously awful track, and immediately she is like “this is my moment and I don’t think Nene should be on this song anymore.” HAHAHA. Perfect. This IS your moment, Kim. Look at you having your moment:

Science should study Kim, because she is the first person in the history of the human race who proves that old wives’ tale that if you make an ugly face often enough, it will get stuck that way. Seriously, it’s just a permanent melty-frown.

The episode ends with a reveal of the alter-ego photoshoot from two weeks ago. Apparently, the photographer, Derek Blanks, did an entire series of alter-ego photos of various Atlanta hoi polloi. It’s weird when someone who seems to have genuine talent and to be an overall decent person is on this show. AWKWAAAAARD. Anyway, there’s a party to unveil all of the photos. Literally.

They are covered in black veils. Woof. Relax, Atlanta. They are just Photoshops of people in costumes. Anyway, before the unveiling Kim trips down some stairs and fucks up her shit. Like, for real:

Some people help Kim to her car where there is a first aid kit, but other people complain endlessly about how Kim needs to grow up. Huh? I mean, we all hate Kim, but hurt knees is hurt knees. And it is to Dwight and Greg’s credit that they moved so quickly to help her. And it is to my detriment that I know who Dwight and Greg are. Anyway, at first I felt a real rush of sympathy for Kim. Not that her scraped knees are the end of the world, but she was actually pretty collected about the whole thing, and just needed to get her injuries taken care of, and I didn’t understand why Nene and Lisa and Sheree were complaining about it so much. Kim is an attention-seeking swamp monster, but I don’t think stumbling down some brick steps and twisting your ankles is her typical cry for attention. “PUT MORE WHITE WINE IN MY TRAVEL MUG” is more her style. But admittedly, after a little while, the sympathy for Kim dried up when she started moaning, and needing to be carried around by a thousand people.

If she was THAT hurt, why not go to the hospital? Or home? Which is what she did anyway, as soon as her alter-ego photo was revealed? Whatever. They’re all horrible, what’s the point in arguing about who was horrible how and when? The rest of the photos are revealed, and everyone pats themselves on the back for what a good job they did being in a photo (huh?).

Cleverly, though, before the show ends, Dwight approaches Sheree to offer his services when she is finally ready to put together a fashion show, if she is ever actually ready to put together a fashion show.

It’s just nice that this show helpfully reminds you at the end of the day who is the absolute worst. Sheree is the worst.