There was a knock at Kanye West’s hotel suite door. It was the country singer, Taylor Swift. Kanye invited her inside and asked her what her favorite pizza toppings were. “Bubblegum,” she said. Kanye West told his assistant to call his manager to talk to the hotel concierge about getting three large bubblegum pizzas.
“I don’t think they make bubblegum pizza, Mr. West,” the assistant said.
Kanye fired his assistant and scheduled interviews to hire a new assistant. The fifth candidate seemed promising: an adrogynous man dressed head-to-toe in Dries Van Noten, which Kanye appreciated, and the guy didn’t seem to even want to be there. Whenever Kanye asked a question, the candidate would just stare out the window looking bored. Kanye was feeling this.
“Let me ask you something,” Kanye said, “if I told you to call my manager to call the concierge to call a pizza place and order three large bubblegum pizzas, would you tell me there was no such thing as bubblegum pizza?”
The assistant pushed his neon green glasses up higher on the bridge of his turned up nose. “Whatever,” he said.
Kanye hired the assistant on the spot and asked him to call his manager to ask him to call the concierge to ask him to call a pizza place and order three large bubblegum pizzas. An hour later, his manager called. “What is all this about bubblegum pizza?” he asked. Kanye told him to just get the bubblegum pizzas or there was going to be some trouble.
“Why can’t you just let me be great?” he asked his manager.
It was ridiculous to Kanye how hard everyone tried to stop him from being great all the time. Was bubblegum pizza really something to jeopardize your whole career as a member of Kanye’s entourage over? Haters. Eventually, some bubblegum pizza arrived. Each pizza cost $100. Kanye told his assistant to pay for it, but his assistant was busy working on his line of handbags.
“Well,” Kanye said to Taylor Swift, as she chewed on a piece of bubblegum pizza with a dull look in her eyes, “how does that bubblegum pizza taste?”
Taylor Swift nodded.
“Can you believe that people are still talking about the MTV Video Music Awards?” he asked.
Taylor Swift shook her head.
“Yeah, it’s insane to me, too. The fact that a possibly-staged interaction between two multi-millionaires in the middle of an awards show that stopped being relevant or interesting more than a decade ago could somehow capture the attention of a country between two wars with an economy collapsing beneath its feet is incredible. As if somehow the injured feelings of a teenage girl, which weren’t even really that injured incidentally, I mean, in the grand scheme of the ways in which people can hurt each other this was the definition of ‘insignificant,’ and certainly did not have the severity one might expect in light of your resultant martyrdom, because if anything this was the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Besides, don’t people realize that celebrities live in a tightly circumscribed world in which the painful ups and downs of life are largely evened out by the comforting luxuries of wealth and the incessant damage control of a sycophantic entourage, so that any serious emotional stress is subsumed and buried until such time as the celebrity is no longer a celebrity at which point it can be unearthed and used to fuel the inevitable downward spiral of drug addiction and suicidal ideation, but the ultimate point of this being that we couldn’t have a genuine, emotionally impactful interaction with each other if we wanted to. Because we live in impenetrable bubbles of self-satisfaction, with a tiny core of self-doubt buried deep inside, pulling with the weight of a collapsed star. But that self-doubt is self-generated, and we can’t have any affect on each other’s wobbling perch at the edge of our own self-destruction. Even if we tried it would just be like, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? So anything that actually happens in our day-to-day lives is meaningless. Obscured and engulfed by our narcissistic pursuit of pleasure and our terrified escape from self-examination.” Kanye rubbed a hand over his jigsaw head. “You know what I mean?”
Taylor Swift just chewed bubblegum pizza with a dumb look on her dumb face.
Kanye West reached over and took a slice of bubblegum pizza. “I’m gonna eat some of this pizza now,” he said.
They ate the rest of their meal in silence. That bald lady was there, too.