An Open Letter To Jay Leno

Dear Mr. Leno,

Needless to say (as if that is even an expression that makes any sense, since it precedes saying the thing. Sometimes people just like to use more words, I guess) I am not looking forward to your new show. I have never been looking forward to it. You were terrible on the Tonight Show, and it’s not like the constrictions of the Tonight Show were the problem. It’s not like a new show is going to prove you’re not terrible. Same you. The Tonight Show was just a shell, and you were the pandering, hacky, middle-brow snail. And now you are getting a new shell, but the snail will be the sa–you get it.

When you announced details of your show, I was the same amount of unexcited. You won’t have a desk? OK. Again, I never really thought the desk was the problem. That’s like saying you’re not going to wear a necktie on your new show, as a way to get people excited. Not exciting! You are going to have correspondents? That could be fine, but somehow I feel confident that you will ruin even that. And besides, you bristled at comparisons to the Daily Show, as if the Daily Show was a stupid, unfunny thing to be compared to. It’s not. You know what is a stupid, unfunny thing to be compared to? You. And then there is the race track. Oh gosh. What are we even talking about here?

But, Jay Leno, who is reading this and taking this seriously, I would like you to understand that I have always been comfortable with admitting when something is just not for me.

It is a big world we live in! There is room enough for everyone. Obviously, someone likes you. Millions like you. Love you? Maybe. They find your inoffensive, toothless, outdated brand of phony “aw shucks, I’m just a regular old guy with an airplane hangar full of fancy cars” populist ‘humor’ endearing and, shudder, funny. Fair enough! Who am I to come and slap the laughs out of their mouths. May you continue to entertain the people who are entertained by you (although five nights a week? How about you entertain them once a month?).

And when it was announced that your first guest would be Jerry Seinfled, you know, OK. Again: we should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy. Personally, I think that Jerry Seinfeld should have taken his billion dollars and retired to an undersea mansion in the vapor oceans of Saturn where he could drink hover-juice and eat butter sandwiches. There’s nothing left for him here. He’s never going to be as famous or as funny (debatable) as he once was. Hang up your coat, sir. Take off your shoes. Go to bed. Death is but a waiting game now. But you have some questions for him? And people want to know the answers? I cannot keep saying “fair enough” enough. Fair enough. Bee Movie 2 is going to blow fans of Bee Movie 1 away, I am sure.

But Jay Leno, you released this video on the internet today as a teaser for your show and a teaser for your Earth-shattering interview with Jerry Seinfeld (as if you couldn’t cover all that ground in the allotted six minutes? We’re going to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld until we get all the answers that America needs?) and, can I just say, WHAT THE FUCK?

Really? Two insanely rich men past their creative prime going on and on (and on and on) about rare race cars (in the middle of a horrible recession, which doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be rich, but perhaps they could be more sensitive in what they choose to spend their time going on and on [and on and on] about) forever? Not even talking about the cars themselves so much as talking about how they own the cars? And this is a “teaser”? As in “just whet the people’s appetites for more of this”? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. Who wants this? Please don’t tell me that anyone actually wants this. Even Jay Leno/Jerry Seinfeld fans are like, “stop talking about these cars and start telling me jokes about airplane food.” I’m fine with this being painfully unfunny and boring, I expected nothing different. But to also be insanely self-indulgent and actually kind of gross? Boo, sir. Boo on you.

Here, Jay Leno, I got you something.

Eat it all. Yum.