You know, now that it’s over, I think I’m actually going to miss this show. It is terrible, yes, and completely coconuts, and the rules change from one episode to the next. But, it kind of grew on me, like how Dustin Hoffman grew on Tom Cruise in Rain Man. “100 toothpicks!” Obviously, I can’t wait to get back to my fast-paced life as a Los Angeles Lamborghini dealer, but I will miss that goofy man-child. That being said, I’m sure next year it will be back to the complaining board when season 3 kicks off in a vampire bar on the moon (because vampires can live on the moon now) and Sookie is a congresswoman trying to pass landmark Yeti legislation, or whatever.
Anyway, the finale!
There is an egg in the bed! Sookie is like “oh my God, what is this egg?” which is a fair question. But pretty quickly, Marianne is like “oh that is just an ostrich egg.” Oh. Nevermind? I mean, ostrich eggs are not that incredible. Lafayette is about to rape Sookie, but then he is actually not about to rape her at all, he is about to ask her to put on a white bridesmaid dress. Marianne is like “you have to be my bridesmaid at this make-believe wedding.” Because when you are getting married to a God, people still wear bridesmaids dresses? And the orchestra still plays “Here Comes the Bride”? Mostly it’s a PRETTY TRADITIONAL WEDDING! Other than the meat statue and the human sacrifice.
Sookie is like “I don’t know how you did this, but I will not let this happen.” YIKES. Tough stuff! Marianne is like “OK, hit me with your best electrical forcefield.” Oh yeah! I almost forgot about Sookie’s electrical forcefield magic powers that she suddenly has. Although she doesn’t suddenly have them because she can’t use them. Electrical Magic Forcefield FAIL!
Meanwhile, Vampire Eric is at the Queen’s mansion playing more Vampire Yahtzee. You know how vampires get about their Vampire Yahtzee. They play until five million because they are immortal and because they have no idea how much Yahtzee constitutes too much Yahtzee. They clearly lost the capacity to have fun when they stopped being human. Anyway, the Queen is the one responsible for Vampire Eric selling vampire blood through Lafayette, which actually I had mostly forgotten about, and Eric is like “I will take care of Vampire Bill,” and they they almost make out because vampires are always sealing it with a kiss, or whatever. And that’s the last we see of Eric this season? He plays absolutely no part in defeating Marianne, or anything. He just plays Yahtzee and then goes home? MORE LIKE LAMEPIRE, AM I RIGHT?
Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur are going to storm the house and rescue everyone. Sure. How come everyone on this show, when confronted with every single person in town having X-Files eyes and acting insane thinks that all they need to do is…put an end to it? Needless to say, Jason Stackhouse and Andy Bellefleur quickly get some X-Files eyes of their own.
Bill shows up with Sam and Marianne puts the ostrich egg inside the meat statue and it’s time to get married! Sookie is like “Bill, what are you doing?” and Bill is like “You have to trust me.” It’s like Ocean’s 11. You’re like how are they going to get out of this one! But then they get out of it! And you can’t believe it! You never saw it coming! Except, you kind of saw it coming. Eggs stabs Sam Merlotte with the magic stabbing knife. Oh no! But then Sookie uses her magic electric forcefield powers (oh, they’re back) to push over the meat statue and smash the ostrich egg (which we all know is the key to defeating Maenads, it’s in all the Maenad Guides).
So Marianne starts chasing Sookie with her nightmare claws. Good plan, Bill! “It’s all part of the plan for you to get chased by an terrible monster and fall down on the ground. Don’t worry!” But then Marianne sees a white bull and she thinks it is her God and she goes to fuck it, but then the white bull gores her to death, and then the white bull turns back into Sam, who is not dead because Bill fed Sam his magic vampire blood, and he pulls out Marianne’s heart and crushes it with his bare hand, which kills her OK, and now he is naked and a champion because just in general this show is fucking ridiculous.
So now everyone is better and doesn’t have X-Files eyes anymore and don’t seem to remember what happened. I will tell you what happened: GARBAGE TELEVISION HAPPENED. Anyway, one person doesn’t remember but wishes he did, and that person is Eggs. Sookie mind probes him (again, this show, America’s favorite show, also his name is Eggs) and he remembers that he cut out a bunch of women’s hearts, and so Eggs shoves his hands into his hoodie pockets and runs away. Later, he demands that Andy Bellefleur (who is a cop again, OK!) put him in jail for being a murderer, but Andy is like “relax, you were under the spell of that Maenad.” You know, typical police procedure. So Eggs brandishes the magic sacrificial sword-knife at Andy and is like “I’m a bad person,” and then knocks Andy to the ground and waves the magic sacrificial sword-knife at Andy. Eggs, what are you doing?
Oh, Jason Stackhouse shoots Eggs in the head and kills him. So he is being very sloppily written off the show, that is what he is doing. Lazy. That actor’s agent should have fought a little harder for his client to be written off a show in a way that did not feel completely slapped together. EARN THAT 10 PERCENT!
And finally: the cliffhangers! Sam is going to track down his parents! SEASON THREE IS GOING TO BE A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF TRUE BLOOD! SHAPESHIFTER REUNION! BRING YOUR KLEENEX. Meanwhile, in order to celebrate…murdering a mythical creature, Vampire Bill takes Sookie to a French restaurant, which he has rented out for a private evening. Is that actually romantic? That seems excessively creepy. “I didn’t want you to have to feel like you were around other human beings.” Anyway, after they’ve finished eating, Bill presents Sookie with two plane tickets to…Burlington, Vermont? HOLLYWOOD ROMANCE! He also proposes marriage, but Sookie freaks out for basically no reason. Seriously, her freaking out makes no sense. This show is built around her undying love for Bill’s pasteface. Besides, marrying a vampire is every little girl’s dream. She runs, crying, to the bathroom, where she immediately changes her mind and decides that she will marry Vampire Bill after all. But it is too late, because he has been vampirenapped! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!*
This exciting (debatable) episode of True Blood was brought to you by Mountain Dew.
*I can wait. How long, a year? Let’s make it two! Million!