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AHHHHHHHHH, NEW NEW MOON TRAILER! CHRISTMAS IN SEPTEMBER!

Here’s the new New Moon trailer that premiered during the MTV Video Music Awards last night, you guys:

Ha! So many teenagers were probably taken to the hospital last night when their hearts exploded. I will admit that this looks much better than the previous trailers had suggested. At the very least there is a lot less crying on the floor of a forest, and almost no reference to the epic papercut fight of 2009. But Bella’s “adrenaline junkie” plotline reminds me of when Ryan on The O.C. became a cage fighter, except without the awesome cage fighting. What I’m saying is Bella should become a cage fighter. Then she will see Edward. Or whatever. I have no idea what half of the words I’m saying mean. But I also love that when you go to vampire court, which we all know is in a junkyard, the laws are enforced via hand-to-hand-combat. Classic Vampire Tort Reform. Dakota Fanning is Vampire Judge Judy. “This will probably hurt a little bit.” I didn’t think vampires had feelings? “They’ll kill him if he reveals himself in the sunlight.” I didn’t think vampires could go in the sunlight? Never mind. EDWARD, NO, YOU MUST PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON OR DAKOTA FANNING WILL MAGIC-BODY SLAM YOU!! Having your shirt off is the most serious Vampire Crime, duh, grandpa.

This confusion and frustration and sense of being completely outside of something must have been what my parents felt like when I was excited about the forthcoming second chapter in the Bill and Ted saga, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.