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True Blood: Poor Vampires, Boo Hoo, So Sad

CLIFFHANGER! At the end of last week’s episode, Jason Stackhouse’s former friend/rival from the Fellowship of the Sun, Duke? Brady? Troy? storms into the mid-century modern Dallas “hive” and reveals himself to be strapped with explosives and also fine jewelry. He blows himself. Oh no! This week: he blows himself up. OK, let’s see now. So, Bill was outside saying goodbye to his ex-girlfriend. He is like “even though you are immortal, you are dead to me,” because Bill is a sophomore in high school and also a girl. Then his ex-girlfriend is like “normal run away, normal run away, VAMPIRE RUN AWAY.” Just then: BOOM. Jewelry bomb! Bill runs inside and there is blood and gore everywhere, although luckily not a single character that we are already familiar with was hurt. Phew. Jason is OK. Godric is OK. That lady Vampire who was dating Hugo is OK. Eric shielded Sookie, so Sookie is OK. But Eric is not OK. He has jewelry in him now. Jewelry is the curse of the vampire! He asks Sookie to suck the jewelry out of him to save him. Uh? I’m not a doctor, but uh, what? “It’s an old Boy Scout trick, you just suck the jewelry right out of the wound.” Obviously, Eric is lying. And then Bill is like “Eric, you were lying,” and then Eric is like “haha,” and then Sookie is like “what?” with her face all covered in blood. I guess it turns out that Eric tricked her into drinking his blood, and now he will forever have an attachment to her? This is a rule? Vampires are always explaining the rules at the last second. Bill is like “don’t worry if you get a boner, it’s normal,” and 10 minutes later Sookie gets a boner.

The thing is, I don’t care? Like, I think you’re supposed to be nervous that Sookie is going to break up with Vampire Bill and sleep with Vampire Eric, or something? But here’s the thing: maybe I’m a monster, but I do not care at all about the emotional and sexual lives of vampires. Or Sookie for that matter. She’s terrible. I hope that she fucks all the vampires and her pussy falls out. (Wow! Gross! Sorry!) But I mean, seriously. I do. She’s a make-believe character in love with make-believe magical characters. Whatever. Boo hoo hoo. What a wonderful romance. Ha! Get real. Bill punches Vampire Eric in the face. Sure. They’re just like us! These make-believe things that change the rules every two seconds.

There is an inquiry into what happened with Godric, and the vampire from the TV says “this is a national vampire disaster.” LOL. She strips Godric of his Sheriff-ship, and there is a bunch of talk as if Vampires have a real society. (This show is getting out of hand!) Godric is subdued and agrees to everything and admits that he offered himself up to the Fellowship of the Sun (duh) and apologizes and promises to make amends. Sookie tries to stand up for him. She says, “Godric rescued me from a really large rapist.” But for some reason that doesn’t change anything. Huh. It was such a good defense. Sookie rests her case. Godric tells Eric to meet him on the roof. ROOF PARTY!

Meanwhile, Marianne is stepping her game up. She really wants to murder Sam Merlotte for whatever reason. Go ahead, murder him. Murder everyone on this show. Why not? But, so, Lafayette is one of the few people who seems to know something is up. For one thing, he hates Eggs.

That makes sense. I hate Eggs too. He tries to fight Eggs at the restaurant because Eggs and Tara both have bruises on their faces from when they beat each other up. Oh, about that: Marianne is like “you guys must have had fun last night.” Um, no one says that, not even crazy Maenads. No one is going to convince someone with a caved in skull that they were just having the wildest fun. But then she gets pretentious college-student philosophical about the importance of madness. “What about the saints of India? What about mystics of all religions.” Haha. “I don’t have time to give you a list, but you know what I mean.” The mystics of all religions. Sure, Marianne. You lazy fucking pedantic Maenad. So anyway, she tries to go to the jail to kill Sam Merlotte but she can’t because Sam turned into a Ric Ocasek fly.

Whoa. Now Marianne is really irritated! She turns all the people’s eyes black and sets the whole town to catch Sam. Careful, Sam!

Meanwhile, back at the roof, Godric is going to suicide himself because he has decided that vampires are an abomination. Eric cries. Godric says that thing about his being his father, brother, and son again. I don’t know what that’s all about. I guess it’s like their secret Vampire handshake. Of words. Sookie stands there. Eric goes inside to bed. Godric says that after 2,000 years he can still be surprised because a human is standing next to him in the end. SURPRISE! I think this is supposed to be an emotional scene? Like, really intense and powerful? But, again, and maybe it’s just me, but I don’t care about what happens to make believe creatures on a CGI rooftop. The last make believe creature I cared about was Artax in the Swamp of Sadness. And Godric is no Artrax. Goodbye, American Eagle Sweatshirt Vampire. Luckily, we learned a lot more about Hoyt’s mom this week, just in case you were worried that with the loss of Godric there wouldn’t be 1,000,000 characters and plotlines to have to keep up with. There still are!